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Taking a stand but now feeling bad

Started by victoria1225, December 31, 2013, 01:16:16 pm

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December 31, 2013, 01:16:16 pm Last Edit: December 31, 2013, 06:06:09 pm by luise.volta
Had what seemed like perfect Christmas Day with DS and his common law wife having brunch at my home than viewing videos and playing dominoes and having dinner.  Such a perfect Christmas Day with family.  We were sitting around kitchen table just talking about DS New Years plans ,while SF packed up food to go ,for DS.  While finishing up his coffee, my 34 year old DS becomes very agitated and begin to call my husband and I hypocrites and this progresses from topic to topic with  son obviously trying to instigate a fight or confrontation but husband and I are very laid back and calmly tried to redirect attacks to other less controversial subjects.  DS wife seemed very pained but remained mute.  DS than begins to directly blame me for all his problems and robbing him out of a good childhood and states he was mentally and physically abused etc etc. He shifts attack to SF when he jumps in to defend me. He tells my husband that when he was 24 and between jobs and came here till he got new job that he did not appreciate sf telling him that he would throw away his shoes if left in middle of living room one more time.  what???  Sf and I have been married for 11 years at which ds has not been under our roof except for briefs period in past when he had no place to go.  Son does have history of having altercations physically with others and so this sudden turn and mounting aggression frightened my husband and me.

Son continued since age 17 with bad decisions and involvement with drugs alcohol and crime.  When he landed in jail I refused to bail him out and he has resented me since.  As years went by he has been in and out of relationships.  He loves his mother one time and then sends verbal abusive text or email next.  He seemed to improve when he met his current wife and has finished college with our financial help and encouragement.  His record keeps him from working in some fields but he found a contractor job that he really loves.  He is currently with great job, wife just secured full time job.  They rent nice place very close to us.  He drives new truck and all seems well on service.  His verbal abuse and blame toward me seem to be something of the past.  That is why this Christmas Day angry hostile outburst shocked us. We have been very active in his life expecially past 5 years assisting them with moves, celebrating holidays and birthdays, picnics, trips etc. 

After a night of crying and discussion with husband.  The next day when son came to pick up his mail (sent in wife while he remained in ihis truck).  I walked out to his truck and gave him his mail and told him to please change his address to his house address where he has lived for over one year.  This is not his permanent address.  I also told him that I was tired of his verbal accusations and outbusts of what I terriable childhood he had.  I told him that I did the best I could with the decisions that I made at that time.  I told him that he needed to quit living in the past and seek professional help to get his anger, depression or whatever was hurting him resolved.  I told him that until he got help that he was not welcomed in my home.  I was no longer going to allow myself or anyone to be disrespected in my home.  He use profanity at my husband and drove away.

I just feel sad but I also feel that I have not been responsible for any of his many bad decisions since he left home on his own at 17.  I guess I always was afraid to say anything because I was afraid he would not talk to me and he is my only son.  I think it was the pain and hurt that I saw in my husband's face that made me realize that I cannot allow him to continue to hurt any of us.

It just is so hard because I really thought we were getting closer and this total anger outbusts was totally unexpected.  He was not doing any drinking that day.

Now I sit and wonder if the pain of not seeing him again greater than the pain of his constant blaming and accusations toward me over the years????  Should I have handled this differently?  I can see my son is hurting and I want to help him but I don't see how I can other than having him seek professional help. 


Flipping suddenly from contentment to agitation might be a sign of a chemical imbalance that could be helped by medication.  I would encourage him to seek a medical professional (not a therapist) about a possible treatment.  Often people with imbalances try to self medicate and end up using street drugs.  When I have had hormonal imbalances I have acted very differently than I normally would.  It is kind of like a pregnant woman crying over nothing.  These imbalances are difficult to diagnose but easily treated. 

Good luck to you and your DS!!  Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Cranky Pants

Quote from: victoria1225 on December 31, 2013, 01:16:16 pm
He was not doing any drinking that day.

I'm guessing that you don't know that for a fact.  It sounds like Alanon might help, it's good to have people who understand what you are going through, because they have been there themselves.




Welcome Victoria.    Please take a moment to read the posts under "Open Me First".  We ask all new members to do this to familiarize themselves with the forum rules and such.

I agree with the others.  It sounds like there is way much more going on with him and that he definitely needs the help of professionals at this point.  Kudos to you for standing up for yourselves and setting your boundaries with him.  I know it hurts, but you did the right thing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Welcome, V. I agree, your DS's behavior might mean a medical issue. It could be as easily fixed as a hormone adjustment or something more serious. Either way it needs to be dealt with now, IMO.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Thanks for your quick comments. This is a new year and I am going to focus on mental and physical healthy goals for myself. I have a healthy food plan that will begin Monday along with exercise program.  I will learn to set boundaries in relationships that are not healthy.  Each day I feel stronger and I appreciate this support group!


That sounds wonderful Victoria. I'm looking forward to hearing how well you're doing in the future.


Victoria, I'm sorry that happened, but I think you handled it in the best possible way for you.  He's in his 30s - if he is having health issues, or substance abuse issues, he needs to figure out the help he needs and go get it.   
This too shall pass.  All is well.


It is hard to sit back and watch loved ones falter and fail.  But sometimes sitting back and doing nothing is the best gift we can give them.

Be patient and see how things unfold.  Take comfort in knowing you did the right thing.  You are stronger than you realize.

forever spring

I agree with PatiencePlease, sitting back and doing nothing is often the best one can give. It is also the hardest thing to do for oneself. We are so used to look after our small children and try and make things right for them when they are small - alas they are not children any more, we have to rethink our role as parents. I feel for you Victoria. It must have been such a shock to be so treated after the harmonious time.  As some of us said, it may be a chemical imbalance which led to such a sudden mood swing.


 :)  Thank you so much for your encouraging comments. As an update, DS called my sister and told what happened. His story was very much what happened as he relayed to my sister.  He did tell my sister that he feels I married my DH too soon after my last divorce and that he feels he does love me. ( I have been married now to DH for 10 years going on 11) He was already long gone out of house when I married DH.  Complains my husband is always around and he does not have me alone.  This is entirely not true.  I have for once been happy in the last 10 years.  Both DH and myself have gone out of the way to assist my son in any way we can.  We helped them move 4 times.  We help buy him a car. We loaned money which he paid most back and we wrote off the remainer.  We helped pay his way to college. After further reflection it has occured to me that DS has done "Drive by" insults many times at least once month or twice by phone, text.  I do think that he really believes he is a victim and was robbed of a happy childhood.  I don't see through my eyes that he had it bad at all. But I do understand that his recollection of his past is through his eyes.  What I don't understand is why at 34 and him doing well financially, good wife, nice place to live, tht he insists on blaming me for his past missed childhood and anytime he feels like now.  He seems to be manipulating my sister into his poor me victim state as well.  I feel I have done the best that I could in the past and have helped out whenever it was needed since then.  I just never stood up to his disrespectful behavior before.  I think that seeing the hurt in my DH face woke me up to the fact I have taken his outbursts (drive by insults) for as long as I remember but I do not think I should have to put up with this anymore expecially in my home.  When I encouraged him to seek professional help to assist him in coping with his past or any current issues he very smart aleckly said , we need to go to group therapy.  I cannot rehash the past over and over and I am at peace and wish the same for him.  I told my sister that I love DS and desire a healthy relationship and I am not the one that can help him sort out any of his anger/bitterness whatever, but once he understands this, and if he desires a healthy relationship, only then can we move forward. 

I have not heard from DS nor sister, but I do feel stronger and I realize I have gained respect for myself.  I do not think I should initiate any contact and so I proceed forward and pray that things will work out. I do find this group so helpful especially the first days of the deep hurt. :)  Thank you.


Wow, Vic!  Well done!  Adults are responsible for their own well being and if he hurts enough, he may seek changes for his own self improvement.  You can only focus on your own improvements and you are well on your way:)

Setting personal boundaries count for us moms too!



Quote from: victoria1225 on January 08, 2014, 03:38:22 pm
I told my sister that I love DS and desire a healthy relationship and I am not the one that can help him sort out any of his anger/bitterness whatever, but once he understands this, and if he desires a healthy relationship, only then can we move forward. 

Most excellent!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell