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Terminally Ill Mother

Started by Margo, January 19, 2014, 12:49:54 PM

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Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Margo

Hello Sheen.  Thank u for sharing your experience with me. I've taken on board what u did as I think my situation is similar. Mom has always loved to cook and bake, I don't. I love to knit, sew, quilt, mom can't sew on a button. It's never been an issue as if it was a family get together I would pay for food and she would cook it! Last Xmas we did the opposite and she was surprised that I can actually cook very well. So although they hate pasta and rice dishes, she asked me to teach her some recipes. These were special times, role reversals at our age! I will definitely remember the photo album suggestion and if there was anything else she enjoyed you remember please let me know. It's these practical things that I can do which make the situation seem less daunting. Thanks again.

Stilllearning

Margo now is the time when you can put names to so many faces in the photos that have been in boxes for years (or maybe I am the only person whose good intentions have not made it into photo albums!).  It will mean so much to her now and so much to you later.

Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Sheen

Hi Margo,
Yes it did feel strange with the whole role reversal thing happening, I do remember that. Meaning you love to quilt, one thing you might do is make a quilt with some of her favorite photos on it. I don't sew but I had one made for my mom for her last Mothers day and she did love it. You can buy that fabric that you run thru your printer and then use the squares to quilt around. That way, she has this warm snuggly blanket with her during those times when you are not.
It really isn't about the things you do, but rather the way you spend the time you have with her. Think of it as a gift that you have been given, and treasure the little moments you have.  If she can get her outside and go for a walk once the weather gets nice. Hospice will even furnish a wheel chair if necessary and they will also furnish a hospital bed for later on.  Like I said those people will become a great support for you and they are fantastic listeners. 

Margo

Hello StillLearning. Yes we do have boxes of photos. Should I ask her if and how she wants them distributed? I know of families where one person has taken all the photos, jewellery etc and because there was nothing in writing he got away with it all. All the rest wanted was little mementos. How is the best way to word this to mom?

Stilllearning

You would have to judge that.  I just flat out asked my Dad for a list of who he wanted contacted when he died and what he wanted to go where.  He reacted very well but some people think that that was a horrible way to handle things.  I knew he would rather have it handled factually than have me beating around the bush trying to figure it all out. Wills usually only cover the things that have monetary valuable, not keep sakes and such.  You might suggest to your Mom that the two of you could look through the boxes.  While looking you could suggest that she start sorting the pictures into piles for everyone.  She could then go ahead and start handing them out to people, giving her a chance to relive those times with the people she wants to have the pictures. 

After Dad died my sister and I went through his pictures (and Mom's since she was gone already) and made a pile for each person who was pictured individually and a pile of group photos.  We then went through the group photos and divided them up.  Any picture that more than one sibling wanted I scanned into a computer and made digital copies for everyone.  I ended up with the originals but that is because I did the scanning.  Now there are copies of those pictures all over the place!  If one computer dies we can always get the copies from another relative.  The other stuff is more difficult.....

A list of particularly cherished items and who your Mom would like to have them works well.  It can be mentioned in the will to make it more official. 

It will make thing much easier for the family if you can get your mother to let everyone know her wishes.  Good luck!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Margo

Hello StillLearning.     You are very practical...Thank u! This is what I need right now as I'm a doer not much of a thinker. Well that's not entirely true but my thinking is very muddled. Whilst phoning her tonight she mentioned she has felt better and able to read. So I was a bit brave and asked if when the time came she would like me to read to her and she said that was a lovely idea. So that's a milestone to have broached what she wants at the end. She was so positive about it that maybe she is open to suggestions re her possessions etc. thanks again for encouraging me to try what worked for you as I feel much easier tonight and feel like I might sleep for the first time in months. This site is such a God send. Hopefully when I've less of a mess I can help someone in the future.