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I guess now it is happening for sure

Started by Lauren, December 08, 2013, 04:46:51 PM

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Lauren

I've been thinking a lot and taking in all the advice I've received here and it is becoming clear that I need to drop the visits and calls to my son or otherwise he is going to do it himself and that would most likely hurt more than if I do it myself. The phone calls for the past few months have been very difficult since I'm the only one talking while he just gives me one word answers. Before he would always pick up the phone right away when I called, but now it takes two or three calls for him to finally pick up, so I'm afraid that if I keep calling he is probably not going to answer anymore the same way he told me that I can't come to visit next year.  It is just so hard to have to give up on my relationship with him after so many years and to completely lose my support system since my other children have no interest in me. I know this doesn't sound good but I wish he hadn't married that girl. It can't be right to totally pull a son away from his mother. Thank you all for the support.

Pooh

I'm sorry Lauren.  It does stink when this happens.  My hope for you is that you will discover in distancing yourself that you deserve better and can find things in your life that make you happy.  One of my favorite sayings is "Don't let someone take up space in your head that isn't paying rent."

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it does get better and you will find that life has much to offer if you let it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

FAFE

Lauren, great idea.  Can you use the money to take a nice cruise or some kind of other trip that will make you happy.  You know this, but absence does make the heart grow fonder (or suppose to anyway).  Put the ball in his court and one day maybe he'll realize that he is really missing his mama and wants to talk to/see you/have your grandkids in your life, etc.  If he sees you are happy and having fun, might make him realize that it's not all about him and your DIL.  We all have our problems, some big, some small, some real, some imagined (on all our parts), but we have to pull on our big girl panties and have some time for ourselves.

This will be the first Christmas in many years that we will not have a house full on Christmas Day.  But on the Sat after, we will have ALL the kids and grandkids here!  So, we may be at the Waffle House for CD or we may stay home and make a sandwich.  Either way, we'll be looking forward to the Sat after.  We quit visiting our son in IL after a fiasco a couple of years ago, so we're all much happier.

luise.volta

L - Good for you! There is life beyond parenting...I am living proof! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

DixieDarling

I am sorry to Lauren. I know this hurts something awful!! And there probably isn't anything you want to do more than spend time with someone you love so much. I would be confused at why after all this time. But it is what it is, as they say.
The ladies here seem to have found ways to move on and have a good life. So you and I will live and learn. Right?
Sending you warm thoughts and big hugs....

Stilllearning

I am sorry too Lauren, but be honest......how much enjoyment have you gotten from those visits and calls lately?  I would think that you almost wished you had not called (or gone).  Wouldn't the stress level in your life go down if you just put the whole thing on the back burner for a while?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

JustPuzzled

Lauren, I have read both your posts-I am sorry for you, but I want to ask you some questions and hope you will reply:

1) Have you tried to reach out to your other children? Do you think they would be open to a relationship with you now?

2) It would help immensely if we knew why you didn't like your DIL. I think she is the key here. I do not think she is influencing your son. I think he has a mind of his own. But I think that maybe if you really tried to find something to like about your DIL, it would help. Tell her that when you visit, she is free to go and come as she chooses-she is an adult and it is her home-but you would still like to see her. Have you two ever had a heart to heart? Has she ever done anything to make her think badly of you?

3) I want to share a story-when I was first married, I had severe problems with my husband's grandmother. She was very, very old fashioned. Anyway, she had a standing monthly appointment when she would come visit us.  Unfortunately, I was usually gone when this happened or I would say hello and run out the door. Reason being, during the first 6 months of our marriage, my godmother was dying a slow painful death from cancer.  I was always visiting at the hospital, picking up relatives from the airport so they could say goodbye to my godmother, etc. Because of this, my husband's grandmother thought I was ignoring her. I was not. I was either visiting my godmother or keeping busy so I didn't have to think of her passing.  My husband told his grandmother this, but I don't think she ever forgave me.

Lauren, I am not saying that this is your DIL's situation, but can you understand why she wants time on her own? Some people are introverts. Why do you feel disrespected if she did not want to spend time with you?

4) Also re feeling that families should share their homes with each other-I fear that is a sentiment that younger adults don't share thiese days. I think there are less hard feelings if parents stay in hotels. Everyone gets a breather.  Maybe, Lauren, if you offer to stay in a hotel, your son might consider a visit.

5) Curious-when you visit, where do you stay-is there a guest bedroom or is your son's house small and cramped.

I wish you nothing  but the best. My heart aches for you.

Pooh

Quote from: JustPuzzled on December 13, 2013, 04:30:32 AM

4) Also re feeling that families should share their homes with each other-I fear that is a sentiment that younger adults don't share thiese days. I think there are less hard feelings if parents stay in hotels. Everyone gets a breather.  Maybe, Lauren, if you offer to stay in a hotel, your son might consider a visit.


This one always gets me tickled.  I know you are right.  It does seem to be a sentiment that the majority of younger adults share.  And I understand that actually. What gets me tickled about it though, as far as my friends and family go, the younger adults do want the parental(s) to stay in a hotel and give them their space but when they visit, they want to stay with the parental(s).  This is just what I'm seeing in my life. 

My best friend just had this happen.  She went to visit her DS over the summer (and they have a good relationship) and DS asked if she would stay in a hotel.  They have the room, they just asked her so they could still have her privacy.  So she did.  Now, they are coming to her house for Christmas and she asked them which hotel they were staying in.  DS huffed and said, "Well, we were going to stay with you!  We really don't have the money for a hotel.  And you always cook."

She laughed and told him it was fine she just thought they were because of asking her to so they could have privacy.  She said he got kind of quiet and said, "Umm....yeah I guess we did do that to you huh?"
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Turn about is fair play!  ;) I don't like anyone staying in my home...and I love my family to pieces. I also don't like to stay with others. It's just a personal preference (eccentricity?)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Haha... for sure.. and not to mention those who find themselves in need of a place to stay, due to divorce, or loss of job etc..  I think they called them Boomerang kids?   What better place than mom's house.. rent free.. complete with room service, maid service and internet..  lol!

luise.volta

My sons were denied the Boomerang Option. I was told when I moved out that I could never return...that my life was in my own hands. I told my sons the same thing. It was passed on to my grandsons and now my great granddaughter has moved out on her own. That may sound cold but it has worked well for us and our mutual affection is rampant.  :) My guess is that decisions are more carefully thought out when consequences have to be faced and independently transcended. Not easy to go through or to watch but it's 'life.' Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Ha ha.  Oh you can bet it may come up for me eventually.  Let's see, YS lived with us for 6 months, went in the military.  When he and DIL married, she was pregnant and he got deployed.  Asked if she could move in with us.  Lived with us for 11 months.  They are coming in for Christmas, with GS in tow and staying with us for two weeks.  She's pregnant again and he will deploy before the birth, so she's coming back here for about 3 months.

When we went to visit, we stayed in a hotel.  Now, we were only there for two days, and they didn't ask us to, it was just he had just got back and we knew they would want alone time, so we thought it best.  Also knowing they didn't have a second bedroom set yet.  Now...they do and he is being deployed again in the Spring.  She's asked me if I will fly out for his deployment and then drive back here with her to help with GS (15 hr drive).  I've already told her that I would, but I'm not getting a hotel this time.  Since it will only be for a couple of days again, I'm going to ask if I can stay with them this time and they are going to have to pick me up from the airport.  If they tell me no, then I'm probably going to tell them I can't come out.  Not to be mean, but by the time I pay for the ticket to fly, plus going to have her and a GS for about 3 months again...my expenses go way up.  We pay for everything, as far as groceries, electricity, water...etc.  We've never asked them to contribute so if they don't want to put Mom up for 2 nights to save me $300-400 bucks of a hotel and rental car....ummm....they are going to have to ask someone else to do it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lauren

Justpuzzled – I will try to answer your questions. The reason why I never liked DIL was because my late husband and I felt that she rushed our son into marriage. They had only been dating for a few months long distance when they got married and we hadn't even met her yet but our son refused to hear anything about waiting. I've never had a heart to heart conversation with her and I never saw the need for it since my son always supported me and took my side on things. Now that I'm not allowed to visit them next year, I've been calling her phone all these days to try to find out what's happening but she won't pick up the phone. I'm trying to decide if I should try to call my son again this weekend and ask him to put her on the phone so that I can get an answer. I would even be willing to not insist that she is with me the whole time.

In the beginning they had a one bedroom apartment so I used to stay in the living room whenever I visited. Later on they bought a house and I've always stayed in the room that they use as a home office. Honestly I'm afraid to offer to stay in a hotel because most likely I would end up seeing them only a couple of hours per day and after traveling so far I want to spend more time with my son.

I tried for many years to reach out to my other children but they are just not interested.

Pooh

Lauren, if you have been trying to contact her for days, and she's not answering, then calling your Son and trying to force her to speak to you, I wouldn't think is going to go over very well.  I thought you had decided to try backing off and giving them space to see what happens?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lauren

Thanks Pooh, this is so hard. Since every Sunday when I call I only talk to my son, I thought that it would be OK to not call him anymore and try to get an answer from her instead. I guess I shouldn't do that either.