March 28, 2024, 04:08:46 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I guess now it is happening for sure

Started by Lauren, December 08, 2013, 04:46:51 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Lillycache

Quote from: miamilady on December 09, 2013, 09:02:39 AM
sorry lilly,

i really didn't mean to hurt  your feelings or anyone eles's. i realize this is a very sensitive topic and i'll try to be a little more sympathetic next time.

if its alright, i'd still love for lauran to answer my original questions... i truly believe it can help DILs like me understand why a MIL might do those things. it might even help some of the MILs too.

i hope my advise on apologizing wasn't hurtful, i just really thought it might help. i've had to apologize many times in my life, and i always feel great after doing so. kind of like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... plus i really do think that as long as there was no major damage done (like murder) most people are open enough to appreciate (an accept) a sinsere apology. it might even help them to start anew.


No miamilady, you didn't hurt my feelings with your post.. nor is a sensitive topic for me.  I simpy disagreed with it in this instance. 

Apologizing when you have no idea WHAT you've done makes no sense.   In Lauren's case.. she asked her DS what the problem was and he wasn't forthcoming.  So what on earth does Lauren have to apologize for?  According to her son.. she did nothing. They just made the dicision to not have visitors.  Begging someone to tell you what has upset them... when they keep saying nothing.. is kind of self defeating wouldn't you agree?        I have no problems apologizing for something I've done, or even for something that I've done inadvertantly.. it's when it's a nebulous thing or when someone doesn't give me the courtesy of an honest answer or any answer at all as in this case  ... that's when I would refuse.

miamilady

I have a MIL who likes to come and stay for two weeks per year (she used to stay for four months) but after two years of marriage me AND my husband decided that a four month visit was unnecessary. I think she's bitter about that, especially since we have kids now.

My first experience with a visit from my MIL was when my husband and I came home from our honeymoon. MIL came over and stayed with us in our small one bedroom apartment. We had virtually no privacy (mind you we were newlyweds). She wanted to do everything with us. Whenever we went to the beach, shopping, or to a restaurant she third wheeled it with us. One night, my husband and I had the same night off. The plan was to sit on the sofa and enjoy a nice romantic comedy with a bowl of ice cream.MIL saw us and went to the kitchen to get three spoons and sat down with us to share the bowl of ice cream.... WOLF!

Two years later, baby number one came which made things even more tense. The day after I came home from the hospital, she invited herself over and everything was down hill after that. Unwanted advice, extended stay, making noise while baby and I were trying to sleep, watching me breastfeed, inviting over her estranged FOO... The whole nine yards.

I talked to my husband about it and he told me that he actually didn't want his mom visiting longer than a week, but didn't want to hurt her feelings. To make a long story short, DH and MIL eventually got into an argument. She claimed he wasn't spending enough time with her, so now she comes for shorter visits.

MIL and I are cordial, but whenever she visits it feels forced and uncomfortable, not only for me but DS too. I actually have to talk him into taking MIL out of the house for lunch or something... After she leaves, it takes me a few days to recover.

luise.volta

You get your wings with that one! Wow! I would never have gone the extra mile...(or 100!) As in NEVER!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

miamilady

Lilly,

Thanks for your comment. I'm going to copy and paste a paragraph from Lauren's last topic:

"I've never liked my daughter in law but I have always insisted that the whole family is together at all times when I'm there because I only see them twice a year so I want all of us to spend as much time together as possible. My son used to support me in this and whenever his wife tried to go places by herself, he would make her stay with me and she acted friendly to me even though I could sense it was all fake. All of this has changed and now I hardly see her and the children when I visit because the whole time I'm there she is gone. She makes herself very busy and my grandchildren spend a lot of time in their rooms when I'm visiting. My son seems annoyed with my visits and calls and I'm devastated"

I suggested that she apologize for insisting that her DIL spend time with her at all times. Some people might be offended by that (esp. when it's for 20 days) and even more so, if it's from someone who never liked them. Furthermore, I'm sure that her DIL is a busy mom/wife, who have a life of her own. Spending time with someone that dislikes you at all times maybe seen as unfair when they have a busy schedule.

Secondly, I wondered if she was invited for 20 days. That might be a little too much for some people as well. Many people in Europe live in very small living quarters, so having a 20 day unwanted visit from someone who dislikes you makes things that more much unpleasant.

Quote from: Lillycache on December 09, 2013, 09:50:57 AM
Quote from: miamilady on December 09, 2013, 09:02:39 AM
Apologizing when you have no idea WHAT you've done makes no sense.   In Lauren's case.. she asked her DS what the problem was and he wasn't forthcoming. 

Sorry, I must have missed  that post.

Lauren

Thank you all again. I will answer some of the questions to get your perspectives because I'm clearly missing something in this whole situation. My son, DIL, and GC have come here maybe 5 times since they moved away and the years in between, they've always taken a vacation together somewhere. I've never considered staying in a hotel because to me it sounds very sad to have to stay in a hotel after you make the effort (physically and financially) to go so far to visit family. I think families should always open their homes for each other.
There were basically two reasons why I always insisted that my daughter in law was present when I was visiting. One reason was that I felt she should be included in the family and the other reason was that I wanted my family to be close and it didn't seem right for her to marry my son (which my late husband and I didn't agree with) and then be able to go off and do her own thing while ignoring his family. My late husband used to join me on one of the visits every year, and I would visit by myself the second time. We both always insisted that DIL was present at all times and our son always supported us on that but lately it is like he is a completely different man that I don't even know anymore. Not that it matters but my husband and I never had a very good relationship, so my son was always a great source of love and comfort and I always looked forward to the visits and phone calls. It all changed within the past year and I can't help to think that DIL has poisoned him against me.
I have two other children (a son and a daughter) who live a couple of hours away from me but I've never been that close to them and they are not very interested in getting together with me. Usually I only see them 2 or 3 times a year and just for the day. When their kids were younger I would offer to babysit,  but most of the time they always had some excuse so it would only happen if I begged for it. Right now it feels like life is so unfair.

MountainGirl

December 09, 2013, 10:38:10 PM #20 Last Edit: December 10, 2013, 07:58:53 AM by luise.volta
I wonder what the result would have been if DIL had been given some space to run some errands and have some "Me" time, and then join up with everyone later in the day. Many of my friends have children who live in other cities. One of the best gifts they give to their kids is a bit of a break while they're visiting - allowing themselves some time with their grandkids and their children time to recharge.  I imagine since your DS/DIL are living in another country without family support, they haven't been able to do many things on their own.

DixieDarling

Lauren, I'm sorry you're sad and feeling alone. I agree that maybe cutting back on things will save what relationship you have left with your DS? Maybe it's not all your DIL? With what you've told us you expect more from this son than his brother and sister who live close to you. If I read that right?
And what you insist on is a big amount of pressure on your DILs life.
Every family is different I know this. But I have two of the best DILs anyone could hope for out of all 3. And I don't think they'd want to be front and center with me that long either. Sending you a big hug and hope all gets worked out for you.

Pooh

Lauren, many of us here have found that some of our biggest hang-ups is getting over our own expectations.  Many times our expectations are very reasonable and most people would see them as "normal" so it's hard for us to believe that the other party wouldn't want the same things.  But the truth is, even when they are reasonable, they belong to us.  Just because we want something, doesn't mean the other person(s) does.  Yes, it's not fair and hard for us to fathom they don't, but it's still on us. 

I will tell you that if anyone insisted that I remain in their company for days on end and didn't want me to do anything but what they wanted, I would be put off to and would revolt as well.  I get that your intentions are well placed and you are just trying to figure out how to be a closer family.   Luise has said many times that we get hung up on being right.  Are you right to want a closer family?  Sure, I would think so and I think any person wants their family to be close.  Can you put yourself in your DIL's shoes?  Can you step away from all the emotional stuff and think how you would feel if someone that you didn't like, and they didn't like you, was insistent that they spend days with you?

I also understand that you didn't have the closest marriage and your DS was the bridge for you.  As much as it hurts, when our children become adults, they are not responsible for our happiness.  It's hard because they have been our happy place for years, and now we have to let them go and find their own lives.  Sure, in a perfect world we maintain a loving relationship and are included in parts of their lives, but we are no longer their lives.

I truly hope you can try to respect their boundaries and see what happens.  I also hope you can find things that make you happy that doesn't include them.  I think one of the biggest life's lessons I learned was that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself.  Do you have hobbies that you love or something you have always wanted to try?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Miamilady, you are a better person than me.  I would have booted her out!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

MG - I modified your last post by leaving off the first paragraph. You made your point in the second one more kindly. 'I' posts are less confrontational than 'you' posts. We are crossing a lot of lines here in tolerance, anxiety levels, conditioning and even cultural issues. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

elsieshaye

Quote from: Pooh on December 10, 2013, 06:16:02 AM
I think one of the biggest life's lessons I learned was that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself.

This was a huge lesson for me as well, Pooh, and I'm still learning it.  Your point about expectations is a good reminder for me as well - no matter how reasonable I think I'm being, if I let myself fall into the thinking error of believing that my preferences and beliefs are a mandate for anyone else, I damage relationships.  The trick for me is always catching myself in the act - by definition, preferences and beliefs are slippery things and try to evade examination.

Elsie
This too shall pass.  All is well.

miamilady

luaren,
so sorry that you aren't getting along with your children. i wish i had a magic solution to make it all better. hopefully, within time you and your family will work everything out. in the mean time, it seems like you have a lot of supportive moms here that have been through similar experiences, maybe you can find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

luise,
thanks for having everyones feelings at heart.  i sure wouldn't want to upset anyone, we've expreinced enough of that already. besides, i don't even remember what i wrote :)

Pooh

Quote from: miamilady on December 10, 2013, 09:17:40 AM

luise,
thanks for having everyones feelings at heart.  i sure wouldn't want to upset anyone, we've expreinced enough of that already. besides, i don't even remember what i wrote :)

Miamilady, she didn't modify your post.  She was explaining why she modified MG - MountainGirl
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

miamilady

oh in that case, i don't even remember what SHE wrote. lol

luise.volta

That's because I deleted it MM. We have a monitored Website because that's what works best. It's not a perfect plan but we want everyone to feel as comfortable as possible. We don't need to agree...except to agree to be kind. That's always up for interpretation, of course, but I have three really awesome Moderators. Once in a while we get someone who just wants agreement and doesn't listen to what anyone offers. They are few and far between and are pretty recognizable by their 'Yeah buts.' When that happens...we just lock the thread and pass on it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama