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DILs...What goes around comes around.

Started by miamilady, December 08, 2013, 09:43:19 AM

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luise.volta

I'm just now learning to 'speak up' and I'm 86 years old! I'm very uncomfortable saying 'no'...like it's a lack in me, if I can't say 'yes' or simply don't want to.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

CBI, some of us haven't done anything to make our DIL's hate us but they do anyway. We can do everything "right" and still end up "wrong." At least we know we didn't intrude, demand, hover, or any of the other deadly MIL sins.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Stilllearning

CBI IMHO....if karma has a hand in things your DIL will not say anything about the things that bother her.  She may imply things but she, like you, will not be direct and you, like your MIL, may think nothing of it.  To avoid future conflict you will need to be very vigilant and when your DIL even hints at an issue you will need to ask her, point blank, if there is anything wrong and how you can correct it.  That will be difficult for you because you do not tend to face things head on......until it is impossible to ignore.  I hope it all works out well!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

confusedbyinlaws

Stilllearning,  I know what you are saying.  I tend to be overly sensitive to implications and hints, so I think I will sense if there is a problem, but the coming out and asking will be harder for me.  I agree that if I want the relationship to work that I'll need to work on that.  There are some differences between my DIL and me and  she does seem to speak up about what she wants a lot of the time. I like her.  She's genuinely nice.  And there are some differences between me and my MIL.  One is that I respect my DIL in her position as mother of my grandchildren and partner of my son and I respect that their life and their family and their home are  theirs and I am but a guest in their lives.  And if someone tells me something I am doing is hurting them or causing issues for them, I will acknowledge it and stop.  Having respect for other people's feelings has never been my issue.  It's been allowing others to disrespect me because I haven't had enough respect for myself  to speak up.   I have gone to therapy since all this happened with my inlaws and have figured a few things out.  I'm doing better... still struggling but better.  It's hard to change lifelong patterns. I guess I can thank my inlaws for bringing me to this point.

confusedbyinlaws

Pen,  I know it's not always the MIL's fault and not always the DIL's fault that they can't get along.  It is by it's nature a difficult relationship.  I don't blame my MIL completely for our problems.   But I also don't think I was 100% to blame either.  I haven't had problems like this with anyone else.

Stilllearning

CBIL...You can tell a porcupine that its spines hurt you and the porcupine can wish that its spines were gone but barring major surgery.......

It stinks, I know, but we have to learn how to deal with them the way they are.  You can hope they will change, but to expect them to change is most often unrealistic, the same way it was unrealistic for them to expect you to not be bothered by their behavior.  I hope you keep trying because that is what family is all about.  It is not about everyone getting along, it is about everyone being there for each other even if they are not getting along. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown