DILs...What goes around comes around.

[Stilllearning]

Yes Louise!!  I have had people look at me like I was some sort of devil worshiper when I mention 'karma'  LOL!!  You don't hear me say it very much any more either, but I do believe that what goes around comes around.  Same thing....right?

[luise.volta]

To me, it's just semantics and I don't want to be shot for using the wrong word!   

[Lillycache]

Yes Louise!!  I have had people look at me like I was some sort of devil worshiper when I mention 'karma'  LOL!!  You don't hear me say it very much any more either, but I do believe that what goes around comes around.  Same thing....right?

   Karma is a concept prevalent in East Indian religions meaning action or deed which causes an entire cycle of cause and effect.   Nothing horrible or satanic about it just as many of the Christain beliefs would be odd or scary  to someone not practicing Christianity.   Yes, I think the notion of "what goes around comes around" is exactly the same concept.. just not as exotic sounding to our western ears.

[Pen]

I don't know about "what goes around comes around" since I know of lots of people who are real hard cases but seem to be lucky as can be, and good people who can't catch a break. Maybe in the Great Beyond it'll all even out, lol.

What I do know is that most of the MILs here have also been DILs at some point. Not all DILs have had the experience of being MILs. I've observed really heinous MIL tactics (my first MIL, as well as my mom's MIL aka my grandma) and also wonderful MIL traits (my DH's mom.) When I became a MIL I vowed, and have kept that vow, to follow my DH's mom's lead rather than my grandma's lead.

Oh well, my DIL had an agenda (shunning the paternal ILs is a tradition in her FOO) so I lose out anyway.

[Lillycache]

I don't know about "what goes around comes around" since I know of lots of people who are real hard cases but seem to be lucky as can be, and good people who can't catch a break. Maybe in the Great Beyond it'll all even out, lol.

What I do know is that most of the MILs here have also been DILs at some point. Not all DILs have had the experience of being MILs. I've observed really heinous MIL tactics (my first MIL, as well as my mom's MIL aka my grandma) and also wonderful MIL traits (my DH's mom.) When I became a MIL I vowed, and have kept that vow, to follow my DH's mom's lead rather than my grandma's lead.

Oh well, my DIL had an agenda (shunning the paternal ILs is a tradition in her FOO) so I lose out anyway.

I know what you mean Pen.  I think we all know people who can fall in doggie doo-doo and come out smelling like a rose every time.  These are the people that always seem to luck out and nothing seems to stick to them no matter how obnoxious they behave.  Yet I have to believe that they too will face unpleasant situations which deep down inside they know is their personal "comeuppance"

I don't always think this takes exactly the same form as their crime or dirty deed.  Yet it is exactly the result of the cycle they put into action... as in the definition of "Karma".    A DIL who has hurt and ostracized her husband's FOO may not get that treatment in return from HER children.. especially if she has all girls.  However, knowing what it's like to lose a parent that I didn't always treat the best I could.. I feel the loss and the guilt everyday, and know that there is no way in this life that I can make amends to that parent.   Therefore, I wonder how the husbands will feel after their moms are gone.   Will they feel the guilt off knowing they allowed their mother to be hurt and mistreated?   Will they turn and look fondly at their wives knowing that they caused their mother grief and pain?  Could I personally have affection now for someone I know mistreated my mom?  I don't believe I could.  Therefore, the "karma" or comeuppance will take another avenue... but it WILL exist in one way or another.  It's simply the effect of ones prior actions that were set in motion by those actions.  It has to happen in some form or another.

[DixieDarling]

My parents taught us children many things. (I was very blessed in the parent area of life!!) but our 1st golden rule was, "treat others how you would want to be treated. Not how you believe they deserve."

I've lived by that code my entire life. And I can honestly say I've never been ashamed of who I am. Disappointed in myself sometimes yes but I jerk myself in line when need be.

That doesn't mean that I am treated good all the time by others because  I'm not. And I make mistakes daily. I get stuck in the "I'm right" mode to Luise, so I got that.
But at the end of the day I want to always be proud of who I am.

I'm learning so much here and I find myself saying, "why have I never looked at it this way before?" On many issues.
I've always believed if we stop learning we're dead.

[luise.volta]

We need to be careful here. If we write that we know we're not supposed to discuss our religious beliefs here "but"...we're off and running. After years of monitoring this Website, not going there seems to work best in the long run. It's not easy, I know, because our religious beliefs are part of us. 

[stilltrying2010]

All very thought provoking. I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. I feel in my own situation its getting difficult to continue to invest in a relationship when it isn't reciprocated. I am pleasant and respectful and send appropriate gifts/acknowledgments. Silence from them towards me. After nearly 10yrs married it is clear that all the married-in people are second class.  Its very lonely for me to be around them all.  I have been told to step aside and allow the relationship btwn them and our children.  The thing is, they do nothing to interact with our kids. Where Id like to be is indifferent... I admit I just go through the motions now but they have rekindled a relationship with my DH after a death in the foo.  I am glad.for my husband but wish that instead of just taking what they wanted they gave something to us as well (not material things)... I guess it's just my expectation and as long as i keep it is as long as I'll be disappointed.

[luise.volta]

Yes, that's how it was with me, ST. I was in the final analysis responsible for my own happiness and it just wasn't where I thought it would be. Hugs...

[Sarah]

Hi, I don't wish karma or anything bad on my mil.  I just like it when she leaves me alone.  I have gone from wanting a nice relationship with her, to being angry and not understanding why she is the way she is, to now, just being plain apathetic.  After all of the nasty, nasty comments she has made to me over the years, all out of earshot of her son, she can now live her life and I wish her well.  I don't wish harm or negativity on her.  I don't believe in karma.  I really just prefer it when she keeps to herself. 

[Pooh]

I understand that Sarah.  My first yucky MIL, I used to sit around and go, "Please don't call today...Please don't call today..."  I would have been perectly happy if she just left me alone.

I believe that whatever you put out into the world, is returned to you. May not be today, tomorrow or even 10 years from now, but I do believe the energy is returned.  Yes, I too know people that never do the right thing, and still seem to have good heaped upon them.  And I know good people that seems they never catch a break.  I think in both cases, eventually it will.  And it may be returned in a way that you don't even think about.  I know many good people that never catch a break, that live extremely happy and love life.  Those same people that that are negative, have good material things happen to them, but are some of the most miserable people I know.

[luise.volta]

S - Good to see you! I am touched that you aren't harboring a grudge and that you wish MIL well. It is so true that hating others only hurts us. I had a very hard time learning that letting go didn't have to have to mean agreeing with or condoning. Hugs...

[Sarah]

Thank you all for your kind words.
I learned a long time ago that my hate wasn't leading towards anything but me being bitter and resentful. 
Pooh - you are right, my mil has all of the material possessions one could ever want, but constantly berates and puts down her only son, my husband.  My husband is a functioning alcoholic and it has been hard to deal with and it is hard when my husband goes to see them and he comes home drunk and hostile from them berating our marriage.  I have learned that I will never have a relationship with her, that I can never let her into my world any longer.  I do not stop her from seeing our children but I listen to what they come home and say.  So far, there's really nothing she is saying to my kids so I am thankful for that.  She dislikes me intensely but I have learned to let that go.  I see them when I have to and only with my husband present and it is very civil.  Not warm, but civil on a superficial friendly level. I am so thankful for this site and you and Louise's kind words.  I may not post all the time, but I take things with me reading your posts and you and Louise is are absolutely correct.  You have to find a place of acceptance and know that you can only control you.   Only you can find the peace within yourself.  So on that front, I think I'm a work in progress!  Thank you.

[Pooh]

You're a good person to continue letting the kids go.  I always did too and as bad as my MIL was, she really never said anything to the kiddos.  That was a big deciding factor in me continuing with the visits. 

I'm always a work in progress.  Right now, I'm having more issues at work than I am my personal life.  I love my job, but I swear I work with a bunch of 4 year olds!  They will work their hineys off but yet leave a sink full of dishes for someone else to do or leave a garbage bag in the hallway.  It's like picking up after kids!

So yes, I've been ranting and raving about that, and today I had to remind myself that I can't control them either and their dishes will be there tomorrow.

[confusedbyinlaws]

I tend to think people suffer the consequences of their own actions.  In my case I suffered the consequences of not speaking up for myself enough.  I am not inherently assertive.  However on those rare occasions when I did speak up about things that upset me about my inlaws, it was met with things like " you shouldn't feel that way" or "we don't mean it that way."  So then I would think I was wrong to feel the way I did so I would shut down again and things would continue on as they were.  However, just because I didn't get the response I wanted doesn't mean I was wrong to feel the way I felt and to respect my own needs. If I had had enough respect for myself, I would have taken better care of myself and established clear boundaries in my own home.  They might not have liked me as much, but I would have felt better towards them. What was wrong is the way I dealt with those feelings (or didn't deal) and I suffered the consequences of that for our entire 30 year relationship.  My inlaws are experiencing the consequences of not listening to me and not supporting or respecting me when I did speak up now because apparently they still want to have a relationship with me and I don't want to right now.  I simply don't want to be with them. However they still have a relationship with my husband and adult children, so they have never had to have the consequence of not having them in their lives.  But they have always treated my husband and kids great.
I don't know if I will have trouble with my DIL in the future and if that will be my Karma, but so far things seem good.  I think knowing how I felt when my inlaws took over or expected me to adapt to their family has helped.  I have a clear understanding that my son and his partner are in charge of their home and family and I am only extended family who is allowed to be part of it.  I don't think I am as intrusive as my inlaws, but maybe I am doing something else that might cause my DIL to hate me.