March 28, 2024, 11:10:19 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


GM with a heavy heart

Started by EJGrandma, December 16, 2013, 04:19:04 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

luise.volta

Great story, S.! Great moral there...call first...she's got a life!  :D My kids love it that I do because then they can, too!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

EJ - I hope that you use this new knowledge to make things better with your DIL.  What if you said "Oh, I didn't know it would bother you for me to clean your house, I was only trying to help, I'll stop now." and "I don't mean to be rude when speaking my language in front of you, it's my first language and it's just easier for me.  From now on, I'll try harder to speak your language, and if I'm having troubles, we'll just have DS translate for you!"

Because it doesn't seem like this is a deal-breaker situation.  As long as you stop cleaning her house and start making an effort to speak her language (I'm sure she'll appreciate any effort, especially if you instruct your DS to translate for her), you should be GOLDEN.

And really, if you're old enough to have teenage grandkids, you deserve a break!  Let the teenagers learn how to clean up! 

That being said, it *IS* rude to speak another language in front of someone who doesn't understand.  We grew up bi-lingual and it was DRUMMED into us, how rude it was to my Dad.  But he was understanding, if we were in a French-language situation, my Mother or one of us kids would translate for him.  If my Aunt or Gpa *had* to tell a story in French, they would apologize to my Dad first, explaining that it didn't make sense in English.  It wasn't that HE insisted that we only speak English around him, it was that we were polite about it, and considerate of him.  Maybe if you make an effort with your DIL, she will appreciate it.

Good luck.

DixieDarling

Shiny said,   "Maybe I should strive in the upcoming new year to develop more meaningful friendships/activities instead of relying on family to meet that need."
I'll join you dear. I need to do the same thing. So for the new year my goal is,  1)to get a life. 2)straighten up my life! I can't find anything anymore and it's making me crazy! So I'm starting in the back of my home moving forward one room at time. I will find my Xmas decorations by next year or die trying! LOL
I've missed you ladies the last few days! You do my soul good reading here. And give my heart hope. Hubby has been in hospital again the last 6 days. Good to be home.
EJ, you've come to the right place to find caring people. I hope the advice helps and you are able to find peace.

luise.volta

Glad you are back, too, DD. Sorry about the hospital and hope all is well or at least a lot better.Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

DixieDarling


Sheen

Hi Gm

Although I haven't posted in awhile, I have been reading and keeping up . Most of the time, I just read this side with DIL's to gain some prospective but if I post it usually ends up on the adult Children side.

My situation with my son has not changed and we have not spoken in close to ten years.  (His choice not mine)
I thought perhaps I could offer some support with your post however. I live in Sweden and my inlaws live about five hundred feet from us. They speak a little English and I understand most Swedish but speak very little. Every family get together, each time they visit, it is always a total Swedish conversation. I have learned after ten years that I enter into conversations that I understand and just stay quiet and do my own thing on most others.  It is hard to feel like part of a group when you don't understand what is being said.
One time we took a vacation together to Italy , when they decided to go along, my first thought was oh no a week of being left out of conversations again. The funny part was although that did happen a few times, my husband did his best to include all of us in the conversations. There was times that he ended up so confused on who he was speaking to that he would switch and speak Swedish to me and English to them lol.

I tend to agree that maybe she is just tired of feeling left out of the conversation and as far as the house cleaning, if you feel the urge you are more then welcomed to come here. 

Enjoy the time you have with the gc and don't read too much into the whole thing. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. 

luise.volta

Wonderful to hear from you Sheen! Thanks for the bilingual input. That's so funny about DH reversing translations! :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

EJ, perhaps you can find someone who will appreciate your help! There must be homeless children who need food & clothing, babies who need to be rocked, senior citizens or hospice patients whose home could use some sprucing up, etc.

Sheen, your DH sounds like a wonderful man. Kudos to him.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

herbalescapes

I think your trip next month gives you a golden opportunity to start things off with a clean slate when you return.  Your son has made three requests of you; they may or may not be related.  It's very possible that your GC want more independence and feel your visits crimp their style.  They may want more time to do their own thing or spend with friends.  That's very normal with teenagers.  This may have nothing to do with DIL. 

I wouldn't apologize for previously cleaning the house and speaking your native tongue.  Just stop those behaviors.  I don't mean to throw your son under the bus or cast aspersions on his character, but you're judging DIL based on his accounts and those accounts may not be accurate.  Perhaps DIL was having one of those days where she was griping about everything.  Maybe these are small annoyances to her and she'd be surprised to hear that DS talked to you.  Maybe it's really DS who is annoyed by the cleaning and the language thing, but doesn't feel comfortable voicing his own complaints.  (This is my personal bias showing here - my DH couldn't establish boundaries with his FOO, so he used me as a scapegoat.)

In your shoes my big challenge would be to not dwell on these requests and blow them out of proportion.  If DS (or DIL) had blown up at you with something like "For 15 years you've been doing this totally oblivious to how rude and condescending your behavior is!  Cut it out or we'll cut you out!!!!" then I'd say they were out of line for not nipping this in the bud 14.95 years ago.  But it seems like DS is making some reasonable requests in reasonable tones.  Don't obsess over it.  Don't read into it that DIL has been seething with anger and resentment for the past 15 years.  (If you figure out how to do that, please share.  I am horrible for getting worked up about things and never letting go.) 

Try to engage with the GC in other ways - text, email, snapchat, fb, etc.  Think of new patterns for visiting and keeping up with DS and his family.  Go enjoy your holiday.  If you need encouragement/support in the changing nature of your relationship with your DS and his family, you'll find lots of sympathy here