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I guess now it is happening for sure

Started by Lauren, December 08, 2013, 04:46:51 PM

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Stilllearning

Oh Lauren, we all know how difficult it is!  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done but once you get over the initial hurt most of us find out wonderful things.  We find out that we actually have a life without our AC.  We find that we can enjoy ourselves.  I found out that my life was more relaxed when my DS/DIL were not around and started asking myself why I was so adamant that they be included when in fact they made me uncomfortable.  It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  My hope for you is that you can discover the same.  If you hear from you DS you should tell him what you are going to do with the money you would have spent going to see them and sound happy to have the money to spend on yourself.  Take a cruise or go somewhere you have always wanted to go.  As Louise is so wonderful to point out.....you had a life before your children were born and you can have one again now!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pooh

I know Lauren.  We want so hard to try and make things right.  I'm just speculating that if she wanted to speak with you, she would have answered or called you back.   Sometimes what people don't do, speaks more volumes than what they do.  I know for myself, the more someone pushes me into a corner, the more stubborn and angry I get. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

Lauren.... this is said with kindness and concern for you...  Leave them alone.   When we push and push.. we end up pushing away.  right?    Like this old poem says

If you love something, Set it free...

I know how hard this is for you.. I can feel the pain in all the words you type.. but for your sake... and theirs.. let it go. work on your life and happiness in other areas.  Easier said than done when we think our only chance for happiness is tied up in another person.. but like all grieving of losses, it takes time and you must go through the stages.  There is no set time limit for healing.  Keep coming here for support.  (((hugs)))


Grieving

Lauren, As others have said, it is not easy, very painful to give up our 'should have beens". It doesn't happen at once, and there are still bad days. However, I found that once I got mad, and decided 'no more'  dancing to their tune,if I didn't see GC, so what. I hadn't been allowed to bond with them anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. I know some will find that hard to believe, but it is true.   This was not without some comments about me not caring, etc. ,but our visits are better now. I decided I might as well be hung for a sheep as a goat,so enough was enough. Not perfect, not what I wanted or dreamed about, but something I can live with. Now it is DS who is making the overtures, not me------or DIL, but that ship has sailed. I expect nothing from her, so am never disappointed. Strangely, I also realized that while I will always love DS, admire what he has done in his profession, I really don't like or enjoy being with him. He has become DIL's 'puppet', and neither are people I would chose to be with if they were not family. I agree, the best thing you could do is take the money, and spend it on something YOU will enjoy.....and be sure to let them know how much fun you have!!

luise.volta

L - The same suggestions are running through every response here. Do you see that? We can't do it for you and I really think it is time to close this thread. We've all pretty much had our say. There are places we can get stuck. In fact, many of us have gotten stuck and had to work like the dickens to get unstuck. (I sure have!) We can get stuck in being right. We can get stuck in not wanting it to be the way it is. We can get stuck in how hard we tried and it isn't fair. We can get stuck trying to fix it. We can get stuck in hoping it will change. The list is endless. We can even become a "yeah-but rabbit" and defend ourselves endlessly.

Where we get, if we are willing to do the work...is to stop processing it and talking about it and anguishing over it...and move on into action. I would suggest you print out our responses, if you think that would help...and then decide if you want to get unstuck or not. We're all behind you...but it's your call. And, unfortunately, you have to do all the work. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama