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Daughter-in-law purposely misses our holiday celebrations. What should I do?

Started by JustPuzzled, December 04, 2013, 09:02:31 PM

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DixieDarling

I'm curious if any of you have ever talked to your DILs, or even DSs and DILs together, to ask what type of relationship they want to have with you?

Of course!

luise.volta

MG - Most of us didn't come here until after we tried everything we could think of first.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


luise.volta

DD - There  are no gurus here, just compassionate friends. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

JustPuzzled

So, my son invited me over for lunch yesterday. DIL was there and I told her that we missed seeing her on holidays and that my family would love it if she would join us at family occasions. DIL says she has had to work on holidays and I pointed out that she never seemed to have to work on holidays that she would see her family on. DIL said, "That is MY family, what do you expect, that I would not see them?" I told her no, but that would hope that she would consider us, her husband's family as family and what would happen when the baby comes. DIL said, "it's my child, it will be with me." My jaw dropped. I sent my son an email telling him exactly what the conversation was and am waiting for a reply.

luise.volta

JP - You tried. That's all you can do, as far as I know. Follow up emails may make it more complex. Expectations, no matter how reasonable, can be tough...since they are yours and no one is responsible to meet them. There's a marriage to honor beyond that. I'm so sorry.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

JP, we're here for you. I've been told similar things by my DIL, and it's a bit shocking. No babies on our horizon but I'm preparing myself (no expectations) for the big cut off if/when they arrive.

To answer MG's question, asking my DS & DIL about our relationship would be seen as too intrusive and agressive, I'm guessing. My DIL told DS right after the wedding that she & her FOO hated us because we were "losers." She admitted we hadn't done or said anything wrong, she just hated us for who we were. This was after we'd gotten her out of a legal jam, paid for our share of the wedding expenses (her FOO is wealthy, we are not), invited her to vacation with us, etc.

I'm not sure I even care that much anymore after all the stuff we've gone through, to be honest with you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

DixieDarling

WOW Pen!! Who is anyone to call someone else a loser? Money doesn't make one rich as most of us know. Your DIL sounds much like my youngest DIL. Her family has money also .
She is a spoiled little brat in her selfish behavior.
It does hurt my feelings but I keep it to myself. Any thing we've offered for the baby has been refused and we are told her Mom has gotten everything and then some.
I have to admit I find myself wondering how her Mom don't seem to mind. If she were in my place it would be horrible.
Just in the little tome I've been here I'm learning to let it go. Whatever will be, will be.

JPEG, I hope your son answers you and it's straightened out. But her side of the story in his ear won't be the same as yours. I'm sure.
It's just sad the time wasted over wanting to be boss and right.

DixieDarling

Sorry for my typos ladies.
I meant what little (time) I've been here.
And I JP not JPEG

Lillycache

Quote from: DixieDarling on December 09, 2013, 11:22:26 PM
WOW Pen!! Who is anyone to call someone else a loser? Money doesn't make one rich as most of us know. Your DIL sounds much like my youngest DIL. Her family has money also .
She is a spoiled little brat in her selfish behavior.
It does hurt my feelings but I keep it to myself. Any thing we've offered for the baby has been refused and we are told her Mom has gotten everything and then some.
I have to admit I find myself wondering how her Mom don't seem to mind. If she were in my place it would be horrible.
Just in the little tome I've been here I'm learning to let it go. Whatever will be, will be.

JPEG, I hope your son answers you and it's straightened out. But her side of the story in his ear won't be the same as yours. I'm sure.
It's just sad the time wasted over wanting to be boss and right.

My DIL was not quite so careful.  My son heard and witnessed her attack on me first hand..  He has told HER and me that his opinion of her changed drastically that night.  However, he will remain there for his kids.. and I'm proud of him for that.  He had a dad that walked out on us when he was just 4 and he remembers how it affected him.. He has said he will not do that to his kids.   In the future?  Who knows.  Once the kids are grown I don't think DIL will be have him around.  I'm not gloating or happy about that.  I wish happiness for my son.  I wish that he had married a nicer person.  BUT.. you never really know anyone do you.   

DixieDarling

BUT.. you never really know anyone do you?
No Lilly sadly we don't. At least with your son hearing it first hand you know he knows. Has that helped any with how you're treated by her?

Lillycache

Quote from: DixieDarling on December 10, 2013, 05:41:33 AM
BUT.. you never really know anyone do you?
No Lilly sadly we don't. At least with your son hearing it first hand you know he knows. Has that helped any with how you're treated by her?


I have no contact with my DIL.    But it has helped with my son.  He brings the kids to see me.   I don't know or particularly care about the dynamics of his marriage.  It's none of my business really.  Apparently he and she have worked out an agreement regarding me.  Neither one of us has any desire to be in the other's company.

Footloose

Family contains personalities, behaviors, preferences and norms that that sometimes collide with our own.  While we are blessed to have the ability to chose our friends, family does not always equal friendship.  The best we can hope for is respect in our own boundary building and if we readily show it, maybe we will get some respect back.  Maybe not but we are always better for taking the high road. 

you can pick your friends
and you can pick your nose
but you cant wipe your friends on the sofa!

totally pointless but I hope I got you to smile

tryingmybest

Oh my, we have all been there. We were basically kicked to the curb by both sons who married within a year of each other. Both DILS come from extremely emeshed families and both made it clear right from the get go, holidays would be with their families first, because they had traditions that could not be broken. I grit my teeth and make do with what they deign to give us. Right now a nice holiday cruise is sounding good.  ::)

One thing I did stress with both DS's is the real need for the young couples to form their own family and make their own traditions. Both FOO should be stepping back to let that happen. I'm giving them their space with no demands, and after a few years of very little contact, they are both initiating visits and contact, because the unfairness of the situation is becoming really clear, and they are getting tired of being the tag along to their wife's family dynamic. I don't say a word except to praise them for the adults they have become and remind them their lives are theirs to control and deal with.

DixieDarling

trying, You sound like a very smart and strong woman. I am glad your boys are starting to do right by you.
I'm only having some small issues starting to appear with my youngest and newest DIL. The other two are really good people. I believe if ever our sons divorced them I'd be like Luise is with hers and stay family.
I spent the entire day with our middle sons wife today. She is the sweetest person I know. I don't know if she has a hateful bone in her body. My husband says if the new one ever spends any time around us as a family she will see how silly she's being. I on the other hand don't think she will ever admit a mistake.