Daughter-in-law purposely misses our holiday celebrations. What should I do?

[Stilllearning]

Oh my goodness JP.....I wonder how your DIL will react if she has a boy?  Having children really changes people. It makes them grow up.  Especially when they realize that they are the parents now and they don't have magical powers (like they thought their parents did).  I am hoping it is a boy!!!

[Lillycache]

Don't feel badly about missing those clues..  I missed some real whoppers myself.   I was not included one second in all the prewedding planning.   I was basically given the amount of guests I was allowed to invite and told when to show up.  Beyond that ZIP....

When at events like showers, christenings, birthday parties etc.. DIL's mom and her aunts and  sisters ran the show.  I was never asked to bring anything and my offers of helping in the kitchen or with clean up were declined.  I guess I was just one of the guests.. not family or anything like that.   I mean, I didn't particularly WANT to cook or clean up, but I wanted to feel part of it.. not like a stranger.

DILs paternal grandmother was never even invited to anything.  I didn't even know she HAD a paternal grandmother until I was told she died and her father was taking care of the arrangements.  It wasn't even a big deal.. She died.. oh well.. was the attitude of DIL.     HUGE clue there as to the importance of the husband's family.   That should have given me a hint that I wasn't particularly welcome either except as a gesture to my son who apparently wanted me there in spite of the flack. 

In the last 2 or 3 years before the split..  My son became really nervous and quiet around me.  Like he was expecting me to do something or say something horrible.. He looked and acted almost afraid of me.  I was getting that vibe but couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on.  He was never like that toward me before.. we were always close and he knew I always had his back.   After the split.. I found out that this was from 10 years of constant badgering and diatribes directed toward him about me... my motives... my personality... my character... my statements... and my parenting of him.   I guess when you are hearing this propaganda for years you start to believe some of it.

Fortunately, my son didn't allow a total break from me, and our relationship and interactions are much better now.. more relaxed.   Perhaps my son finally laid down the law and told her to shut up about me.   I tend to think that her treatment of me opened his eyes to her and what she was trying to do.  WHich of course was to alienate him from me completely... as her mom did to her mil.   Guess it runs in the family.   

[Pen]

Oh boy, me too. LC, like you I knew something wasn't right but I chalked it up to cultural differences, language barrier, shyness, etc. After we got the word that DIL/her FOO actually hated us (for no particular reason or anything we'd done, they just didn't like us) I spent a lot of time feeling bad because I'd been so naïve and trusting, but now I feel good about erring on the side of acceptance. I did the right thing and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Like your DS, my DS has changed since the wedding. When he talks to me I hear DIL's opinions and spin out from his mouth. DS has told me that his MIL has been estranged from her ILs since day one of her marriage, so I guess it's a family tradition to jettison the man's FOO.

[Lillycache]

Oh my goodness JP.....I wonder how your DIL will react if she has a boy?  Having children really changes people. It makes them grow up.  Especially when they realize that they are the parents now and they don't have magical powers (like they thought their parents did).  I am hoping it is a boy!!!

In the heat of my final battle with my DIL, I brought that up in fact.  That she has two boys and someday just may find out how it is to be treated as she was treating me.  OF COURSE, it was never going to happen to her.  SHE, after all, would know exactly how to be a perfect MIL, and her future DILs were going to love her..  Good luck with that...  I told her to talk to me in 20 years and let me know how that was working out for her.. karma can bite really hard..

[Stilllearning]

When my boys were born I told my sister that I was worried because my brothers did not keep up with the family and I thought that male children are just not as inclined to do that as females.  My sister thought I was crazy.  Years later when my eldest got married and then did not bother to contact me for any occasion whatsoever she said that it happened because I feared it so much. Of course she only has girls.  Now she really thinks that this is caused by me.  Oh well.

I think that genetically men are more likely to turn their backs on their FOO than women.  I don't know, maybe they carry those thoughts in their other brain and we all know that  other brain is very persuasive!  The older they get the less most of them listen to that brain.  That gives us mothers hope.

Anyway, Lilly, I think your DIL will most likely have a rude awakening, especially if her oldest is a male, and maybe your son will finally understand what he did. 

[Lillycache]

Interesting SL.   I have pondered over the reasons men seem to be more likely to throw their FOO under the proverbial bus than women.    I do not think it genetic or inborn or due to the other brain doing the thinking.  I think it's society and religious based in a way.    If it were genetic, we must think about China and most eastern countries.  The male is the one who remains with his family while his wife leaves hers and joins his.  This is why most Chinese couples prefer to have boys.   

I believe that Western women have been made to feel they must compete with other females.  In addition, there is all that "leave and cleave" stuff in the Bible.  Which many have taken to extremes..  Of course a man should make his wife and children his priority.  I don't think any of us moms of boys expect otherwise from our sons.  However, many women take it to mean that their husband must TOTALLY leave his family and not see them... AND if that wasn't enough.. he should join her in hating them, because then that proves he truely loves her and is hers 100%   I don't know why many men agree to this, but they do.  Now this is not saying there aren't some truely horrible mothers of sons.. but ALL of us?  or MOST of us?  Come on....  there is more going on here and I don't believe for one second its all the fault of the MILs.   I have searched the internet looking of one single forum devoted to men hating their fathers in law to no avail.   It's definately a "woman" thing.. and it's sad.    I suppose we can take heart in the fact that those DILs giving birth to boys will someday very likely  experience this very same thing.. I wonder if they will remember what they did to their MILs..  and figure karma has once again evened the score.  lol!

[DixieDarling]

Just like the rest of you I can't figure out the why. What's in it for a woman to want her husband to disown his family to prove he loves her most? What is this, 1st grade? I'd never hurt someone I loved like that.

And there's many things in the bible about family and how to treat your parents. Leave and Cleave is given as an example of putting your spouse first. Not throwing your FOO in the trash.

About 2 years after my oldest son married I started hearing things like, "Mom she said you did or said"  I finally turned to my son and said (very firmly!!) STOP IT! You've been with me all your life. You DONT need your wife or anyone else for that matter to tell you who I am or what I meant by saying something. So STOP IT!

When your wife comes out with stuff you know darn well I'd never say or do then it's up to to stand up and say so. She would or should for her family too. If you let that stuff go on then it builds into a place of having to choose between her and us. I'd never want that for you.

I'm not sure to this day what he and his wife talked about but that stuff stopped.
My boys know I love them and we raised them to always put their family first. We don't expect or want that spot after they marry. But we will always be their parents. The two people in this world who will always be in their corner no matter what. They aren't stupid enough to throw that way.

Our youngest and newest DIL wants to do away with us I believe and has very little contact with us. That is hard on me because I want most of all for my son to be happy. And her behavior makes him sad.
But like it was pointed out to me here just the other day, I'm a very lucky/blessed Mother. Our son visits us once a week and sometimes more. If his wife doesn't want to come he said that's her choice. But he'd never consider not seeing us. Yes I am Blessed! I have 3 other sons and 2 other fantastic DILs who I adore.
When I stumbled upon this site I was so sad. My newest DILs behavior was eating me up. She was in my every thought and it was making me miserable.  In just the short time I've been here my entire state of mind has changed and I've found my smile again. I don't know how to show how grateful I am for Luise,Pen,Pooh,&SL to name a few.  But make no mistake ladies, you are helping real people like me everyday. Thank You!!!!

[jdtm]

I'd never hurt someone I loved like that.

Maybe that's the answer - the "love" for the husband is just not that deep.  Your statement certainly fits our ex-DIL and my SIL (divorced twice) - and both are very self-centered.

I don't know how to show how grateful I am for Luise,Pen,Pooh,&SL to name a few.  But make no mistake ladies, you are helping real people like me everyday. Thank You!!!!

I second that and Amen!

[MountainGirl]

I'm curious if any of you have ever talked to your DILs, or even DSs and DILs together, to ask what type of relationship they want to have with you?

JustPuzzled, there may be some family history on your DIL's paternal side that you know nothing about that's impacting how your DIL is behaving today. It's worth asking her and expressing your concerns to your DS.

It's always tough to balance both sides of the family in a relationship. The natural tendency seems to be to spend more time with the female's side, right or wrong. Spend more time with one side or the other, and one side always feels like they're missing out. An effort does need to be made to keep things balanced.

[luise.volta]

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[Pooh]

I'm curious if any of you have ever talked to your DILs, or even DSs and DILs together, to ask what type of relationship they want to have with you?

JustPuzzled, there may be some family history on your DIL's paternal side that you know nothing about that's impacting how your DIL is behaving today. It's worth asking her and expressing your concerns to your DS.

It's always tough to balance both sides of the family in a relationship. The natural tendency seems to be to spend more time with the female's side, right or wrong. Spend more time with one side or the other, and one side always feels like they're missing out. An effort does need to be made to keep things balanced.

I will answer this based on my situation.  We never had a conversation to ask exactly what type of relationship they wanted, but we had multiple conversations asking if we had done something wrong that we needed to do better or had we done something inadvertently to offend them.  The answer from DS was, "No, you haven't done anything."  No answer from DIL and she just huffed.

In my case, looking at DIL's family dynamics explains a lot.  She has a very, very demanding Mother and spends a lot of energy and time to please her.  It was like that while they were dating and she used to complain about it to me and so did DS.  Her Mother wants and expects everyone to do whatever she wants, and she's following in her footsteps.  I don't say that to be mean, that is just how her family dynamic works.

Personally, I didn't want or expect a balanced relationship.  I expected them to spend more time with her FOO as I had seen had their family worked.  I also have said this numerous times here.  I think it's perfectly normal for a female to be closer to her Mother.  My expectations were that we would see them some holidays or make arrangements that suited them better, that they and us would visit from time to time, an occasional call or text.  Nothing demanding, nothing extreme.  Just a relationship of some sort.  Not a complete cutoff of the entire family with no word as to why.

[Footloose]

Pooh, I could not have said it better and i so agree!  My expectations WERE the same!  Now i have NO EXPECTATIONS and it helps tremendously!!!!!


"I think it's perfectly normal for a female to be closer to her Mother.  My expectations were that we would see them some holidays or make arrangements that suited them better, that they and us would visit from time to time, an occasional call or text.  Nothing demanding, nothing extreme.  Just a relationship of some sort.  Not a complete cutoff of the entire family with no word as to why."

[luise.volta]

Our situations here are so varied. Years ago, my son married (and eventually divorced) a woman that hated me with a passion before we met. Talk about a stacked deck! I finally figured out that what was so terrible about me was that my son loved me before he ever met her. She declared war before she even took a look at how that had all turned out. My lesson there was that it didn't matter what I said or did...and...it didn't matter what my son said or did; our relationship virtually ended because he was in survival mode. My choice was to back off and virtually disappear. He didn't come to me about it, probably because it had nothing to do with me. After the fact, he shared what took him there (he was on the rebound) and what he learned (how to stand up for himself.) And...he thanked me for not making it any worse. For the last 18 years, his remarriage has been something that has brought all three of us joy. Sometimes, there's a 'happily ever after'!

[Pooh]

That's been my choice with OS as well Luise.  There wasn't anything I could say or not say that was making a difference, so I'll leave them to it.

[Footloose]

....and make that 3!  LOL!  Luise, I really believe my DS is also in survival mode with the whirlwind he has had in the past 6 yrs! 

"My lesson there was that it didn't matter what I said or did...and...it didn't matter what my son said or did; our relationship virtually ended because he was in survival mode. My choice was to back off and virtually disappear. He didn't come to me about it, probably because it had nothing to do with me."\

...this mom has also backed off and may be disappearing in DS life but that is OK so long as I remain in focus for the remainder of MY life....