Selfish child

[Annoyedone]

Sorry posted this in the wrong area previously.
Ok. I need advise about my step son.  He is almost 30.  He has a very good job, he makes a lot more than my husband.  We are still paying his and his two brothers college educations on top of our own expenses so our money is tight.  But his father goes hunting every year with his family, and it was hard scraping together the money to make that happen too but my stepson decided to go on the hunting trip.  His father paid for the gas on the way down and then when it was time to fill up again his father asked him to chip in and he said " why should I have to pay?"  And he didn't.  My husband was upset to say the least and not even so much because of the money but because his son has turned out to be such a selfish self centered person.  When he moved into his own place it was great to have his father move his stuff but he wasn't invited when he had a house warming party. Or when his girlfriend graduated the rest of his family was invited but not his father.  I'm really tired of him treating his father like crap.  His father has always gone out of his way to provide for his kids and he appreciates nothing.

[Stilllearning]

It does sound like your stepson is self centered....I was just wondering who else goes on the hunting trip?  Did your DH have others in the car and only ask your stepson to chip in or did everyone else chip in except him?  Were his two brothers there?  Did they help with the expenses? If they did help with the expenses were the details shared so that this son knew he was not paying his fair share?  Did your DH expect this son to pay because he has a "very good job"?  Sometimes the ones who look like they are doing the best are the most overextended.   

As for the moving/ house warming party and the graduation it could be that your stepson did not want to obligate you to a gift.  You did say that money was tight.

I hope that there were some extenuating circumstances.  If not then I would make it very clear to him that he could not go again without chipping in or maybe your DH could ride with him and ask him the same question.

[Pen]

Welcome, AO. As you can see, you're not alone. I'm sure you'll hear from others who've gone through what you're going through. It's a hard call - we don't want to lose contact w/our kids but it hurts to be taken advantage of. Some here on the site have gotten to a point where enough is enough, no matter what the consequences. Others decide to put up with poor treatment so they can maintain some semblance of a relationship.

Please take a moment to read the pink highlighted materials on the home page under Open Me First. Thanks!

Good to have you here.

[Annoyedone]

No.  The other family members were in other vehicles and they all chipped in for their respective "rides".  He was the only "child" that went.  He didn't expect his son to pay but that is always what they have done for the trip, everyone pitches in for expenses like gas and food.   He is definitely not over extended.   I know that for a fact.  He doesn't pay for anything ever if he can avoid it. 
We don't discuss our finances with him so he does not know our situation.  He is just a selfish, self centered twit and his attitude has really hurt my husband.  He has always gone out of his way to be there for his kids for what ever they needed and now he treats him like sh*t.

[jdtm]

He has always gone out of his way to be there for his kids

I think the key word here is "kids" - actually, we're talking about "adults".  And, I'm wondering if that is how your husband should approach the topic - "now that we're all adults here ...."   Anyway, just another point of view ...

[Sarah]

I would say, I think you and your husband have to let that incident go and just go forward.  How exactly do you and your husband want to change the relationship with your stepson?  Perhaps let him know upfront he does have financial obligations to a trip, as does everyone, and make sure your hubby spells it out with him and all others going.  Then there is no awkward conversation at a gas station. 
As far as the housewarming party, was it just friends of your stepson?  The graduation is different.  If other family members were invited and you and your husband purposely excluded then I think your husband needs to have a sit-down conversation with his son and let him know exactly how he feels in a calm manner.  Good luck.

[herbalescapes]

You are in an especially difficult situation because you are dealing with a step AC.  The financial commitment the two of have been making for SS impacts you, but it's DH who has the most sway in how to deal with the situation.  Is DH willing to stay on the financial tightrope in order to maintain his relationship with his son?  SS may have issues with your DH that go back to when his parents were together.  SS may have grown up hearing his mom badmouth his dad and that would have an impact.  Perhaps in SS eyes your DH has never been more than a child support check.  Or maybe SS equates his father's love with his father's money, so being asked to chip in is being told Dad doesn't love you anymore. 

I'm speculating here to make the point that the situation could be far more complicated than a selfish AC.  I don't have a solution for you, but I strongly urge you to discuss things with your DH on how to handle things and to be sensitive to your husbands having more than money on his mind in coming up with solutions. 

Good luck

[Annoyedone]

Your right about the bad mouthing.  The EW would air all their problems to the "kids".  But my husband was not an absent parent in any way shape or form.   The children spent huge amounts of time with us.  But yes when the EW wanted something from him and it wasn't forthcoming then she would tell the children he didn't love them.  That has no question really affected 2 of the 3 AC.  but I will point out that he never once missed a CS payment, and the children usually got everything they wanted, maybe that is another reason he is the way he is.  I don't know.

I did discuss with my husband last night and he had a talk with my SS.  He appeared somewhat receptive so we will have to see what happens going forward.  Thanks for all the advise.