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Started by ahotaling, November 29, 2013, 04:45:34 PM

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ahotaling

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for this forum. I just discovered it and think the group wisdom will be a support to me. I am just turning 56.. actually tomorrow! So many things have changed. I married at 19 to the only man I ever dated. He was 23. Off and on he was abusive. Emotionally distant and disconnected.. sometimes it was physical, though never extreme. Every time I pushed for more emotional intimacy in our marriage he would get very angry. He climbed up the corporate ladder. As our 3 daughters got older, we experianced many good times. We were able to travel to Europe, the Caribbean and to highlights here in the U.S. as a family. I cherish those memories. We shared a beautiful home, good friends, hobbies and our 3 beautiful girls. They grew up and got married and are really great, well rounded individuals. I thought that after the girls left, my husband and I would reconnect, that we would draw closer. The opposite happened, and the arguing and strain proved to be fatal to the remnants of our relationship. I separated for 8 months within the house. It simply did not work. I left and moved into an Inn about 45 min. away, thinking it was far enough to get space but close enough to work on our marriage. Nothing worked and we divorced. It became final 3 months ago. My girls are heartbroken. They are acting out in a very vocal and painful way for me. This is against everything we believe in personally and religiously, so I understand. I left because I was close to a breakdown. I have been to councelling and therapy for this and for things in my family of origin past. We can never escape our past. I didn't know that before, but I know now. It affected me in my marriage and I played my own role in the breakdown of it. The girls feel I was a good mother and they tell me that but they also acknowledge that I could have handled things better. I accept that. My ex however is using my past and my leaving as a cover for his behavior, which is, for lack of a better word, blatent. He covers up his contempt of me with the girls, but privately with me, is horrible. If he would acknowledge what I have been through and change his own pattern of behavior so I could be safe, I would be with him. That just isn't going to happen. He still lives in our house and plays the role of the injured party. My oldest daughter who I have always had problems with, is currently moving back in with my ex, with her husband and 2 boys. They are coming from CA. This is brutal on me emotionally. To go to my own home I feel I had to leave, and see my grandchildren there and be a stranger in my own home, is very tough. The boys are 3 and 6 yrs old. This is the 4th time my 6 yr. old grandson has moved in. This time I am not there. I have lost relationships with friends, my daughters are basically estranged,.. income is very precarious ... and a drastic lifestyle change.. No  one would ever do this unless there was a valid reason. I have tried to build a new support system, and I have to some degree. But how do I heal this inner devastation that I feel? How do I come to peace?

Thank you for listening.
A

luise.volta

Welcome - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts there. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

That's what we're here for...to listen to each other, to share our experience in a supportive way and the heal. For me, it took a long time to adjust and get my feet back under me, so I could move on. But/and I have and life is good. I had to feel the pain and then learn to let it go. Not easy, at least for most of us here. At times we have gotten stuck...but we help each other get unstuck. Hang in there and keep posting.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Welcome, Ahotaling. I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm glad you found your way here. You'll hear from others who have gone through similar trials to yours very soon, I'm sure. In the meantime, read through past posts. There's a lot of wisdom and comfort here. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

DixieDarling

I really have no advice that will help things but wanted to let you know I'm here, I care and will listen. ((HUGS))

Stilllearning

Wow!!  What an incredibly strong woman you are!  Most women would just put up with the abuse instead of striking out on their own.  It is no wonder that you are emotionally challenged by the road ahead but you need to remember that you are still teaching your children.  For years you taught them how to tie their shoes and make their beds but now......now you are teaching them how to not settle for less than they deserve!  I am sure that they are resistant to the lesson just like they did not like cleaning their rooms but make no mistake, they are learning

Right now you are on an uphill road but one day you will reach the top.  It is important that you keep your eyes on the goal, an independent life full of love and support.  Sometimes we forget to look back at where we have been and how far we have come and how much courage it has taken to get to where we are.   If we look back we see that we are not at the bottom of the hill but actually we are close to the summit. 

As for emotional support I think you have found the right place.  There is nothing like having a place where you can pour your heart out and know that people will understand.  Just venting your feelings can start the healing.  Take heart, we are here to listen and we all send hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pooh

Welcome.  It's so hard because no matter what, even AC want to think everything is perfect with their parents and if it's not, it's got to be "someone's" fault.  I think, and this is just my opinion, that many times that "someone" becomes the Mother because we tend to want to protect them.  We have protected them from seeing much of what was really going on and when it all comes to the end, we normally still are trying to protect them and not share details that we don't think they need to know.  On the other side, Dad doesn't mind sharing "his" side of the story and so we become the bad parent.

This is just what happened to me in my personal experience....but you know what?  I wouldn't change it.  Because I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best as a Mother and I did my best through their childhood and through the divorce to keep them out of it.  I wouldn't go back and do it any different because it was the right thing to do.  The right thing may not always bring out the best outcomes, but it doesn't make it any less right and in the end, I have to live with myself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

You have a lot going on here, so be patient with yourself and your DDs.  Keep in mind that even though you've been aware of the problems in your marriage from the get go, it's probably news to them.  No matter how horrible a spouse your ex was, he's still their dad, so they will have mixed feelings and loyalties.  I don't have solutions for you.  Good luck.  You'll find a lot of sympathy and support here.  Good luck.

luise.volta

My sons were 9 and 16 when I gave up. What I learned is that our well being wasn't a concern of theirs. They were kids...and self-absorbed. Whether we were happy or not didn't matter...we weren't to rock the boat. No, it wasn't formed like that in their minds, I'm sure...but that's what they demonstrated. We were there to serve and our visibility wasn't an accepted concept. Since I was the one that officially ended the marriage...whose fault was that?

Actually, I pretty much agree with their assumptions. We had a job to do. We signed on to parenthood. At age 20, we weren't mature enough to factor in being human and having to face limitations. I, for one, factored in 'happily ever after' and thought it was handled.

That was 50 years ago. I'm serious 50 years ago! Only my youngest is still alive. My eldest died of a sleep apnea induced stroke thirteen years ago before they knew how to treat that condition. And here's what happened; I have long since morphed from wicked to sainted. I'm neither.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Or we realize that we are little of both  :P
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

wisewomanalso

Happy Belated BDAY.  Your story is sad but  not uncommon and I commend you for having the courage to look for happiness in your life.  To me, that is the most important thing here.  You have given up your life to raise your children and it looks/sounds as if you did a great job.  You put your own happiness on hold by staying in the relationship and continuing to try. 

YOU CANNOT CHANGE how others feel.  It isn't your job and it isn't your responsibility - even with your own children.  I think as a mom we take this responsibility when they are born and we never let go of it.  But my advice to you is to let go.  Say to yourself everyday that you deserve to be happy and it is time to let your children grown and handle their own issues and their own feelings.

Of course they are going to be upset by the divorce - it will take time.  As for the grandchildren and the house, instead of looking at it in the current perspective, try thinking about it like this.  You really learn about someone when you live with them and this will be especially true of your daughter and her dad as grown ups (not like when she was a child).  This may be the opportunity to let the see how it really was living with this emotionally distant person. 

No matter what, it is not something you should dwell on.  Lots of things hurt us if we let them - but I do know that we have some control over that.  If you allow yourself to go to the negative side when you are alone with your thoughts, it will be hard to overcome.  But, everytime you think of something that upsets you - stop and then think about three positive things that opose that one negative thing.

Also - stay in counseling and maybe try to bring your girls in with you at some point.


luise.volta

W - Would you take a moment to share your specific experience with us? Then passing on your advice on a subject would be more meaningful. Otherwise, WWU isn't a fit. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

What a relief to find out that I am not the only one who is rubbed the wrong way.........
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

freespirit

Well, I think I know what I would do. Pack my bags and move to some place beautiful, where the sun shines, where  I see friendly people, and simply start a new chapter in my life. I would delve into my hobbies, whether it's golf or painting or writing; become a Miss Marple, plant roses galore in my garden, and breathe through again and again...till I get it.   :-)

If you try to see this as a new beginning, doors may just open for you.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne