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I'm afraid I'm losing my son

Started by Lauren, November 28, 2013, 09:41:43 PM

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luise.volta

I'm thinking about Pooh's wise comments about one-sided relationships. I don't think most of us can leave it at that. We stress over how we wish it were and how we can fix it...how it used to be or how we dreamed it would be. Deadly stuff!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

I can't help but think 10 days is a long visit;  and that twice a year. ;)

I know you said they live in another country, so it is probably difficult to do it differently. But maybe, changing the rhythm a bit would be good.

...Starting with not calling every Sunday morning. Call instead, sporadically, like maybe a Wednesday, and then don't call for 2-3 weeks. It's the regularity, which can get on some people's nerves.

As for the visits; what if you visited them just once a year?...And the money you have saved by not visiting twice, could be invested in an invitation to some special event; something that the grandchildren would enjoy as well.

It could be your personal token of appreciation, showing how you valued their hospitality over all those years. 
:)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

wisewomanalso

Kudos to Louise for having the knowledge and determination to create this site :).  I think I read that you are in your 80's and I can only say wow - cause I would be clueless as to where to begin.  I also believe in my heart that while it is your "dictatorship here" that your ultimate goal is to bring us all closer together.  With age comes wisdom for sure.  But,  age isn't what creates the wisdom it is experience and having lived longer to have more experiences :).  Some people have experiences at a younger age that need to be shared for us all to learn. 

I also believe that everyone here posts from their heart - all of us and especially Evergreen (I think couldn't remember and couldn't scroll back to find).  But, it is hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and that is where we all need to begin (in my humble opinion).  If we just fluff everything all day long we end up living in a rabbit hole and everything becomes curiouser and curiouser - LOL.

There are so many angles to this story.  First, we have the perspective of an elderly lady and the perspective of a thriving family.  10 days to someone who has raised their family and who is maybe retired and has a lot more free time is nothing compared to someone who has a young family , possibly a job, a household and a lot less free time.  Multiply that by 2 - that's 20 days- oh my.  I say this in honest sincerity - no one, not even my best friend could be tolerated for that much time.  It's just too much and also depending on your personality, too much of a burden.  Like for me, I like my private space - sometimes don't even want the hubby around.

Then, there is this idea that the kids are hiding from grandma.  I have three boys and quite honestly, they'd only come out of their room for nourishment and not even then if I'd bring it up to them :).  It's what they do at that age....not personal.

My advice to the OP would be to step back and take a deep breath and let a year go by without the visit.  The old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.  Your son will always love his mom, but right now, he just may be in a place of not being able to show it.  You are wiser and you are more experienced, be the hero and just let them have their time and come to you.  I think that if they make a small effort then you make a little bit bigger effort and then see what happens from there. 

Demanding your children to do anything will - just like we all know - push them to do the opposite :).

luise.volta

Hijacking this thread for a moment: W - I am closer to 90 than 80...I will be 87 in 3 months. My take is that age and experience don't necessarily bring wisdom. I have lived in a large retirement community for the last 13 years and have evidence to support that.  ;) Those who want to be comfortable usually come from 'knowing'. Not from 'this is my perception at this time.' Sharing where we are and where we have been along with where we are headed and/or would like to be go is not the same thing as guruism, (in my current perception.  :)) I do my best to I honor the fact that people post from their hearts...to quote you. What I don't publish is expressing that up close and personal, as criticism...or from the great distance of the self-appointed guru. The Web is full of opportunities to do both. Here, it is about caring and sharing in the venue of mutual respect. Lots of 'I' posts' as opposed to 'you' posts. That's not for everyone and that's OK. There are debate sites and bashing sites and sites that are belief-based. So be it. I have three wonderful moderators here who volunteer their time and compassion to keeping WWU what it was designed to be. We have countless testimonials here of healing. I often send them on to my son, who is or volunteer Webmaster in deep gratitude for his co-creating the site with me and maintaining it. Kudos to Kirk!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Quote from: DixieDarling on December 01, 2013, 11:18:47 AM
Sorry, I meant you CAN'T fix things until you know what's broken.

No truer words were ever spoken.  Unfortunately with the MIL/DIL situation it is often the case that things are left to fester and brew until they are unfixable as so much resentment has piled up it is impossible to dig through it.  In my own case, my DIL let me believe everything was fine and we were a family, and that she cared for me, while all the while hating my guts, for lack of a better word.   Eventually when she could no longer contain her dislike, I began picking up on clues and nuances.  Finally, the dam broke over a minor disagreement and she let me have it with both barrels and thensome.. with the most hateful accusations and vile words you could ever imagine.   Now there is no going back as I refuse to have her in MY life. It's really not fair to expect someone to be a mind reader and to know what is upsetting someone if they never let on. 

luise.volta

L - What a clear description of letting things fester...pretending and keeping score... and what it can cost in the long run!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Louise... let me also send you my appreciation for keeping this site a "healing" place.. and a place to come to to seek information, and prospectives from women that have walked in our shoes.   Anyone who has ever experienced the devastation of being shut out.. or maligned unfairly understands that the very last thing needed is to picked and poked at by someone who has NOT experienced it first hand.  No one wants to be lectured and told what they did wrong.  Most of us, deep down inside KNOW how we contributed to the situation, either knowingly or unknowingly.  I know that in my case, I didn't WANT to "fix" anything as I realized it could never be fixed.  I just wanted to vent and heal.  That is impossible to do if people keep picking at the scabs.   Everyone here has been instrumental in my healing.. because Louise makes sure to keep the nasty stuff off this site.  Everyone here is patient when I come back with a momentary relapse of grief.. and sees me through it.  Which is important.   I wouldn't be as far along in my happiness if it were not for the kindness here.  Thank you.

jdtm

QuoteLouise... let me also send you my appreciation for keeping this site a "healing" place.. and a place to come to to seek information, and prospectives from women that have walked in our shoes.   Anyone who has ever experienced the devastation of being shut out.. or maligned unfairly understands that the very last thing needed is to picked and poked at by someone who has NOT experienced it first hand.  No one wants to be lectured and told what they did wrong.  Most of us, deep down inside KNOW how we contributed to the situation, either knowingly or unknowingly.  I know that in my case, I didn't WANT to "fix" anything as I realized it could never be fixed.  I just wanted to vent and heal.  That is impossible to do if people keep picking at the scabs.   Everyone here has been instrumental in my healing.. because Louise makes sure to keep the nasty stuff off this site.  Everyone here is patient when I come back with a momentary relapse of grief.. and sees me through it.  Which is important.   I wouldn't be as far along in my happiness if it were not for the kindness here.  Thank you.

I so agree, Lillycache.  Thank you and Amen ....

Monroe

Somebody earlier on this thread mentioned the philosophy of separate His and Hers in-law relationships.  Other DILs (no one in particular - this is a general comment) have from time to time posted that they handle everything to do with their family, and their husband is to handle everything with his family - that he has no responsibility for a relationship with her parents, and she has no responsibility for any kind of relationship with her husband's family. 

I just wanted to share the flip side - what happens if each spouse makes a real effort towards the other's family.  It comes back to benefit EVERYBODY. 

Couple of examples - -

My DH and I are 60, have adult children and quite elderly parents (90's).  When my adult sons are in town, DH and sons like to do some "guy things" - - target shooting in the country, etc.  Last time they were in, my DH invited my dad to go along.  My dad loved the ride out to the country, and sitting watching the grandsons shoot hedge apples.  He loved the companionship with his grandsons, and having an outing that was otherwise impossible for him.  All made possible because my DH was thoughtful enough to include his FIL.  In doing so, my DH strengthened the bond between our sons and their GF, gained my father's appreciation, and MINE. 

My FIL is a widower, living in a retirement community.  They have a huge buffet for Thanksgiving.  We all go, have a great time, and my FIL appreciates our spending the day with him.   This year when we called for reservations at the retirement center buffet, they were ALL BOOKED UP!  My husband was upset - because at 99, it is simply too hard on my FIL to transport him to our home or to a restaurant.  WE could do it - but it would wear him out before he even got to the destination. 

So my DH was upset at the thought of his dad not having a traditional Thanksgiving with the family.  I said - "Hey, let's see if that little conference/meeting room is available.  Everybody else will be at the big buffet.  If we can reserve that little room, I'll cook a turkey dinner and we'll cater it in."  So we reserved the little room, I cooked my little feast, we re-warmed everything before we left home, wrapped the pans in towels, put them in cardboard boxes, and hauled everything (including my countertop oven and warming tray) out to the center.  My sons said the food was BETTER than the usual buffet.  Grandpa liked it, too - especially the "private dining room".  And I got huge brownie points with my husband.  We've already decided to do the same for Christmas.  They all thought it was more special than the big buffet. 

DH and I each made a small effort towards our FILs.  It cost us nothing.  But we each benefitted more than the FILs did.  I so appreciate my DH including my dad in the target shooting outing.  He is extremely grateful to me for a catered Thanksgiving meal for his dad.  (Please, nobody tell my DH how easy it is to roast a turkey). 

I am a bit saddened when I read that some DILs take a "they're your relatives, I don't need to do anything for them" attitude.  Those DILs may be missing out on an opportunity to gain their husbands'  appreciation and strengthen their marriages. 

Pooh

I hold the exact some philosophy as you Monroe.  I think it benefits my marriage and relationship to make the effort and the payoff if the entire family dynamics are benefited.  Even when I had the MIL from hades, nothing anyone could/would do would make her happy, it benefited the other family members for me to make the effort.

DH is the same.  He goes out of his way for my side of the family and although they do appreciate it, if they didn't, I still would.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Monroe

Pooh - That's why I want you for my sister-in-law!    :D  :-*  ;)  :D  :-*

luise.volta

M - She is your SIL because you are all my DILs!  It's no wonder I protect you all like a mother hen! ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Quote from: luise.volta on December 04, 2013, 09:31:49 AM
M - She is your SIL because you are all my DILs!  It's no wonder I protect you all like a mother hen! ;D

I can see that..  I believe many if not most of us found this place after having experienced the bedlam and hostility of other places.  I know I was told.. "Go check out WWU... That Louise ain't havin' any of that stuff"    Thank you Mother Hen.. and thanks to all my fellow chicks. 

Footloose

AMEN all u wonderful and wise women!  i married my husband AND his family and we are a better couple for sharing in the pleasure and sometimes pain of them all.  We are a team so why do it all alone?  I let him off any perceived hook and he returns the favor but we always pitch in, especially in those tougher moments.  Hugs sisters!

DixieDarling

I've told my DIL in the past that all they ever need to do is be upfront and honest. That doesn't mean you don't need to be polite. Just honest. Because to expect me to read their mind is setting everything up to fail. So I agree L.
About the (her family-his family) topic. I told my youngest just last weekend that when his little boy arrives HE will combine our families. Like it or not. His DNA will be made up from our family and her family. It's a silly subject in my mind. I have a suggestion, how about we all treat each other with kindness and compassion. There isn't many people who don't deserve at least that.