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Daughter-in-law purposely misses our holiday celebrations. What should I do?

Started by JustPuzzled, December 04, 2013, 09:02:31 PM

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DixieDarling

Women are raised now to not need anyone. They are strong,make good money etc. so maybe the need for family and all that comes with it is just not worth their time nor trouble?
Times have changed. Family is becoming a lost art.

Pooh

I've said this before, and this is just for my situation, but I think mine boils down very simply.  And I don't say this to be mean to DIL, it's just the truth about her upbringing.  DIL's parents treated her like a Princess and she pretty much got anything she wanted.  She was used to getting her way on everything.  I have personally witnessed many incidents while they were dating of this.  For example, her Dad and Brother would want to go eat at a certain place and that would be the plan until DIL stated she didn't want that, she wanted XXXXX.  Mom would tell Dad and Brother that they were going there because that's what DIL wanted.  It didn't matter what Dad and Brother wanted.  Their wishes were given no consideration with Mom unless DIL agreed to it.  I saw this many times.  Dad and Brother did whatever Mom told them they were going to do.  I actually used to feel very sorry for them.  Her Dad is a very nice man, but a quiet man.  This was the norm in their family and how their dynamic was.

When she was with us, we didn't operate that way.  Our family is very conscious of everyone's wishes. If there was 5 of us, and 4 wanted to go eat at a certain place and DIL didn't, we went with the majority rules.  Now, I wasn't mean, I would tell DIL that everyone else wanted to go here, so what if we swung through where she wanted to go and picked her up something.  There was no compromising.  She instead would get mad and huff up.  Well, that would go over like a ton of bricks because we didn't cater to her tantrums either.  We just basically ignored them.  She wasn't used to that.  She was used to a Mother that would have fawned over her and made everything better by giving in to her. 

I can tell you this happened over and over again.  Now, there were times we would do what she wanted to do, to make it fair.  So if I am honest with myself, I have to admit, if you were raised where everything was always your way and then you walked into a family where you weren't treated special and you didn't get your way all the time, who would you want to be around?  She is still treated that way by her Mother and family, so there is absolutely no incentive to come around my side.

As far as DS.  It's simple.  He loves her.  I can sit back all day long and never understand why, but it doesn't matter what I think.  He loves her.  He wants to be with her and make her happy and to do that, he's gave up his family to please her.  Is it to please her or to keep the peace?  Either, both...who knows.  But it is truly his decision to make and not mine.  Or maybe he agrees with her.  Maybe he thinks our family dynamics are not right and hers is.  I could second guess that all day but in the end it boils down to he loves her.   It wasn't how I thought things would be, but it is how it is. 

Sometimes I think we are trying so hard to understand the "whys" that we forget that it can be very simple and boils down to love.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

Quote from: DixieDarling on December 12, 2013, 05:48:08 AM
Women are raised now to not need anyone. They are strong,make good money etc. so maybe the need for family and all that comes with it is just not worth their time nor trouble?
Times have changed. Family is becoming a lost art.


Times may have changed... but thousands and thousands of years of hardwiring don't change quite so easily.  I think people react to things in certain ways because of this.  Perhaps it's instinct, but there are feelings and emotions that many of us are hard pressed to find rationale for. 

Lillycache

My DIL was not the "Princess" as far as I can tell.  She has three sisters.  No brothers.  BUT she comes from a very matriarchal family.  The ladies RULE... call the shots... make the decisions and get their way.  At family functions,  the males, her father and uncles and now my son sit together quietly and watch TV and basically keep their mouths shut and stay out of the way.   

Monroe

Quote from: Pooh on December 12, 2013, 07:08:00 AM


Sometimes I think we are trying so hard to understand the "whys" that we forget that it can be very simple and boils down to love.


Or sex!  ;) :D ;)

Tee hee

Footloose


Lillycache

yeah...  I used to think it was all about sex and about that being used to control.. BUT times have changed in that aspect too.  Not many women today think they need to be married to indulge.   Men have plenty of opportunites for that without the hassle.    In my son's case.. I'm pretty sure it's about the kids.   

DixieDarling

Pooh, Where my youngest son is concerned you are completely right. That young man loves his wife deeply and that right there is why I am going to try and handle what ever comes. It is still up in the air if I can succeed.
At times he even glows. His wedding day is the happiest I do believe I had ever seen him. And I love him so much that it makes me happy when he's happy. (If that makes sense?)
When they told us they're were expecting it melted my heart to see the pure love and joy on my son's blushing face.
He was raised in a all male household except for me and he saw his father stand by me and protect and honor me. He is repeating this with his wife. I am so proud of him!!
I'm sad about his wife not wanting us as family much but our son says he will always be here for us and see us weekly. He thinks we will see his son also. Time will tell.
But yes Pooh, Love is the key here and as moms we all want true love and happiness for our children I believe.
Our youngest DIL is an only child and only grandchild in her family. No cousins. So it would stand to reason this young lady has never wanted anything that she did not get. When it comes to doing stuff the way she wants she gets her way. But as far as behaving spoiled and wasteful I haven't seen it. Maybe it's because she comes from a family with plenty of money? But she doesn't spend a lot. Actually like my son she seems very tight with money. LOL 


Lillycache

I liked my DIL right away.  She was sweet, funny, polite and I enjoyed her.  I also always felt she was a good mother and even without a lot of money, the kids had lot's of everything.  She is VERY good with money and bargain hunting and stretching a dollar so the kids don't miss out on anything.   I think because I liked and respected her so much, that it was a horrible feeling to find out after 10 years, how she really felt about me and to hear all the horrible nasty things she had to say to me.   I was sort of getting the hint for about a year before that, but I kept asking my son if something was wrong, and kept getting that "nothing"  and "its not you it's me" answers when I wanted to know if something was bothering her.  I guess I should have asked her but I think I would have gotten the same.   It really hurts when you find out someone you care about and you think cares about your REALLY hates your guts.   Wow..   How could I ever re-establish any relationship or trust with her? 

Pooh

Sad thing is, we can't make them like us.  My DIL does have some good qualities.  She worked hard in school and landed a great job.  She can be really sweet, when she wants to be.  She's smart and I know she loves her family.  I'm sure she is good Mother.  I have no doubts that she loves GD with all her being and is taking really good care of her.

I'm sure DS sees all of those good qualities in her.  I am comforted to know that I'm sure their lives are going well.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

DixieDarling

Lilly, I'm so sorry you went through that. I would of been floored also. You sound like someone who wants to see the good in others and that is a great thing. IMO
So sad your DIL didn't want to talk things out instead of letting them build up.
Pooh , your DIL sounds like a strong woman and smart. She should make the effort for her daughter. IMO
I wouldn't want any of my DILs to be like me. Heaven forbid. I only want like everyone to keep being family. I am so thankful I have that mostly.

luise.volta

There's no doubt that we are all motivated to some degree by unconscious conditioning. My take is the best I can do if try to be present as much as possible and to look closely at my reactions and opinions. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama