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Feel left out

Started by Debbie, November 28, 2013, 04:37:11 PM

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Debbie

Well, from all of you, I have a supply of tactics I'm going to try - if I don't chicken out!

In talking about this with all of you, I realize that the real problem is mostly with my Mother-in-Law, Sister-in-Law (hubby's sister), Brother-in-Law, and me.  And then I carry that across to a few of the others.  My niece is 19, and although we were close once, I think she's of the age now that she feels 60 is just boring - I can understand that and I'll try to keep it in mind.  My husband and daughters fade off of me too when we're all together.  I see my Cousin-in-law chatting merrily with her adult son and daughter.  And my sister-in-law & brother-in-law have conversations with their adult daughter and step-daughters during these events.  Should I think my kids & husband are bored by me?  Embarrassed by me?  My mother-in-law speaks with me if I keep the conversation going, but as soon as her daughter comes into the room, she's done.  I can be in the middle of a sentence but she'll turn her attention immediately to my SIL. 

Anyway, that's enough gripping.  I'm going to:

1.  "Interview people," and know it won't always be fun, as Louise.Volta & lilycache suggested.

2.   "Laugh heartily at other people's jokes, maybe just agree, with a smile and a nod, and relate to what they are saying, by telling a similar story,"  as FreeSpirit has suggested.

3.  Remember what Ruth said and accept that there are people in the world who are good at talking about themselves but not good at talking about others' interests.

4.  Consolidate what DixieDarling & Hairstylist said and know that I'm somewhat different than the kernel of Hubby's family (I like to try new foods, wear a broader spectrum of clothes, travel on less-conventional paths, etc., than his family). And so there are fewer common topics to discuss.

5.  Herbalescapes, I'll try to wrap my mind around the idea that my inlaws aren't direct questioners, but I could respond to an indirect statement if it were offered up.  It just isn't offered.  My hubby would never accept not gathering with his family during these holidays, so finding something else to do isn't an option.  So, I'll try to stay aware that making these gatherings work for me is up to me.

6.  I'll work at remembering to enlist my husband's help, per Pooh's suggestion.  I've discussed this with him in the past, and he's made some effort.  But then the next time, I will have forgotten about asking him for help in including me and it gets tough again.

7.  And as Lilycache has advised, I'll try to be more proactive in inserting myself into conversations.  This is a little scary because I've tried this before and felt ignored, but maybe I just didn't stick with it long enough for the other people to get used to me being part of the conversation.

8.  And I'll try to bring more love to the situation as jdtm does.  I've been experiencing hurt, tears, and anger but if I can turn my way of thinking around it will probably be better for me.  This will take a lot of strength on my part, though. 

9.  Lastly, Freespirit's thoughts on her DIL's stepmother hit home.  I'm good at one-on-one conversations, have a sense of humor, and like exchanging ideas and information.  But I'm not good with large groups and boisterous gatherings.   I'm just going to acknowledge that.  Likewise, I'm going to acknowledge that I do get caught up in hurt from feeling left out of things and then I tune out after a while.  And.... a glass of wine will certainly help grease the skids!

freespirit

Hi Debbie!

Wow, this is a fantastic plan.

I did something similiar, when I didn't know how to deal with my son anymore.  I took a little from everyone's suggestions, and it really helped.

Cheers!  ;)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Pooh

That sounds like an excellent plan.  I also want to point in the direction of your last statement.  That you acknowledge you're not the best in big groups.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Many people are that way but it could be that your body language is saying "back off" without you knowing it.  My face and body language give everything away.  My hubby always says he can tell what I'm thinking without me ever saying a word.  I have had to consciously make an effort to take a more relaxed posture and watch my facial expressions in work meetings even!  Someone could be saying something and I was putting off this vibe of "Really??  You just suggested something so stupid?"  :)

We are works in progress and you may be unintentionally putting out that vibe as well.  Just something to keep in mind because I have to "tell" myself that constantly and make myself aware of it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Footloose

Welcome, Debbie!  Wow!  Congrats on making such an effective plan to change your behavior instead of trying to change theirs!  My FOO is big and noisy too so to my DIL, this was very different from her very small and quiet FOO. 

My sisters and mom always got the opinion that she did not like them because of the body language and facial expressions.  To my FOO, it looked like DIL did not like them.  She has said it plainly that she will not be around "those pple"....To My DIL, she felt just like you and she has said that many times. His family ignores her and the children but she ignores the FOO and does not bring the kids around so his FOO simply do not know them well.

They never gave it time to get to know each other to see that they could have been friends.  These poor first impressions followed thru the brief time the DIL agreed to include his FOO.  Only 3 months and she and him left us ALL behind....

So sad! 

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Lillycache

Good for you Debbie....  OR you could take the advise many people give while facing an audience.  Just sit there and picture them all in their underwear..  lol!!!   just kidding... 

DixieDarling


frances

One Christmas a had a bad car wreck so I was in a wheelchair went to my inlaws they put me in a corner and the entire day only one person spoke with me. After that I made sure I was working for the next 4 yrs and did not see them at all. I went this thanksgiving to in laws house for the first time in years. When I first got there I was playing with her dog and he jumped out of my hands and hurt himself. Every person that walked through the door my mother in law told them how I hurt her dog. I am done never again will I go to there house and I will never invite them to mine. And to top if off my husband even blamed me for hurting her dog and did not stand up for me.

Pooh

Oooh.  I would be very upset with him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

I am so sorry, F.. A good friend of mine was taking care of her sister's dog when he was a pup. He jumped out of her arms. The fall broke his leg and it was some kind of fracture that required costly surgery. She paid what she could toward it and the sister seemed to understand. Not so. She was never forgiven. Not really. The whole incident says more about their relationship than anything else from my friend's point of view.

I go with Pooh...that DH not being there for you is what needs to be addressed. Supposedly you mean more to him than anyone else on the planet, right?

I also think some of us (I'm one) are more thin-skinned than others. I wouldn't have been able to handle being stuck in a wheelchair and ignored...nor would I have been able to push myself into the middle of such obvious rejection. It seems to me they are making themselves very clear...and you deserve better. Not going anymore makes sense to me. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

Good grief Frances, who needs enemies with a family like that. Good for you for steering clear of them. As far as you DH goes,...that makes me rather speachless.  :o...hope now, 4 years later,...he is more supportive.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne