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It's a trap: Navigating the holiday minefield w/DS

Started by fantine, November 01, 2013, 05:35:16 am

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wisewomanalso

November 19, 2013, 08:52:18 am #15 Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 10:00:19 am by luise.volta
It's too bad your son is behaving in this manner.  Is this something that has been going on for a while?  18 year old boys can be difficult.  I have three sons and the first one was a great kid but about the time he went to college he and I just seemed to have tension between us.  We have always been close and so I just accepted that this was part of him growing up.  I later felt that it had a lot to do with the responsibilities ahead of him.  He was struggling as a young man to know what he wanted out of life and how he wanted to get where he wanted to go. 

I learned that I had to apologize to him  (even though I never, ever meant to say or do anything to upset him).  I also learned that I had to listen to him in a different way and respect that he was growing up and again, step back and accept that we wouldn't always agree but that I had to let him do things his way.

Even as recently as last Thanksgiving, he came home with all of the other family that always come to our house for this Holiday.  He was really awful turd to me.  I still love him and always will but he and I had a one on one pow wow in the front yard, away from the guests.  I explained that I wouldn't be spoken to in that manner ever, and he would need to come to grips with it. 

Again, he is the most amazing child but a bit stubborn.  He was going through something and while I was willing to step back and do whatever I could to let him, I wasn't letting him treat me in that manner. 

I still bought him gifts and enjoyed his visit at Christmas.  I will always welcome him into my home (as long as he his respectful).

That's my advice to you.  He is your son - let him know that you will always love him and he is always welcome but that he will be held to the basic standard of respect.

You would love for him to come and stay with you and visit as long as he can show you the respect you deserve as his mother. 

Then the ball is in his court.  And quite honestly, I'd still send him a gift/gesture/card...and even if he doesn't come, I'd still invite him for the next holiday and the next.  Remember, he's really very young.  He has a lot of years ahead of him to screw up.  It is still your job to help him grow into a responsible adult.  No, you don't allow him to treat you badly, but I think it is far too early to waive your hands of him.

I hope it turns out well - please keep us posted.

luise.volta

November 19, 2013, 10:14:59 am #16 Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 10:22:38 am by luise.volta
We all have our own 'take' on these posts. We don't know what is right for another but we share our experience. It's never advice...just feedback. What I am learning is that we are each the way we are. Others can't change us and we can't change them. I have spent way too much time and energy on not liking that fact, wishing it weren't true and trying to change it. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Welcome wisewomanalso.  I certainly hope you will get comfortable enough to share some of the story of what has brought you here.  We have many on here that have shared their personal experiences and feel comfortable with others giving them suggestions because of the kinship that is felt here knowing you are not alone. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell