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I need to talk it out.....

Started by Stilllearning, November 14, 2013, 07:02:47 am

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Sorry folks but a little background first....

My son married his on again off again girlfriend, the first and only girlfriend he has had.  I made the HUGE mistake of telling him he could do better during the off phase and I am sure that he has told her that I said that.  I still believe it but I digress.  I tried to make up for my mistakes, apologize and get beyond it and when I asked what I could do to make it better she said I if I bought her a wedding ring set she would feel like I wanted her in the family.  Buying love is just not my style at all, ever so..... Long story short is that I don't like her and she does not like me.

We went through all of the angst of the wedding and yes we did host the rehearsal dinner and put on happy faces for the day.  It was all very difficult for us.

For two years we have not gotten a gift or a call or a card for any occasion although we have sent them gifts for their birthdays and Christmas.  We had not gotten any acknowledgement for anything until I sent an email telling them that when they did not let me know they had gotten something I felt like they did not want a present.  I made it clear that an email would do as would a phone call.  Thank you notes were not needed.   I accepted the fact that my DS had chosen a life that would not include his FOO.  Then they got pregnant.

Now they have a baby and it is making my son want to reconnect with us.  He is putting pressure on her to invite us over and it shows.  Every time I see her she remarks on everything her FOO buys her and I congratulate her.  I got an invitation to a baby shower that I avoided because only her family and friends would be there and she has told them all horrible stories about me.  I did get a thank you note for the gift I sent though. 

If it were up to me I would never see her again.  That attitude is hurting my DS though.  I would love to hear ideas on how to adjust my attitude so that my emotions would stop knotting up every time I see her.   How does a really wise woman handle having to deal with a DIL that they really dislike?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


I don't "handle" mine, so don't listen to me! :)

Or maybe I "handle" her by "not handling" her.  :)  I'm no help.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I don't drink but....chug a bloody mary before you go...and bring a bottle of something with you...just in case. :P
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


Great idea Freespirit but I don't think a bloody mary will work.  Tequilla might though.......LOL

For now I am thinking about writing in my palm "SMHH" so I can look at it and remind myself "She makes him happy".  He does seem to be happy.......

Wonder what would happen if I kissed my DH every time I looked at my hand?  That would really set the tongues waggin'!!  Could be fun, and he almost always makes me happy!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Actually I think  that sounds like a great idea. It takes the focus off the young couple. Might even make them jealous. haha
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


Your dil sounds young and a bit spoiled.  I agree with you about not buying her love or anyone's love and I also think that you are right to expect at least an acknowledgement for the gifts you buy.

So what to do...well, I can only say how I feel but I think that there are a couple of ways to handle this in your own brain to avoid being hurt.  She's unlikely to change and I just wonder if she has a ton of other things that bother you or if it is mostly her selfishness? 

It looks as if they are trying to include you. The shower invite, having you over etc.  It may seem strained but at least an effort shows that you matter to them.  I also think that the thank you card was a way to acknowledge what you've already said to them.  Trust me, it takes courage to take advice and actually attempt change.  She did that and so I feel you owe her credit for this.

Her behavior about telling you all the things her family buys - well, I think there in lies the reasoning behind why she behaves so spoiled.  I believe you have to accept this is not your issue but hers and just turn your ear away from her.  She can only get to you if you let her.  As she gets older maybe she'll see that in life it is not the "things" that are important.

Really, this is more a need for you to just come to terms with how she is and not let her behavior change who you are or how you are willing to live your life. 

People that are spoiled or don't acknowledge gifts etc, in my opinion, should not be given gifts.  A gift is just that and an expectation of a gift is ridiculous.  Just keep doing what you know is right and don't let her doubt yourself. 


people who do not acknowledge gifts should not be given gifts.  agree, but what happens with christmas?  we have always had lots of gifts at christmas and i want my grands to have the enjoyment and excitment of coming to grandma's and seeing a packed tree.
but, dont want to give to dil and ds.  they have left us out - never call, never email.  just ignore and i miss this relationship.  i want to see them at the holiday, but don't want to give them any gifts.  thinking of just gifting the kids.


Getting O&C, I'm just curious about something.
Have you told your son what you said above? Not about not buying for him and his wife but about the coming to Grandmothers & seeing a room full of good things for them? Just seems like the parents would want that for their children also. Leave issues at the door and spend a few hours on nothing but the children's memories.
Around here Christmas is for children. We don't buy for adults. They get a card with cash. The children get to rip paper from Unvles,aunts and us.
If you have talked to them what did they say?