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now there is a crack.....how should I react?

Started by Stilllearning, August 12, 2013, 05:01:43 AM

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luise.volta

Lets see..."The Path to Heaven is Paved with Bad intentions?" Naw...that's not quite right...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Quote from: Stilllearning on August 12, 2013, 06:00:02 PM
Personally I think it is always better for the mother of the new mother to visit first and for as long as she feels needed.  New Moms have so many questions and so many challenges and so many physical changes and they need someone they trust and feel completely comfortable with to ask.  I just hope the others in her family and my DS do not take this as reluctance to accept the new addition.  If they do then the tongues will wag.....yet again.  Oh well, what was that saying about the path to.....where was that???

I don't know..... but it's paved with good intentions.

Stilllearning

Yes!  That is it!!  The question is ....Am I laying another paving stone or not???
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

elsieshaye

I'm terrible at reading people's minds and predicting how they will react to what I do and say, and find that I stress myself out trying to pre-emptively act in such a way as to draw no fire.  Because, I have no control over that, and in trying to carefully gauge my behavior to avoid a bad outcome, I'm bending myself into a pretzel for no good reason.  All you can do is act in good faith and "err on the side of kindness", as Scoop said.  How other people react is their business, and not your problem.  Be as positive and pleasant as you can, do what's comfortable for you, and know you did your best with what exists.  If she wants to build a bridge or a moat with the materials you provide just by being you, that's up to her.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

Quote from: elsieshaye on August 13, 2013, 02:21:00 PM
If she wants to build a bridge or a moat with the materials you provide just by being you, that's up to her.

^^^^^This! Love!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Stilllearning

Well I put on my clown suit and pasted a smile on and visited again yesterday.  Fortunately her FOO was not there while we visited.  It made me feel less on edge.  Her mother is really quite nice but....well, it does not extend any further into the family tree.  We took an artificial flower arrangement because it needs no attention and they will both have their hands full.  It actually went very well and I am starting to be hopeful that we might have some sort of a relationship.  Time will tell and trust me.....those chickens have definitely not hatched.  I still may end up with rotten eggs.....

Thanks for all the input and well wishes!  You wonderful ladies have been my life savers and my DH would kiss each one of you if he could!  He has noticed the change in me and his relief is palpable.  I would not have been able to do this six months ago......Thank you again!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

SL - I sent a copy of your last post of my son, Kirk, who is out Webmaster. He designed our site and maintains it, pro bono. :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

Well. I would kiss Kirk!!  I will trust you to kiss him for me!  Thank you both!!!! ;D
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

herbalescapes

Sounds like things are getting off to a good start.  Good luck with keeping things moving in that direction. 

I caution to avoid jumping to conclusions concerning motivations and the like.  Maybe DILs request on FB was part of a sinister plan, maybe it wasn't.  Maybe DS's closing of his acct was related to you, maybe it wasn't.  Maybe DIL's reference to DS not following through on emailing pics was a veiled threat of some kind, maybe it wasn't.  Had you shown up at the hospital and DIL"s FOO were there and they cold-shouldered you, maybe it would have been because they think you ride a broom or maybe it would have that they were really focused on the baby or other family matters that you don't know about. 

It's a tough situation.  I can sympathize that you don't want to get too close to GC because of fear of being cut off in the future.  Many on this site have experienced that.  We'd understand if you decided to keep your distance. However, if a GP decides to keep their distance, they can't then complain that they are kept out of their GC's life.  I'm glad you accepted DILs fb invite.  This puts you in the driver's seat to some extent.  You can view the photos she posts when you want and you don't have to look at anything else on her page.  Could DH use your fb acct to preview the photos so you don't have to see too many of DIL's FOO with the GC? 

I'm sure we're all hoping the positive trend continues for you. 

Love Me Love Me Not

I stopped reacting to cracks years ago, because i have been repeatedly used and manipulated. If this was a situation involving me, I would thank them for the invitation and suggest that another time might be better for them. There is a great deal of emotion around the birth of a baby. I would not hope for much permanent change. Once they discover that they can take care of the baby without help, they are likely to go back to the same old treatment. I wish I could offer more positive remarks, but without any honest communication and remorse for how they have treated you, I can't see any change in your future. And the baby must receive consideration. The child will absorb all of the animosity in the family. I doubt that you want that for your grandchild. I completely understand how you feel. You cannot change them, nor can a newborn baby. You can change how you react to them, however, and refuse to ride the roller coaster of heartbreak and hope. I know this for sure. Riding this roller coaster of emotion is more painful than simply letting go and moving on with your life. I encourage you to get busy with something you love or do whatever you can to keep busy and distracted. The only time that I would react is if it is clear that there is an emergency.