How to rock the boat, without sinking it?!

[Stilllearning]

My Dad used a belt and my Mom used a hairbrush but they only did it when I had done something wrong and never in a fit of rage.  I do not hold it against them.  They were raising 5 children and if you lost control things spiraled quickly.  When I got older (over say 7) they would sometimes offer a longer drawn out penance but I always opted for the licks.  Lets get it over with.  By the time I was a teenager all it took was the fact that I had disappointed them and I punished myself mentally for my wrong.  I loved them deeply until the day they died.

[luise.volta]

Oh, I forgot all about my mother's hairbrush! Selective memory!

[Pooh]

My Mom was the "spanker" and Dad would pretend I didn't do anything and wait for her to get me

Mom's choice was a switch!  Owwwie.  I don't hold it against her either.  I learned quickly to behave...well, for the most part and I deserved every one I got.  I was a mean little thing.  Didn't affect me as an adult or cause me psychological damage of any sort. 

I spanked both of my children when they were younger...spanked....not beat.  It didn't take many of them and then I didn't have to any longer because they knew I would and if I said it, I meant it.  Then it became groundings and taking "things" from them.

Here's my thing about spanking or anything when it comes to children.  I think as long as it doesn't cross into abuse, every parent has to decide how to discipline.  My opinion is extreme yelling is abuse as well, if it is non-productive.  I had a friend who used to yell at her kids, "Are you stupid?  I said not to do that!"  I hated it and would have to walk off, so abuse comes in many forms, IMO.

My problem is with parents who don't discipline at all!

[freespirit]

Getting a spanking or getting whipped by a belt are two different things.

I got a spanking once in my childhood.  But I haven't forgotten it to this day. So, I guess  it was a shock for me. And when I think back why I got it, it was ridiculous, uncalled for, and an easy way out for my mother. Of course I always loved my mother. That  never stopped.  Just like a dog is loyal to his master, no matter how it's treated. ...just sayin'....

If a parent takes the time and explains to the child in all seriousness why  there are rules;  that usually works. A child senses  respect, and usually doesn't want to disappoint  the parent.

I'm not saying I'm holier than though. My sons were wild and lively, like most boys. I was often at the end of my nerves, and I understand when a parent is tired frustrated and simply at his or her wits end. But I do believe some parents take to the belt as an "easy" way out.,  and that just shouldn't happen. And I agree,  Pooh, yelling at the kids like your friend did is as abusive.

I for one am glad  and relieved to say that my children can never throw any domestic brutality in my face, as an excuse for their behavior today. Whatever; - spanking, whipping, hitting ,....if you have done it or not; I don't think it has anything to do with having problems later on in life with the adult children. I really think it's  the adult child's personality.

[Stilllearning]

Yeah, after all we are just preparing our kids for life and everybody knows if you mess up in life you get a time out.  Of course you never know who your cell mates may be......

[wisewomanalso]

I am surprised about how many people in just the more recent days that I've learned spank their kids with a belt.  Good people.  But, I go on record saying I am against it and feel that there are much better methods that work.

Respect is earned and adults earn it from their children by expecting it and showing how to give and receive it.  I truly found with all three of my boys that they were more disappointed than I was when they did something they later knew was wrong.  Not saying they were perfect, but they appreciated when I would take the time to talk with them about ways to fix a problem or stop something from happening a second time. 

Making excuses for your children is what I think is the biggest mistake we make and also, not spending enough quality time with them.

Just my opinion. 

to the OP - I am so happy to hear that you are taking this all into consideration.  Yes, yelling is a form of abuse.  Maybe your dill does have a mental imbalance or is going through some hormonal changes or just stressed.  It is hard to say - but...to come between a mom and her children is catastrophic in any relationship where the mom truly cares about her kids. 

Right now, you are the teacher of other ways to speak to children.  Let your grandkids learn from you and I'll bet they'll know as they get older that not everyone has to go off the deep end to get their point across.

[Stilllearning]

So wisewomanalso......what is your story?  What brought you to our site?

[wisewomanalso]

So, I'm a mom of three children (two are grown), I'm a daughterinlaw, a wife of 25 years to the same person and soon to be a mother in law.  My own parents are both deceased.  I am close with my sister and her extended family.   Other than that, we have a fairly small family.

I came to similar sights like this about five years or less ago because I was at my wits end with my inlaws.  I always got along really well with my sister in law and father in law and okay with my mother in law.  Some of the other family members were so nice and we interacting so well, I would classify them as just family.  It's tough to be in our situation (on both sides).  I had to resolve my own issues after years and years of struggles.  The struggles could have cost me my marriage which is really sad since ultimately a husband and wife should be the center of the family unit.

It was advice from wise women that helped me and now I think I'm addicted.  Some people read novels, some people play tennis - I just use my free time (among other things) to give my own experiences and advice.