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Started by willingtohelp, May 22, 2010, 09:51:50 pm

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Yuck! Time to say, "This conversation has become inappropriate on your end so I am disconnecting on mine."  :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


May 26, 2010, 04:17:33 am #16 Last Edit: May 26, 2010, 05:21:49 am by cremebrulee
Quote from: clover on May 25, 2010, 02:30:43 pm
The sex life question...I had been away for a few weeks for work.  I got home early, and the day after I arrived, my MIL called.  She was surprised to hear me answer so I explained that something was cancelled so I came home early.  She replied that I also missed DH, and I said it was never fun to be away from him.  She said, Well, I bet you're having lots of fun now, huh?  And I said that we had gone to a movie and were planning to go hiking in a  bit.  To which she replied, "that's not the type of fun I was talking about"  The tone said everything and it was just eww.  I just handed the phone to DH.

Hi Clover...

So my take from this is, that you didn't let her know you were uncomfortable with that kind of talk?

I would go ewwww myself...however, there are some people that are neither offended by talk like this, and it seems like your mil is not.  It is actually quite a part of they're conversations, joking around like this, etc.  Doesn't make it right, however, there are probably some DIL's who would not be offended by this...apparently, this is how your MIL views life...and didn't mean anything offensive by it...she probably talks like this with everyone....I'm guessing of course...

Next time she says something like this to you...what I would do is say...Geeze, I apologize and mean no offense, but I've got to let you know, I'm very embarrassed as, that subject is limited to my husband and myself, it is a very personal ma

Just because he is your husband, doesn't give her an automatic go free card with that kind of talk...it does and would offend a lot of people...including me...I would just let her know in a very nice way, that this kind of talk is offensive. 

Again, I suggest in the most caring of ways, this problem is a lack of communication on your part.  We were raised to believe that parents should be respected....however, you are now an adult and have every right to expect her to respect your wishes about certain topics....don't worry about her being offended...she will get over it...but if there is a certain topic you wish not to engage in, you've got to let people know that...stand up for your personal values...there is nothing wrong with doing so...and in that way, MIL might learn that if she wants to be friends, there are certain boundaries she must consider, that being one of them?

What do you think about it?  Are you afraid to let her know you are offended by that type of conversation...? 

We as human beings want so to be accepted that a lot of times, we compromise our own personal values, which is our identity, who we are...and when we let things like this go...the other person simply assumes it's ok, when it's not....it offended you, embarrassed you...hurt you...you are not used to being talked to like that...

This is an example....It's like if your out in public or at a party and someone starts to tell an off color joke, instead of standing there and listening, and then pretending to laugh, b/c everyone else is, just quietly walk away....that is your right...and we all need to stand up for what we believe in...don't ever compromise your identity to be accepted or to get along...let people know who you are...if they are offended, that is they're problem.

Here is another example...
I am a loner...always have been, ever since a child...
So at work, all my life, I've always gone off by myself, at breaks and during lunches...I don't like company politics or getting involved in them....so, I meet this wonderful woman who becomes a very close friend of mine...and she tells me that when I go off by myself, it sends a message to others, that I feel I'm to good to be with them...not true...in the least...I just like to spend my break time, not thinking or talking about work...and most people don't do that...however, my friend told me, that is they're problem, not mine...but I won't go to lunch with them to simply prove they're assumptions are wrong....and there are other reasons why I don't go, which I won't get into...like loosing my parking place, etc....which I've explained to my co-workers since then...which was a long time ago, however, they now know me very well...but they saw my actions as being anti-social which translated to them, that I thought I was to good for them? 

what I'm trying to explain is, that some people like your mil, cannot see past they're own assumptions and perceptions....and it's ok to let people know they're wrong, or you don't feel that way....I learned this from counseling and reading up on this, b/c when I was young, I was just like you...I didn't want to ruffle any feathers....and in doing so, I made myself a victim....and I'm not saying you are....just guessing that perhaps some of this advice might help you through a few issues....

Speaking up for oneself is not disrespectful, if anything, it lets people know who you are...and what your beliefs are, and it also gives them a reality check that everyone else doesn't think and feel like they do...

is it really worth being offended or saying something...you have to ask yourself are you offended easily.... and simply over look what she said....think nothing of it and assume, this is simply the way this woman is...? 

You have to decide...and you know way better then anyone, what you can say or not say to this woman...but you have every right to be offended, I would....

Does this make any sense or help at all?



Just like Anna, sex has always been a topic that was discussed at my house.  My sons would come to me and have open discussions about sex when they had questions.  My Mother, bless her, was from the generation where sex was a taboo subject and I was so naive when I graduated.  Everything I had learned was from girlfriends and "bathroom" talk and most of it was very wrong.  So I wanted my sons to always know that if they had questions, I would do my best to explain it.  When my DS was dating my FDIL, he would joke about sex around me sometimes.  No details, just comments and my FDIL would punch him in the arm and laugh.  I finally asked her one day if she was comfortable with him making comments around me and she said, "My Mother and Father would never talk about sex in front of me, so it is just different for me to hear him say something around you.  I'm not used to it."  I told her then that if she ever wanted to talk about it, I was there but that their sex life was their business and I would never ask about it.  I also told her if she wasn't comfortable with him making comments around me, to tell him when they were alone and ask him to stop.

I don't know what happened, if she ever said anything to him, but he would still say something in front of her and I every once in a while.  Nothing detailed but something like, "Well you know, she knows how hot I am and can't keep her hands off me."  It was done in a joking manner. This was when they were dating (and I should point out that he was 18, in college and still living at home and she was 20).  I think it embarrassed her that I said something, but I wanted her to know where I stood and I wanted to see where she stood.  It wasn't meant to make her uncomfortable, just trying to set our boundaries.  That is why I continuously say that I am not blameless in the downfall of our relationship.  I said things in the beginning that she wasn't comfortable with and took them as I was trying to tell her what to do.  I honestly wasn't, I was trying to help and learn her personality but I can see where she took that as, "You need to do this."  My bad.

I think that sex is a normal part of life and as Anna said, very important to most men.  I know it is to my husband as well.  But I agree with Creme that it is a personal choice if you talk about it or not.  Some people are comfortable with it, some are not.  But that should always be your choice.  When someone is talking at work about something I am not comfortable with, I walk off.  If someone comes to me and starts talking about something I don't want to get into (like problems with a boss) , I simply tell them "I am really not comfortable talking about XXXXX.  This person is my boss as well and I have alot of respect for them.  I understand you are having issues with them, but I am not, so I can not relate to you or offer any advice."  Also, like Anna, these are conversations that were taking place at our home.  Not out in public. 

I think there is nothing wrong with talking to your DIL about their sex life if she broaches the subject and you are comfortable with it.  But if both parties are not comfortable with it, it shouldn't happen.  I also think Creme hit the nail on the head.  If you haven't talked about the boundaries with her, she may not realize that you don't appreciate it.  If she is used to talking about it, she probably didn't think a thing about her comment and was just joking around.  So talk to her about it and explain you are not comfortable talking about your sex life and that you would like to keep it a private between you and the DH.

This is not your fault Clover and she should have taken her cue from the fact you don't talk about it around her.  But sometimes you have to remind us that just because it is Ok with some people, it isn't right for everyone.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


yanno, and this is probably really hard for anyone to understand, I don't even understand it, however, I am pretty open, but discussing my sex life with my MIL would be very uncomfortable for me...I think?  It never happened so, I can't say for sure...maybe not, but right off the top of my head, I believe, out of respect, b/c it is her son, I would be a little embarrassed....?????? 

adding, I had all those talks with my son, very comfortably, b/c I didn't want him to grow up in the dark like I did...I to came from a generation that made me feel like sex was a bad thing...and should never be discussed....