It's a trap: Navigating the holiday minefield w/DS

[fantine]

Everyone:

I am trying to figure out how to navigate the holiday emotional minefield w/my 18-y-o DS. Of course, asking him to come for a visit is completely out of the question. There's no way I'd spend that kind of money just to have him here to torment me (which he would relish doing).

On the one hand, I want to reach out to him, but I know as sure as I do, anything I say, do, or send (in the form of cards, gifts) will be ridiculed and thrown back in my face by DS and DH. They're like a couple of hyenas, those two, and one of their favorite pastimes is --- me. If they can find a way to make sport of me, they're going to do it. 

So --- if I don't make contact w/him over the holidays, I'm a bad mother. If I do, I set myself up to be mocked and picked apart. I can't win. 

Who else is dealing with this quandary? Who has advice?
Fantine

[luise.volta]

F - "If I don't make contact w/him over the holidays, I'm a bad mother."

Don't buy that! My motto is "What other people think about me is none of my business!" Makes sense to them? Good for them. It doesn't have to make sense to me! Sending love...

[Didi.lost]

Sounds to me if you can't win either way.....I'd just keep my gift and sanity and they can do whatever they want.
If they ridicule you and your gift,  why would you give one?  Maybe you'd have a better holiday with some nice
happy friends that enjoy your company.

I won't be contacting or sending a gift to my DD.  If it makes me a bad mother because I refuse to take abuse
and disrespect, then so be it.

[fantine]

@luise: "My motto is "What other people think about me is none of my business!""
That is so very true. I had forgotten that. Thank you for the reminder.

@Didi: Thank you for the insight. I was interested to read that you are in a similar situation this year. I agree with you that if standing up for ourselves makes us bad moms, then "it is what it is." But *geez!* Sometimes it's hard being estranged like this!

[Didi.lost]

It is very very hard being estranged like this.  I've been doing it quite a while now and still think about it every day.
It's an awful feeling and makes me so mad sometimes that I have put up with this childish, selfish and uncaring, disrespectful attitude of my own flesh and blood.  I know we are told that we must take care of ourselves and our own lives and distant ourselves from the dramas if we are ever going to find any peace in the rest of our life.

It is hard.... but if it is out of our control how someone else wants to treat us.... then "It is what it is"

We accept what is and move forward.  We are here for each other.  You are in a wonderful group of caring women.
Keep posting and venting.  It really helps.

[Stilllearning]

What is it about women that makes us feel responsible for everyone's happiness?  We spend our lives taking care of other peoples' feelings.  That is why there are only women on this site, because the men don't worry about what they did wrong or right because they know that they cannot fix the past.  Only women fret about trying to make things right for everyone except ourselves.  I would really like to give that particular trait back!

My sister once said that if my mother was led to a banquet table filled with the most delectable things imaginable she would shun them all in favor of the rotten apple in the corner labeled "guilt".  I am struggling to be less like her in that regard and I have found a wonderful support group here!

Holidays are the hardest because we are constantly reminded of what we don't have.  If we are not watchful we sink into a mire of self pity that can suck every bit of enjoyment out of our lives and the lives of those who still love us.  We must fight that urge to think about what might have been and look honestly and thankfully on what is.  We still have many blessings.  A hundred years ago to have a house with power and heat and A/C was unthinkable unless you were ultra rich.  Now we think to live without those things is next to homelessness.  Happiness is more of an attitude than a result of our circumstances.  Choose to be happy regardless of how you handle your holiday giving.  You will make the decision that is right for you. 

[freespirit]

Hi fantine.

I'm back from the mountains.   ? .. funny about going away to forget ones problems. You do get distracted,...but it sure doesn't take long to fall into that same old grind when your're back..  On the other hand,..it takes longer each time for the hurt to return. So I guess that's good.

I actually think you are in a wonderful strong position. It's better to be the one who declines a visit, then the one who is being declined. No?  At least you are deciding what is good for you, and that must give you a feeling of control over the situation and over yourself. That's pretty powerful, if you think about it.

Last Christmas I told my son I don't want him to spend it with us, because I'm giving  myself that as a present. Yup. I really said that. And yes,...it shocked him half to death.  He then wrote me and promised that he would not insult me, intimidate me or make me unhappy. So he came...and he kept his promise. He really did. It was a lovely Christmas. ..Too bad, though, that it  didn't take long for him to slip into his old ways again. Oh well...taking little steps here.

But maybe you should write that to your son too. A little shock therapy is sometimes the best thing you can do, for him...and for  yourself.

[fantine]

Wooooooowwww, FS!! What a lot of guts you have! Geez.  . . I don't know if I have enough of a spine to say that to my DS! How old is he, again?

After the x-mas visit last year, how long did it take for him to get back to his old ways? Was it a matter of weeks, or was it all at once?

[luise.volta]

And...please remember that when we issue an ultimatum...we may not getting the hoped for and...have to face to consequences...

[fantine]

Very true, Ms. Luise. And in a way, by giving an ultimatum, you end up giving over some of your power to the other person (in my case, DS).

[luise.volta]

F - That's often true, about giving away your power and there are times, I'm sure, when it can be a very important boundary.

[freespirit]

It took me many years to reach that level of;...either he respects  me, or I don't want him in my life. After all he was 33 last Christmas. And I was at the point that I honestly did not want to submit myself to his behavior any longer. I meant every word I wrote. Now if he were 18,...hmmm I probably wouldn't have written it. BUT, I certainly would have put my foot down alot sooner than I have.

How long did it take for him  to go back to his old ways? About three months. And then we were on the carousel of emotional up and downs once again. It really drives me crazy. Anyway,...we are getting along again,...because we hardly see each other.   

[Cranky Pants]

They're like a couple of hyenas, those two, and one of their favorite pastimes is --- me. If they can find a way to make sport of me, they're going to do it. 

If you allow them to make sport of you, they will.  Hyenas do that, they are opportunists.


I'm a bad mother.  SO WHAT?

They are bulling your strings and using guilt to help you along in their game. Why are you keeping in touch with those two?

So you are a bad mother? Did the "Bad Mother Police" show up at your door to arrest you? Any citations, violations, did they take your license away? not allowed to be within 1,000 feet of a school, in case your "Bad Mother" tendencies rise to the surface and your "vibes" hurt the kids?

Not likely.

Yes, they are using you for sport, and you'll have to find a way to deal with the facts:

1. You were the best mother that you were every day when you son was growing up
2. Blame shifting from him only works when you accept his point of view and minimize your own
3. Whatever is left of your life, is yours and yours to life as you choose, and if you want to accept the "Bad Mother" label, it's playing into their hands.
4. Reserve the right to answer your phone, "Bad Mother, here" if your son should ever call.   

Here's my advice.  Don't drink the Bad Mother Kool Aid.  Go spend time with people who like you, who don't jerk you around, who don't treat you like yesterday's newspaper.

When in doubt, do nothing.

Christmas is coming.  Do nothing is an option.  Get a t-shirt for yourself that reads "Bad Mother", a little wreath for the door with the same logo.  Go somewhere and don't tell anyone where.  Get some peace and quiet and diminish the pain that you are experiencing.

Have some fun with being the target, but never accept the victim "crown".  Leave the kool aid on the table.   

C.P.

[Didi.lost]

LOVE IT!!!  Cranky Pants  My new motto.

Thanks

[Footloose]

If you must do something, I would simply mail a card with a brief note, wishing him well and include NO GIFT.  It sounds like everything you have tried still leaves him tagging you as bad momma.  BTW, I'd rather be a bad momma than continue to accept poor treatment and disrespect.  When everything you try still brings spiteful comments and more hurt, it may be time to simply do no more and wait for him to contact you.

I agree w/ cranky, this Christmas is about YOU! and it sounds like it's about time! hugs, sister!