been a while

[firelight]

Been a while since I've been on.  Since then, my mother died at home unexpectedly in July 2013 and my daughter had 1 more daughter in May 2013 who is cute as a button(total of 2 for her, 4 total for SIL).  SIL managed to lose yet another job.  I and my DH are convinced this is his plan and he has no desire to hold a job.  DD is working at a low paying job (but at least she is working)  and they are all struggling as usual while he sits back....that just doesn't stop grinding me.  I know this is her choice.  Her license plates are stolen (no one's birthday we know on the stamp) I believe since they cannot afford insurance or plates for the vehicle.  I just do what I do and spend time with the grands when I can and have gotten slightly better with pulling back some.  Still don't understand how she can be attracted to this loser but it is what it is.  I keep hoping she'll "outgrow" it but she doesn't.  Wishing a better life for my daughter and grands.  Maybe some day.   
anyway, good to see you.  I referred a friend today to this site who is having issues with her AC.  I hope she will try it as I know she would like it. 

[fantine]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I send my most sincere sympathies. 

I wanted to ask you about this comment you made: "they are all struggling as usual while he sits back..." There is someone in my life who behaves similarly. What do you think drives someone to behave like this? Do you think it's just plain laziness? Or do you think the people in their environment serve as enablers, as with addicts? 

The person who is in my life who is also along for the ride seems to have no shame in not working, living off of others, and the like. I just don't understand it.

[luise.volta]

Good to hear from you and know that you are hanging in, Firelight. For me, it is sometimes very hard to understand the thinking of others if we don't have similar core beliefs...as in our work ethic, for instance. Two different worlds...

[Didi.lost]

Firelight, so sorry for your loss. 

Congrats on another gc

Yes love is BLIND as is the case with my dd who can't stop forgiving the cheating bum she is with.  Maybe someday
they will get tired of it all.... but who knows.  All we can do is sit back and try to live a decent life for ourselves.

[DixieDarling]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mother.   Congrats on your newest grand daughter.
   
I read once something that said, "Its not what we give children, but what we teach them to get on their own that is the greatest gift." or something along those lines.
  My heart would be heavy also if I saw my daughter with 2 small children having to support a man also. She will most likely grow tired of that , hopefully before she has many more children.
How old are they?

[firelight]

Thank you all for your sympathies re: losing my mom.  I appreciate that.  It's been hard as would be expected for anyone.  Grieving is the pits. 

@ Dixie, my DD is 27 and her husband is 30.  Has another warrant out for his arrest for failure to show cause at court as to why he's not paying child support on his oldest son.  He had just gotten a job and decided just to not show up in court when he could have told his boss he had to be in court.....but his irresponsibility reigns.  I was actually buying my DD birth control pills for a few months after my last granddaughter was born then I stopped thinking "what am I doing???"  in my mind I knew "I'm doing it again." (doing for them what they should be doing for themselves)....needless to say, she is not on any birth control now so I'm sure it is only a matter of time before another one comes along. 

Yes, louise, I have given up trying to wrap my mind around it.  When my Dad calls asking all the questions as to how they are doing and relentlessly sending a newspaper to them because there's a job in the paper Dad thinks SIL could apply for (which SIL NEVER does) I just tell Dad I've given up and it's all their business ....which it is.

I like what you reminded me of, Didi, just to sit back and try to make a decent life for ourselves. 

@ fantine, My SIL is the champion of laziness.  but I have been the same champ in the enabling department.  Even though I have pulled back more than I used to , I see the same trait in my DD regarding her loser husband.  So he's along for the free ride.....only she can change her circumstances (and only I can change it regarding myself as well).  He does not seemed shamed by the free handouts (as my DD hasn't minded me helping either).  I was stupidly paying for their cell phone so I could have contact with my grands.  Otherwise I would have to get in the car and run into town (which is a country drive from my home) and knock on their door when I want to make plans to take my grands.....but it will be just that now because I have finally exhausted myself in "helping" them. 

Just like I am finally tired of it, maybe DD will one day tire of the whole shenanigan as well.  She and my grands deserve better but until that day, she must be where she wants to be. 

Thank you all so much for being there once again.  I still have my ring I bought that reminds me of you all when I wear it.  Always reminds me I'm far from alone regarding my AC.  It also reminds me to "let it go" and stop enabling when I feel the hankerin' to go run in there and save them AGAIN.  It has affected us financially and that is for the birds because it never stopped.  Hugs to you all!

[Pen]

My deepest condolences on your loss, FL.

[herbalescapes]

My sympathies on the loss of your mom. 

Maybe someday they will find a gene that some women have that makes them blind to the losers they hook up with.  You see this behavior in all ages, nationalities, races, ethnicities, education level, income level, etc.  Makes you want to pull out your hair when you're the observer.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that your dd sees the light and that the GC come out unscathed by this behavior. 

[shiny]

Deepest sympathy goes to you, FL. You have a lot of hurt to deal with, and I'm sorry about that.

[fantine]

@ fantine, My SIL is the champion of laziness.  but I have been the same champ in the enabling department.  Even though I have pulled back more than I used to , I see the same trait in my DD regarding her loser husband.  So he's along for the free ride.....only she can change her circumstances (and only I can change it regarding myself as well).  He does not seemed shamed by the free handouts (as my DD hasn't minded me helping either).  I was stupidly paying for their cell phone so I could have contact with my grands.  Otherwise I would have to get in the car and run into town (which is a country drive from my home) and knock on their door when I want to make plans to take my grands.....but it will be just that now because I have finally exhausted myself in "helping" them. 

Just like I am finally tired of it, maybe DD will one day tire of the whole shenanigan as well.  She and my grands deserve better but until that day, she must be where she wants to be. 

Yanno, firelight, this mirrors my own experiences. The person that I know who behaves similarly and has no shame in living off of others. He certainly has the skill set to find a decent job --- he's almost completed a Ph.D. (but quit because writing the dissertation was too hard). He's living with his mother and burning through her pension that she willingly uses to support him. 

Is there a chip in the ol' coconut that's missing? Or some sort of self-esteem issue involved? I certainly see some manipulation involved, as he really knows how to give his mother the bleeding heart drama to get $$ out of her.

I've read that all of these psychological tendencies are possible explanations. I mean I don't expect that everyone has to have the same work ethic, but to be so completely base as to live off of others and have no shame in doing so, as in the situation you describe --- I just don't get it.

[Pooh]

So sorry for your loss firelight and congrats on the new GD.

[freespirit]

Sending my sympathies too, for the loss of your mother.

[luise.volta]

Thinking about the loss of your mom this morning. You posted on what would have been my son's 65th birthday. He died of a sleep apnea induced stroke at 52. The loss of parent or child is unfathomable. It doesn't matter that it's natural and that we all have a 'shelf-life'...it's beyond our comprehension and the experience of it is something we are never prepared for. I will be 87 years old in March and, as as I address my own end of life issues, I'm trying to help those who will miss me. It's the great mystery. Sending sympathy and love...

[freespirit]

Luise, when did your son die? Did I miss the announcement? So sorry to hear this.

[luise.volta]

FS - This would have been his 65th birthday and he died at age 52. That was in 2000 and it seems like yesterday is some ways.