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I need your wisdom....Please.

Started by ohmama, October 06, 2013, 07:59:38 PM

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Pooh

That is why it's such a mine field.  You have to do what feels right to you.  I in no way think the way I did it was right, but it was right for me.  I also think that had I chosen to never go back to the relationship, that wouldn't have been wrong either because of her treatment.  I also have no guilt Monroe, and you shouldn't have either.  I think guilt for me is associated when I feel I didn't do something right or to the best of my ability.  Once I realize I have done those two things, I don't feel guilty.

She listened ohmama, but she didn't hear because she wasn't capable of hearing and only let up on me for a little while before starting again.  I truly just learned to ignore her and smile.  I actually think this infuriated her more :)  This is a woman that on my wedding day, asked to speak with me alone while I was getting dressed.  I thought naively, this was going to be one of those movie moments where she welcomed me to the family.  Instead, she said, "I will never forgive you for taking my baby away from me." Then turned and walked out.  Yep, my wedding day.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Oh and just so you guys know, I'm no angel.  When her Son left me for another woman, I proudly looked at her when she was giving me advice on how to get him back...ahem...and said, "You told me 21 years ago that you would never forgive me for taking your baby.  Well guess what?  I'm giving him back.  You're welcome."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

ohmama

 ;D ;D ;D
Oh pooh what a perfect response!!!! I'm only 24 so I may not have been born yet! But what I would give to be a fly on her wall that day hahaha. That made my day.
I guess it is just something I have to pray about it. I think a lot is driven by the fact that I don't want her to tell other family bad things, I love them. But in saying that I realize if they love me they won't be swayed by her.
Jdtm gave a great example too. Here you have a woman go along for the sake of peace. Only to have the same grandfather try to hurt her son. So two examples. One, the children benefited, the other they didn't. Lots of food for thought. Thank you ladies for sharing.

freespirit

My fist impulse,  after reading your post was to say;  never leave your child alone with this woman.  ??? It sounds like she is playing a control game with you. Insecure people do that, and there is no way, as you have mentioned, that you can talk to such people or have them agree with you.

My DIL and I get along very well,...but only because we have gone through several stumbling blocks, and we have found the best way to master them. My DIL is like a mother hen,  and that is putting it mildly. She is so protective of her children, that it's simply not normal. She fights with the kindergarden teacher, with other mothers, etc...just because she is constantly worried about her boys. What?

So it was definitely not easy for me to find a way to get along with her. She trusts absolutely no one with her children. It's not good for the boys either. But still, we have reached a compromise. They come as a family to visit, 2 – 4 times a month. She remains in the room with whoever plays with the children. She is at peace, and I don't really care. I don't need to be with the grandsons alone. They are very attatched to me whether or not she is present.

As is, it works out best for all. Yes, I know she is constantly observing us, but it has gotton better over the years. She actually goes to the kitchen alone now to make herself a cup of coffee. Whew.....

If you don't nec. need your MIL to babysit,...then I would suggest you just do family visits.

Oh, and what a very sweet and considerate DIL you are. Honestly, many a mother in law would adopt you. :-*
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne