Son ignoring texts? Completely ignoring me? What to do? Advice, please

[fantine]

Hi ladies:

Issue: I have accepted that my son doesn't want me in his everyday life. He moved out three years ago at age 15 to live with DD and his "new mom." I get it, and I'm working to accept it, even still. He lives 700 miles away, and I only see him once a year as is. However . . . .

Now, he refuses to even reply to my texts, which are only about twice a month, if that. Very friendly, placating. I stopped calling and stopped emailing him because even once a week was too much for him. But now he can't even be bothered to reply to my texts that are, at most, twice monthly? Really? 

I read his posts on FB (as a lurker --- I'd never *dream* of posting any comments, as he has already made it plain that my posting only "creates more problems" for him and questions from his friends for him that he doesn't want to answer) and he's happy as can be, just loving life.

Should I just cut my losses and stop contacting him altogether? The rejection is starting to wear on me. I deserve so much better than this. Like you other ladies, I really worked hard for the years that he lived with me to give him the best life I could. Doing so put me in financial ruin and it will take me at least the next 15 years to get back to 0. 

I just don't get it . . . . 

Comments/suggestions, please?
Fantine

[Pooh]

Fantine, as hard as it is, at some point you are going to have to make a choice, for your own sanity.  1. You stop contacting him at all or 2. You continue just sending the occasional text without any expectation of a response.

Either way it is a step in moving on in your life and realizing you did the best you could.  Some people like keeping the door open a little and would just continue to send the texts, but you have to be able to do it without getting upset that he doesn't respond.  I chose 1. simply because as much as I tried to convince myself that I could do that, I knew deep down it was more painful for me to do that, than just not contact him at all.  Every time I sent a text or email, it opened up that can of worms for me.  It's a personal choice on which one will give you back your life.

[fantine]

Dear Pooh:

Thank you for the insight! A few follow up questions, if you don't mind:

"I chose 1. simply because as much as I tried to convince myself that I could do that, I knew deep down it was more painful for me to do that, than just not contact him at all.  Every time I sent a text or email, it opened up that can of worms for me." How long did it take you to arrive at this decision? Was it just something you decided over time? Or was there a particular event (or his age?) that drove you to do it?

His DD (and also DS) have argued in the past that if I follow the path of #1, this shows not only that I don't love him, but that I also am driving DS even more to withdraw out of my life and cut contact. So in other words, they expect me to continue contacting him, and he can continue w/his cruel behavior w/o any repercussions or w/o hearing me complain that I find his behavior unacceptable. This tells me that neither of them regard me as having any feelings (heaven forbid if they consider that!). Reason #895 why I'm out of DD's (and now DS's) life.

Fantine

[luise.volta]

Of course you don't get. We can't make sense of the senseless. My take is to give yourself a break and at the same time honor his choice. He knows how to reach you. In my experience, at least, trying to have any kind of a relationship with someone who doesn't want one is a lost cause. Sending love...

[Pen]

Fantine, so sorry you're dealing with this. (((hugs)))

[fantine]

Thanks, Louise, Pen.

Louise, you are right --- it doesn't make sense for me to try and resuscitate a relationship that he clearly doesn't want. However, in the manipulative minds of DS and DH, if I don't try and keep the lines open, then if the relationship collapses, then I have no one to blame but myself. It sounds very manipulative and cruel, and it is, but for reasons I don't understand, their ploys working . . . . .

I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt anyway, so clearly if they say it's my fault the relationship ends, I'm going to absorb that (remember, this is coming from a DS and DH who analyze phone records in order to find a way to blame me).

Sigh  . .. . just sick of the games.  While I love my DS very much, of course, it saddens me to admit that marrying the wrong person almost 25 years ago has caused me so much ongoing pain as an adult, and I don't know how to stop it.
Fantine

[Didi.lost]

I don't know how to stop it either. married the wrong person.  I just recently found out what my ex of 35 yrs ago said to my DD and she believes him and not me so DD has made up her mind that everything gone wrong for her was my fault.

I get the manipulative behaviour also and am not wanted in her life anymore. yet I'm told that I'm the one who
won't even try have a relationship with her.  Set boundaries on the verbal abuse and they don't like that.  Well
too bad.  I'm taking care of me.  She has him and herself to badmouth me.  So have fun.  I want no part of it.
That's about them......not me. 

We will be fine Fantine as soon as we get it.  That it's out of our control and up to them now.

[Pooh]

It took me over two years to get there Fantine. 

I will tell you what did it for me.  It wasn't how they were treating me.  I didn't like how DS was acting, but kept chalking it up to being newly married, finding their own way, giving them their space....yada yada yada.  DIL and I had a rocky start while they were dating, so I seriously got it that she didn't have a desire to be all buddy-buddy.  I didn't expect that...just the occasional contact from my DS and attend a family thing every once in a while if it fit in their schedule.  What did me in, was the total disrespect for my Mother.  This is a lady that had been a great Grandmother to DS his entire life, opened her entire home to them when they wanted to hold the wedding at her house and had never did anything to them.  When they started snubbing my Mother, they crossed my line and allowed me to see that it truly wasn't anything I had done, it was their problem. 

Yes, I've been hurt by DS, but the pain was nothing compared to seeing my Mother hurt.  To me, it was the same as being a parent.  You can say what you want about me, but don't talk about or hurt my kids.  That's how I felt about my Mother.  That was my breaking point and there is no set time frame for anyone.  Everyone has to come to that place on their own and in their own time.

As far as the other.  DS knows I love him.  If he doesn't, again, his problem.  I will not be manipulated into doing something that causes me pain so he can feel better.  To me, that's like being with an abusive partner that beats you then tells you that you shouldn't have made him mad and he wouldn't have done it, so you say that you understand and love them until the next beating.

Not happening.  That may sound cold, but I deserve better.

[fantine]

Pooh, Didi, you are both right on. I want to make a few comments about each of your very helpful posts.

"I will not be manipulated into doing something that causes me pain so he can feel better.  To me, that's like being with an abusive partner that beats you then tells you that you shouldn't have made him mad and he wouldn't have done it, so you say that you understand and love them until the next beating." Pooh, this *so* reminded me of the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" with Julia Roberts from about 20 years ago. Kevin Kline plays her insanely abusive and manipulative husband, and he very much goes down the path you describe.

I think it's funny (odd, peculiar, not entertaining or "ha ha"), that when we describe domestic abuse, I know the first thing I think of is husband vs. wife. The notion of AS vs. mother probably doesn't pop into most people's heads. However, as we have seen, it's a very real, and tragic, phenomenon.

Didi wrote: "Set boundaries on the verbal abuse and they don't like that.  Well
too bad.  I'm taking care of me.  She has him and herself to badmouth me.  So have fun.  I want no part of it. That's about them......not me. We will be fine Fantine as soon as we get it.  That it's out of our control and up to them now.?" You are so right. And I don't know about you, but do you get an odd sensation when you have to interact with them? I do, when I have to interact w/DS and DH. It's hard to describe, but its almost like having some sort of slimy film on me that I can't brush off. Just very uncomfortable, and the only way I can shake this feeling is to get away from them. This, I would argue, is my body (and probably my subconscious) telling me that "something just ain't right."

[luise.volta]

I took me decades to learn that there is no longer a game if only one person is playing. Sending love...

[Cranky Pants]

Fantine, sadly, I think contacting your son is in a subtle, minor reminding him that you aren't getting as much contact with him as you would like.

I wouldn't contact him at all.  If you don't hear from him for a while, dig in your heels, and tough it out.  Where there's a will, there's a way and if he isn't finding a way to motivate himself to contact you, you won't be able to make him find one.

It's brutal, but I would turn my energy into another direction, and I suspect the day may come when he calls and says "Hey, you haven't texted me".....don't make a big deal of it, say "My phone takes incoming calls/texts too".

Some people, family members and others get complacent if you are always doing the calling, heaving lifting in the keeping in touch dept.  Sometimes you have to let them know that you aren't holding your phone every minute waiting for them to contact you.

One thing that I'm slightly familiar with is adult adoption.  I knew of a young man whose early life was a tragedy, adopted by a loving set of elderly parents in his 20's, I've never seen smiles so bright.  I wouldn't do it as a "revenge or replacement" tactic, but I'm not ready for anything like that, but I have seen it work out.

It's an agony unlike any other to have the person that you sacrificed so much for ignore you like yesterday's newspaper.  Life is cruel sometimes, I wish I knew what I know now, I would have sacrificed less and gone out dancing more.  We can't turn the clock back, but there is lots of free dancing out there, and you may meet a dance partners whose life doesn't revolve around $$ and who has some solid values.

Time to buy some new dancing shoes, IMHO.

C.P

[fantine]

CP:

Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-actly! You are so right on! Thank you! 

And when I have made the same point you did (ie, "My phone takes incoming calls/texts too"), DH argued that since he's a kid (18), it's up to me to keep the relationship going, no matter how DS behaves. I was born at night, but not last night!

Shoppin' for some new shoes!
Fantine

[luise.volta]

Tell DH that's brilliant and thoughtful...and have at it! 

[gettingoldandcranky]

going thru the same thing here.  tried to talk to son about my feelings on not being included in their lives - they have 2 lil ones who i miss all the time.  he doesn't want to hear anything - doesn't want to hear i luv u, i miss u, plse send pixs - anything is annoying to him. says to me that i am saying he is a disappointment to me.
so i have survived one wk of no contact. and he didn't contact me.  his wife must be dancing - she never liked me or wanted me around.
i can try to keep busy, but it is always on my mind and today i just cry 

[fantine]

Awww, ----- Gettingoldandcranky ---- Here, maybe these will help in some way. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I completely understand. Sundays are very hard days for me, as that is when we would always talk. It's been almost 3 mos since I've talked to him. Some days I feel ok and can move on, while others are just brutal, like yesterday.

Please keep posting here. I've only been a member of this group a short while, but I can tell you it has made a tremendous difference, just knowing that I'm not completely "loco" and that other women are experiencing this too. We all deserve so much better!