Son ignoring texts? Completely ignoring me? What to do? Advice, please

[DixieDarling]

Mercy my heart aches for each of you. These AC should be ashamed of their selves! IMO
I don't understand how someone could treat the person who raised them in such horrible ways. Shame on them! Sending up prayers for each of you today.  At least you have a place to talk about things with others who understand.

[fantine]

@Pen: Wow, that's fantastic you could put on a brave face. I'm not yet to that point. I am in a quandary right now because of the holidays, as you noted. Also, I feel very uncomfortable when people ask about DS in general, as if I am being judged for not having a better relationship with him. I did the best I could --- clearly it wasn't enough for DS --- so be it. I have to answer to My Creator for my actions and to me, that's really all that matters.

@Dixie: Thanks for the comforting thoughts. It's really hard to understand why other people behave as they do, that's for sure. Having this forum that Luise created has been a true blessing, that's for sure.

[freespirit]

Hello fanine. I just read this entire thread,...and gosh I am  so impressed with the wisdom here.

I used to excuse our son's behavior, in the past, because his marriage didn't work, his custody fight, his financial problems etc.  Now he's a playboy, in every sense of the word. He has regular contact with his daughter, and financially; -  he's made it big.

So what's his excuse?

There isn't any. There just isn't a single reason why he treats me and, meanwhile, his father like dirt. I believe he doesn't love us, never mind like us. And I'm sure, without a doubt, he can't even give any plausible reason for his behavior.

One day, I got a cold chill down my back, when I saw and finally comprehended, for the first time, the coldness in his eyes.

He didn't see me.  -  He looked through me.
He wasn't listening to what I was saying, - He was bored to death.
When asking how he is, -  he always had the same answer; - none.
He never asked how we are, or had the slightest interest in any facet of our lives.
His one syllable grunts or curt comments to anything we said or inquired about were heavenly, compared  to his mean humor, sarcasm, and demeaning insults.
Despite our repeatedly pleas not to smoke in our house, - he did it anyway.
He never picked up behind himself, leaving a trail of his garbage behind.
I could go on and on,...

You all know what I'm talking about, right? I truly feel that the son I raised and loved, isn't on this planet anymore.  Maybe it's like losing someone to Alzheimers. His body is there, but his soul and mind have changed. He's not the same person that he once was.

Life was worth living before we had children,....and now that they have moved on to whoever knows where...;  ...it's time for us to get our  lives back. It's hard work in the beginning, and I'm still on that emotional roller coaster,...but  the ride is getting a little bit smoother. We all can get there. Onward soldiers! 

[luise.volta]

FS - Thanks for referring to the wisdom here. I'm sure that's why we go on year after year. WWU isn't a reflection of one of us, it's a priceless combination of what we have all gone through, how we have perceived it and addressed it. Or not. When we can't see the woods for the trees...others can and visa versa...when they can't see the woods for the trees and we can. So many different perceptions, options and experiences are offered...and best of all, it seems to me, is the incredible opportunity to be heard. In my own case, it was the aloneness that was the most lethal...and it was my judgment of myself that took me down and kept me there. Since I caused 'it', I thought I should (and could) fix 'it.' Others taught me otherwise. Sending love...

[freespirit]

Luise, you are so incredible. You have set a wonderful example for many of us here. And I find it absolutely fantastic, that at your age you are still so involved, so caring and so very wise. I think I've said this before, but I can't say it enough. What a role model you are! I wish I could meet you in person. But I'll send the next best thing, a big virtual hug.  

[luise.volta]

  I gotta' tell you...I can feel it! 

[fantine]

@Luise: So glad you can feel the love. It's definitely being sent up from all sorts of random places!

@FS: Wow, that's just horrible about your son. In so many ways, my 18-y-o has similar behavior. I just can't understand it. But as Luise and many others have said in various places throughout this board, we don't necessarily have to understand it, just find a way to accept it.

As you correctly said yourself, FS, life was worth living before we had kids --- we can have lives after they move on, even though as my screen name "Fantine" would say "Life is so very different from what I dreamed it would be." (Luise, can I post a youtube link to Fantine's song here? It's from the 2012 film version of Les Miz)

It's sometimes hard to play the hand we are dealt, no doubt about that. I truly think that by using vehicles such as this board, we can help each other accept the reality of our lives.

[luise.volta]

Yes, we can always post links here. We just can't reproduce because of copyright laws.

[fantine]

Thanks Luise.

Here are two versions. The first, [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXQIYxS-Q00"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXQIYxS-Q00[/url] has the lyrics.

The second has Anne Hathaway's performance in the movie itself. [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyQ-0JOF1Qk"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyQ-0JOF1Qk[/url]

While the context of the song is somewhat different from the theme of this thread, I think the overall message is the same: none of us would have ever chosen these experiences.

[freespirit]

Oh gosh, fantine. I know the song, and I have to admit, I didn't listen, because it's just too heart wrenching for me.

I prefer  music that builds a fighting spirit in me. Music that makes me feel strong, independent and  tells me I am worth better treatment, and that I will never allow anyone to put me down.

Any suggestions?

You say your son is 18? Mine is 35, but acts like he's 16.
I just wrote him a letter, telling him if he can't treat me and his father with at least some  civil respect, we will sever all ties. We are too old for this. We prefer to seek peace elsewhere, and that peace we'll find a lot easier; without all this heart ache.

I feel really good, you could say released, after writing the letter, and sending it off per email.  ...I'm not kidding! Wow ...   

[Stilllearning]

Here is one for you Freespirit!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu4xpDuf84A

[fantine]

Wow!! Hat's off to you, FS! Just your comments about how much better you feel already is a fantastic sign. Whether he ignores you or not, it seems that you have taken a positive step. I am not yet to this point in my journey. Please keep us posted as to what response you receive!

The song I was looking for was "You shall rise," part of the Iron Jawed Angels soundtrack, but it's disappeared from youtube.

This song, "Survivor," by Destiny's Child from years ago, sounds like your experience, FS.  ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4OOum4Vm-M[ftp://ftp] If you don't like that type of music, you can mute it and just read the lyrics. Those in themselves are very powerful and empowering.

[freespirit]

Thank you so much, Stilllearning and fantine, for taking the time and posting the links. YES!  That's what I'm talking about. That kind of music really helps me. 

I also understand, fantine, that you aren't at that point yet in your journey. I'm a few years ahead of you, so to speak...and that mourning period is behind me.

Although, fantine, in your case, I wouldn't worry too much. Your son is just 18, and his behavior is more or less normal for many boys that age. It's when they don't snap out of it; ...like mine – that's when it gets unbearable.

This morning I opened my emails, and there was a two liner response from my son. He doesn't get it. He didn't answer or comment on one single topic in my letter. And what I so very much wanted to know is his reason. Why is he so hostile to us?  Apparently he couldn't answer that because there simply isn't an answer or explanation for his behavior.  His enmity continues. It's his way of distancing himself from us.

So, I wrote back, acknowledging his hostility. He has what he wants. Bravo. Cutting us out of his life must make him very happy.   

And you know what...my husband and I both feel like a burden has been taken off our shoulders. I hope this lighter feeling lasts. I really hope and pray it lasts. I will miss our granddaughter terribly,...but  it comforts me to know that she is well and loved. 

I value enjoying every beautiful day that is granted to us in our senior years. I'm learning to refocus.

[fantine]

That is so interesting about your son's brief reply. I know you must be disappointed, but at the same time, I am glad to hear that you feel a sense of relief. I'll bet these feelings will last. In fact, I'd put down money that your feelings of liberation will continue and intensify. *Score for FS!* We need an emoticon for that --- like a rocket or firecracker or something!

"Why is he so hostile to us? "  ---- Amen, sister, this is exactly what I'm trying to figure out for myself. I think part of my issue is that DH never believed in me --- not one day of my life, and especially not as I struggled through years of incredibly difficult graduate classes. It was always about his career, him, him, him. What I thought or wanted for myself personally or professionally never mattered. This attitude, naturally, has spilled over to DS. (This macho garbage/misogynistic/mother blaming is deeply rooted in the community where DH and I were raised. Women just don't count.)

Now I have a few advanced degrees and have a meatball of a job in one of the most sought after locations in the US. My colleagues are some of the best people I've ever known. Life is really, really good professionally.

"Cutting us out of his life must make him very happy." I think this is the case with my kid. However, you know what my theory is?? You treat others the way you feel about yourself or in a way that is reflective of your view of the world. So if I feel somewhat good about myself and think that a Higher Power is in control and loves me, chances are I will treat others well. While I clearly have my personal battles to fight, just like everyone here, if I have a good disposition and truly believe that good prevails over evil in this world, then I will treat others similarly.

Conversely, if I feel like dung and have that me, me, me, selfish mentality, I will treat others poorly, as I will see them as impediments to me getting what I want and "deserve." (common word for a lot of people, especially in the Millenial generation.

"it comforts me to know that she is well and loved."  This is a fantastic revelation. It's wonderful to know that she's being well taken care of and is in a good position. I know you miss her and that is to be expected. But you never know! Your DS may come around bc of your email. Things have a funny way of working out, I have found.

[freespirit]

BANG!  ...thanks for the rocket! lol

I hope you're right about those feelings lasting. You are right about the disapointment, though. Although, I didn't expect  anything differently.

You are some lady to have broken through the dominant macho system! Good for You! At the same time, I think successful mothers, (and I was one too),  might be intimidating  to our sons. Not necessarily daughters; -  but sons. Maybe they feel pressured to be as good as Mom....who knows.  Although my son is now a successful business man. At least, I think he's doing pretty good.  He never tells us anything.

I love  your philosphy. It's  mine too. I have been reading the book "Magic", that preaches this as well.  Have you read it? It's simply written, but has a strong message,  and I think it has been very therapeutic for me. It helps see the positive in just  about everything in life.  I really needed that.

Conversely, if I feel like dung and have that me, me, me, selfish mentality, I will treat others poorly, as I will see them as impediments to me getting what I want and "deserve." (common word for a lot of people, especially in the Millenial generation.

...You just described my son. Incredible!

We'll be heading for the mountains tomorrow, and will be  gone for awhile. I love climbing to the top, looking down, and seeing the world and all its problems  from another perspective. It seems to push everything back in  place. And our own problems,...are easier to swallow from up there, so close to the sky, as well. Thank you for your comforting words, fantine. I certainly didn't want to twist your post around to me. Hopefully sharing our problems, and maybe even identifying with them is  comforting to you. Stay strong, breathe through, and know...this too will pass.