Son ignoring texts? Completely ignoring me? What to do? Advice, please

[Pooh]

Yes and please know what you are feeling is normal, including the crying.  It's like any other loss in life, we have to have a grieving period.  Give yourself some time and it will get better.

[fantine]

You make an excellent point, Pooh. "Grieving" is a term that I don't think is commonly associated with this experience, but boy, is it ever appropriate!

[Pooh]

Thanks.  I think any time we experience a "loss" in life, be that a death, loss of a job, loss of health, loss of a relationship, etc., we grieve.  I think if you don't allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, you can't move forward.

[fantine]

You're so right, Pooh. And I can't tell you how many times I've been automatically blamed for my son's behavior, ie, if I had been a decent mother, he wouldn't behave this way. And I've also been told that there must be a deeper reason, such as I have an addiction or am abusing him, that would make his actions correct. I've even lost friendships over this, and that has been painful too.

[Pen]

When I first joined this site I never thought I'd reach the point where I could go a week (let's be real, a day would have been nice) w/o crying or wanting to hear from DS. I never thought I'd be free of wondering whether or not family & friends blamed me for DS's distance. Up until a month ago I was angry and hurt off and on, figuring this was how it was likely to be for years to come.

A few days ago I got a text out of the blue from DS asking for something big from me, something that would be quite a sacrifice on my part. He didn't ask how I was or tell me what he needed this item for (I had a bit of an idea from someone who saw one of his FB posts.) I told him a simple no. I haven't heard from him since. And you know what? I just now realized that I haven't gotten hurt, angry, or sad over this. I didn't cry, vent, or ache to call him. Friends & family ask how he is & I don't have to hold down sobs when I tell them I don't really know but I guess he's fine.

Perhaps my hormones are balanced for once, or I've got other things on my mind, or this latest request flipped the off switch for me. I don't know what's going on or how long it will last, but for now I'm enjoying the peace. For those of you who are just starting to deal with rejection by AC, it does get better.

[luise.volta]

Beloved Pen: My take is that it's called healing. I think sometimes we have to 'say' we deserve better long before we 'know' it in our hearts. Being used and being loved no longer look or feel the same when that happens. Protective boundaries emerge naturally instead of having to be erected and maintained at great cost. Peace, for me as well, came with self love and respect.

[fantine]

Dear Pooh:

Your recent experience with your DS sounds like it could've been my own! I can so see that happening in my future. And like you, I'm done with the games. It's going to take me probably 10 years to pay off the astronomical private school debt I took on in order to make sure he attended a safe school during his very early years. (The city we lived in at the time was one of the most dangerous in the nation, and the school system was eventually taken over by the state due to poor management.)

It's so interesting that you haven't heard from him since. That's also very telling in that he's sending a very clear sign about what his intentions are: when all else fails, call mom --- she'll bail me out. And when that didn't happen, I would guess that was a shock to him! And that's a good thing.

But for you, I'm glad you are at peace about it. I still go through a range of emotions. Some days I'm ok, others, I'm angry, sad, you name it. And as Luise said, it's a process. She couldn't be more correct.

Blessings and love to you all, my beautiful ladies,
Fantine

[Pooh]

When I first joined this site I never thought I'd reach the point where I could go a week (let's be real, a day would have been nice) w/o crying or wanting to hear from DS. I never thought I'd be free of wondering whether or not family & friends blamed me for DS's distance. Up until a month ago I was angry and hurt off and on, figuring this was how it was likely to be for years to come.

A few days ago I got a text out of the blue from DS asking for something big from me, something that would be quite a sacrifice on my part. He didn't ask how I was or tell me what he needed this item for (I had a bit of an idea from someone who saw one of his FB posts.) I told him a simple no. I haven't heard from him since. And you know what? I just now realized that I haven't gotten hurt, angry, or sad over this. I didn't cry, vent, or ache to call him. Friends & family ask how he is & I don't have to hold down sobs when I tell them I don't really know but I guess he's fine.

Perhaps my hormones are balanced for once, or I've got other things on my mind, or this latest request flipped the off switch for me. I don't know what's going on or how long it will last, but for now I'm enjoying the peace. For those of you who are just starting to deal with rejection by AC, it does get better.

I'm very proud of you Pen!  And Luise is right (as always), I think this is a major sign of your healing process.

[luise.volta]

Don't I wish! 

[Pooh]

If wishes were fishes...... 

[maddiemoo]

I am nearly 5 months into being rejected my adult daughter.  In the very beginning I kept contacting her and writing my feelings down in email form.  I then on occasion would text her.  Very rarely did I get a response. It is all very very painful because I am missing out on my nearly 15 month old grand daughter.  For a couple months I did not contact her at all.  Then after about 2 months of not attempting contact to preserve my sanity I began initiating contact. Most of the time I am ignored.  I am in a place currently where I initiate and if she responds she responds but I don't expect her to.  Everyone is different, but for me, I want her to know that no matter what I will try.  Now, that is how I feel at present. I allow myself to change my mind as I feel necessary. I am very sorry you are going through this...no mother deserves this kind of treatment. Just know you are not alone!

[fantine]

Maddiemoo:

Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement. I really do appreciate it, and I'm sure we all gather strength from your positivity.

I was struck by your comment "Everyone is different, but for me, I want her to know that no matter what I will try."  ---- for my DS, this is exactly what he wants ---- for me to keep trying so he can reject/ignore me. His father is just like that too. It's really a power trip for both of them, which is sad.

I am ashamed to say that I don't love my DS anymore, and I'm not sure that is true. However, I really don't *like* the person he is becoming at all. I have never seen him treat anyone with as much contempt as he does me. He has always been complimented on his impeccable manners, saying yes ma'am, no ma'am, please, thank you, the works! But replacing me with another woman, calling her "momma," pretty much gives you a sense of what he thinks of me.

Sundays are the worst for me because those are the days when we used to always talk. I try my best not to contact him, as he will only ignore me, and hasn't spoken to me in over three months. I'm not always successful, as sometimes I break down and text him, which I always regret. I try to make sure that the messages are very simple and short --- I love you, hope things are going well, etc. I don't know why I do it, because I always end up feeling hurt and angry. I guess I'm hoping that somehow he will respond, but he never does.

However, with the holidays looming, he will be looking for a free ticket to travel to come to the very desirable region of the country where I live so he can sight see and roam around. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't resurface in a couple of weeks or so, so he can start softening me up for a free trip.

Nice kid, huh?
Fantine

[Pen]

Not nice kid. He has the potential, I'm sure, as do all of our AC. But he's not being nice to you now, and neither is mine.

[fantine]

Not nice kid. He has the potential, I'm sure, as do all of our AC. But he's not being nice to you now, and neither is mine.

So Pen, how are you coping? What do you do for those times when you want to reach out and know it's going to lead to silence or a negative interaction?

[Pen]

Hi Fantine, regarding coping I seem to have crossed over into detachment mode. I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day who asked about DS, and I was able to cheerfully tell her that as far as I knew he was well and happy. I think it takes time. Regarding reaching out, I just don't have the urge anymore.

In the future this may all change, especially as we get closer to the holidays. But for now, this is where I am (happily.)