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DIL

Started by Cathy, March 11, 2013, 06:38:07 pm

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goldendays1

My husband's son and it's my stepson was beaten with a wooden spoon when very young by his mother.  My husband his father always did his very best for him and was not aware of the beatings.  I witnessed it as I was a friend/neighbor at the time 30 odd years ago.  The son has denied us any contact including with his four year old daughter we do not exist in her eyes and we are completely estranged from them.  So, how come the mother that did all the beatings was able to maintain a relationship with him and even move to be close to him?  I would add in those days in that country where it happened there was no-one I could turn to authority-wise to counsel her on the beatings.  She would get into a complete red rage and be completely out of control.  Go figure she's the one that is not ostracized.

Pooh

There is many of us here that have the same situation.  The parent that was the "absent" or worse parent, seems to be the one in favor.  I'll never get it and at some point, you realize there is nothing to get.  It is what it is and looking for the why's will drive you bonkers.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

elsieshaye

Quote from: Pooh on August 16, 2013, 08:25:17 amat some point, you realize there is nothing to get.  It is what it is and looking for the why's will drive you bonkers.


Thanks, Pooh, I needed to hear this today.  I have better and worse weeks dealing with the situation with my son.  His aunt is taking him to visit colleges today, and I'm struggling, because, in an ideal world, I would love to be the one going with him.  But we don't currently have that kind of relationship, and while I absolutely own my part in that (including the fact that I've distanced myself from him out of a sense of self-preservation, for good or ill) it does hurt that his father and his aunt get to be involved in his life in ways I'm not.  I have to keep reminding myself that, it is what it is, and it's not really my job to understand, necessarily.  Just to accept the reality and make my own decisions about how to proceed in my own life.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pen

Thinking of you, Elsie. I need those words too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

elsieshaye

Thanks, Pen.  As another friend of mine said, the college trip must have really scared DS, because (when I made the mistake of asking him how it went, silly me!) I got a face full of crazy that rocked me back on my heels for a few days.  I also heard from the aunt who took him that he was horrible to her when she refused to just hand him money and made him apply for financial aid, and was also horrible to the school staff.

I decided it was time to take another big step back.  No more initiating contact, and the door is now firmly shut.  No dramatic slamming of that door, or announcing that it was closing, just the quiet turning of a dead-bolt.  I realized I had been yet again doing all the heavy lifting, and that what it really showed was that I don't trust him to do the work to rebuild our relationship, so I was trying to do it for him.  He may never do that work, and we may never have a relationship again.  I'm working on being ok with that.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

Sorry Elsieshaye.  He's burning his bridges with quite a few people.  I'm sure Auntie will not be so keen on helping him again.  Good news?  It's validation for you that it's not about you, it's about him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

elsieshaye

Pooh, it does actually help a little, in terms of validation, to know he's not aiming it solely at me.  I think Auntie will keep on dashing herself against that rock, though, because she really believes that's what good people do.  There's a lot of judgement on her part about my stepping back from DS - she's been struggling with my ex-husband (her brother) for decades in the same way.  He gives her nothing but abuse and contempt, no matter how much she helps him and how much she goes out of her way, yet she can't seem to really stop, because it makes her feel that she's not a good person if she does.  I used to think that way too, but it makes me physically ill and depressed and does not one tiny bit of good for the other person.  I've learned to say "not my monkey, not my circus" where she is concerned.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

I use to be that way too elsie.  I would take, take and take some more all in the name of "I'm still being the good one".  I think that was one of my major turning points when I realized that I would rather spend my time doing good for those that reciprocated and were grateful instead of those that expected it and were ungrateful.

So little time...so many flying monkeys.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Hear, hear! I'm learning this as well...very eye-opening.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb