Tired of the Disrespect

[C.]

I am so tired of the way I am routinely treated/spoken to by some of my kids.  I have a large family, all adults now but one.  Some of my kids are so consistently disrespectful, countering/arguing with everything I say, just about, criticizing me or being critical of me in ways they would not criticize anybody else in their lives, taking what I do for them for granted, etc.   I'm a peaceloving kind of person and am not critical or judgmental of my kids, do not speak to them disrespectfully, on the contrary, I go to the other extreme probably and am overly forebearing and accepting.  This causes me to just not want to be around them or to not really want to talk to them which in the past some have interpreted as my not being interested/not caring.  It's a no win situation.  If I confront them over their disrespect, they don't like that, and if I am silent and distance myself, they don't like that either.  I don't really like the latter, either, I would much prefer to be treated with simple respect!  The kids grew up seeing me disrespected (and abused) by my exes and although they didn't approve of how their dads treated me, they seem to still demonstrate some of the contempt their dads showed towards me at times.  I'm single and have been for some years now (and intend to stay single) but I think that kind of adds to the problem, something like there is no partner in the picture to stand up for me, something like that.  Any thoughts?  Thank you for reading!

[luise.volta]

C - C - My take is I don't see 'peace at any cost' as peace. I see it as abuse. When we accept disrespect, either with grace or resentment, we become role models that teach abuse. There is no comfort in taking a stand...to the contrary. however, it can be the foundation for self-respect. Sending love...

[Pen]

C, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been dealing with something similar myself, and like you I've let it happen so long I don't know how to change the dynamic without losing the relationship. The last time DH & I saw DS he was being very critical & demeaning about everything I said. I pointed it out to my DH who started paying better attention and backed me up when I called DS on that behavior. We haven't heard from him since.

[Pooh]

And C, you can't wait for someone to stand up for you.  You have to stand up for yourself.  You are responsible for your happiness, no one else.

[herbalescapes]

If your kids grew up watching you being treated with disrespect and abuse, they've probably assimilated that on an unconscious level.  I don't know how to combat that.  Actions speak louder than words.  You can tell your kids 20 times a day not to smoke, but if you do it with a cigarette in your mouth, it's a good chance they will end up smokers.  they may know it's a bad habit just like they spoke against their dads abusing you, but it's an ingrained truth to them that mom doesn't need to be respected. 

The important thing is that you know you need to be treated with respect.  There may not be a palatable solution.  You may have to make the choice of have a relationship and put up with the disrespect or cut ties.  Not a great choice to have to make, but a reality for many.  Good luck. 

[Pen]

Sometimes I hear from AC that we have to earn their respect. I think what we older folks mean by saying we want to be treated with respect is that we want to be treated with civility or common courtesy. I can do that even if I don't "respect" the other person.

Maybe we'd get farther asking for those things rather than using the "R" word. What do you all think?

[fantine]

Pen, this is so true. I've seen before my own eyes my DS treat total strangers with greater basic decency than he has me . . .  .and like the OP, my reaction has been one of anger and sadness. Where do these kids get off demanding respect? I dont' particularly think my own father is that great of a man, but I will treat him the best I know how, because I know that he did the best he could with the resources he had. And for that alone, he will always get my respect.

I dunno. Is it a generational issue? Maybe. But also, when comparing our culture to others, specifically Asian and Hispanic cultures, it's clear to me that the dynamic between parent and child is much different. In general, in both of those societies, adult children revere their parents and then, teach their own children that doing anything less is anathema to human decency. As a society, we would be wise to take a page out of their books.

[AnnaB]

I loved reading the comment about how our AC learned how to treat us with disrespect, common courtesies etc. They did if they had witnessed it. A friend of mine who has recently " been abandoned" by her AD and I are going to get together once a week and discuss one chapter at a time. The book Is called"Mothers who love too much." I have finally released myself from my two disrespectful AD AND I LOVE THE NEW FOUND PEACE IN MY LIFE AT AGE 67. It's OK. If they cannot be kind and courteous to me, I don't want to see them. 

[Pooh]

It's a great place to be AnnaB!

[AnnaB]

  Such a good site, so helpful, what a miracle this is that someone realized a need for this kind of help. Thank you.

[herbalescapes]

The phrase "the grass is always greener" came to mind when I read the comparison to Asian and Hispanic cultures.  It's nice to have a societal impetus to respect (be civilized) to our elders, but that can go too far.  If children are taught they can never disrespect or disobey an elder, they're in a heap of trouble if they have any type of abusive adult in their lives.  There was a time when American culture placed value on respecting our elders. There's got to be a happy medium between absolutely no disrespect and absolutely no respect.

I think the comment about asking for civility rather than respect is a good one.  Some parents don't deserve respect.  Sometimes the children and parents disagree on what is deserving of respect and what is not.   Civility, however, is something we can give everyone no matter what their character. 

AnnaB, I'd be interested in knowing how your book defines loving too much.  How do we measure love to know that we are doing it too much?  I agree we can do too much for our kids.  We can give too much to our kids.  We can wrap our identities too much in our kids.  We can try too hard for them to like us.  We can sacrifice too much for our kids.  But I'm not sure we can love them too much.  I think we misuse the term love to feel better about ourselves. 

[C.]

Such insightful responses-- thank you.  I've been thinking about how our kids learn to to treat us rudely or uncivilly to the point that they don't even realize they are doing it, which is so true, I think, and I realized something else.  The more we distance ourselves from rude and disrespectful treatment, the more we, ourselves recognize it and can no longer tolerate it.  Treatment I tolerated for many years I do not and will not tolerate any longer.  This is mostly because I made a conscious decision some years back that I would not be mistreated ever again.  I was in therapy for many years with a very fine therapist who specialized in treating survivors of trauma.  It helped me so, so much.  During one session after I'd described something that had happened, she asked me, "After having gotten yourself free of abusive relationships with men, are you willing to be abused by your adult kids for the rest of your life?"  That was a real turning point for me and I purposed then that I would not be abused by anyone, including my adult kids.  I've removed myself, since then, from disrespectful treatment of all kinds, and I think what's happened is, when I am treated rudely, it is far more jarring to me than it ever was in years past when it was just simply the way things were.   

[Pen]

How true. I was just thinking about a situation at my current work place, which is becoming intolerable due to rudeness and uncivil treatment by some heads of certain departments. A few years ago I came from a work place where the big boss made sure everyone felt valued and respected, no matter what their position. If I'd not experienced the first, the second might have seemed "normal." I know it is not.

[Whitney]

You can't demand respect, but you CAN demand civility. 

When my daughter turned 16, she turned into a creature I no longer knew.  I thought it was hormones & teenage angst and that she'd grow out of it.  As the years passed, she didn't "outgrow" her disrespectful behavior toward me....oddly enough I HAVE witnessed her being so sweet to other people and wonder, why doesn't she EVER talk to me like that??? 

I decided somewhere along the way that I would no longer tolerate her belligerent behavior.  I've had to repeat that to her many times – even give her examples of how she SHOULD have said such-and-such...and gradually it's become more peaceful at home, though she still backslides occasionally - then I remind her that she can go live somewhere else if that's how she's going to act...

It's absolutely not the loving mother-daughter relationship I envisioned we'd have when she grew up (she's 23 now).  Though our relationship remains tense, at least she's not screaming at me.  I can only hope that ONE DAY, we might have a little fun together, go shopping, have lunch, or just watch tv...?

[fantine]

Dear Whitney:

"he didn't "outgrow" her disrespectful behavior toward me....oddly enough I HAVE witnessed her being so sweet to other people and wonder, why doesn't she EVER talk to me like that???"

Is this not the absolute truth!?!?! I have gone through this EXACT feeling, wondering why my DS acted like he did/does. In my case, it was usually towards total strangers that he would be such an angel, and people would always say to me, "He's such a gentleman, so well behaved, such good manners." If they only knew.

In a way, though, knowing that he can turn it "off" and "on" like that says way more about him than it does me. Anyone who can be that manipulative and treat total strangers better than his own mother ---- well, that just says volumes about him, in my mind.

Fantine