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Lazy DIL and son is asking for my help

Started by TL_68, September 03, 2013, 01:37:55 PM

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Lillycache

Quote from: Pen on September 11, 2013, 12:06:46 AM
I agree with the other posters. It's best, usually, if a MIL doesn't get involved in issues between her AC and his/her spouse. There's likely no way to emerge unscathed. Now if a DIL/SIL were to come to her/his MIL asking for help, that would be different.

My DIL is a pretty bad housekeeper too... but I never really cared what her house looked like when I went there to see the kids.  SHE on the other hand did.. and would get mad at ME for seeing her house nasty.  Let me add, I never dropped in but was always invited by my son.   One time it was to help him get the furnace working again in the middle of winter.. YET.. MY fault I saw her mess..  SOLVED....   I never go to her house.  Even if they were all freezing to death.  lol!!

herbalescapes

I was having lunch with a group of friends this past weekend.  One of our group is due to have her first baby in a few weeks.  Part of the conversation revolved around the changes a baby makes to a relationship and your post came to mind.  I know you've pretty much found a solution, but I thought I'd offer some of our comments.  I apologize for any anti-male leanings; it was a group of women at lunch so of course it was a slanted conversation.

If my husband came to me and told me I had to do the housework if I stayed home with the baby I would have told him "Don't think so, buddy.  You're not the boss of me!"  Then I wouldn't do any housework until he learned his lesson.  Bringing home a paycheck doesn't make one partner above the other.  If your DS tried to dictate terms or DIL just felt he was, this whole housework thing could be part of a power struggle. 

It could be that DS thinks they discussed the matter and he thinks the result was if DIL stays home, she does the housework.  Meanwhile, DIL may think the result was if DS wants her to get a job, he needs to prove he will pitch in more around the house.  So through a miscommunication they are both sitting back expecting the other to start doing the housework. 

IF GC is only 5 mos, it's a good chance there are still many sleepless nights in that household.  I know my own DH would sleep through the cries and even when I kicked him in the shin, he'd mumble then roll over and go back to sleep.  If DIL is the only one getting up in the night, I couldn't blame her for not doing housework. 

Watching other kids four days a week can really take a toll.  Depending on their ages and temperaments, she may just be whalloped which can carry over onto the other days. Some people find taking care of children a joy and invigorating.  Other people it just takes all the energy out of them.

Even though DIL appears happy and cheerful, you can't rule out PPD.  Many people hide depression.  Young mothers especially feel the need to put on a happy face.  And even if she isn't depressed, there are other problems a woman can develop after childbirth that affects how they function.  Many women develop a thyroid problem that leaves them with no energy. 

It's possible that DIL is just being lazy and selfish, but there are other explanations, too.  My own ILs dug themselves in a big hole by taking everything my DH told them as truth.  We all have to remember that there's always someone else's side of the story to consider.  Hope things are going well. 

TL_68

Update on the situation:  Two days before the arrival of my kids sister from Germany my mother and I, at the request of Son and DIL, went over and cleaned for them.  All of what you said above is very true and accurate in most cases but this was not the case.  I have been witness to the conversations between them and my son says, and does, help her in the house and with the baby. He will always help her if she herself has made an effort of any sort on her days off (4 of 7). Prior to her quitting to stay home if he got home before she did he would clean the house and do the laundry. He does help her but it has gotten to the point that she does nothing at all and expects him to spend his days off cleaning with her when she makes no effort to do anything when he isn't there. 

The situation when mom and I got there was horrible!  I took the kitchen and my mom took the extra bedroom and bathroom.  It took me three hours to clean the kitchen!!  This kitchen is not big, if I stand in the middle I can almost touch both sides of the counters.  I was attacked by 100's of gnats as I tackled the kitchen sink, there was caked on dried on food between the sink and back wall, as well as the window and window sill over the sink.  I had to spray, soak and scrub the counter tops vigorously, there was red food coloring spilled all over the top of the stove that had obviously been there for a long time!  The garbage was overflowing and food and drink were dried and caked on the floor around it. I had to scrub the entire outside of the garbage can and it still didn't come clean.  The kitchen table was so cluttered you couldn't see the top of it. Laundry was in baskets in the kitchen and she didn't know which were clean and dirty.  My DIL did not help us BUT she had a very fussy baby that did not want to be put down at all so I was completely understanding of that. BUT he is not that way every day, all day.  It was painfully obvious that she had not even wiped the kitchen counters down in weeks and the canisters had layers and layers of grease on them!  There were several pots and pans sitting out on the stove and counters that she had put water in to let them soak that had no doubt been there for awhile as you could see the thick layer on top that only results from stagnant water and food.  And that was just the kitchen! My mom spent the same amount of time in the bedroom and bathroom.

I went back over to visit with their sister 4 days later and you could not tell I had been there at all!!!  I know that she will never be a great housekeeper (as I won't be either) but there is a difference between messy and dirty and that house is just dirty! Luckily this won't be an issue again as their sister will not be back in the states for several years and if she is then they are on their own. I am the type of parent that will help you out in a bind but if you keep getting in that same bind your on your own. So I did what I could to help them and to help their sister have a clean place to stay and I'm done. 

Thank you all for your input, it really did help! My initial thoughts were of sitting DIL down for an intervention but all of you helped me to see how disastrous that would have been regardless of my good intentions.  So, although against advice, I did go over and clean and that helped me to feel like I have done a good deed. 

Signed...

DONE CLEANING THEIR MESS!  ::)

luise.volta

Wonderful. We are all learning that we can't keep on doing the same thing and expect different results. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama