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CONFUSED.....

Started by seabreeze, September 09, 2013, 10:06:18 am

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seabreeze

Hi everyone: I thought I started my first post yesterday, but  I can't find it anywhere.?? So, I want to see if this gets posted. I wrote a long post yesterday and don't want to rewrite it all, but can't find it on the board. Thanks. New to posting and new to this site.

luise.volta

Welcome - Bummer...been there/done that! Looks like you're OK now.

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the three posts put there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure it's a fit. We're a monitored Website.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Welcome Seabreeze.  Yes, I've had things "poof" into cyberspace at times.  My suggestion is when you are writing a fairly long post, do it in word or notepad, then copy and paste it here.  That way if it poofs, you still have it to copy and paste.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

seabreeze

Hi: Here I am again. Yes,  I will take your suggestion and cut and paste from word. Also I did read the Open First stuff. I have taken some time to read the posts and I can definitely identify with the mothers.

I have struggled at times with not talking to my son, and it had been extremely difficult. I
have come to realize some things that I have seen posted on this website and it has helped me a lot. First, the way I want things to be and the way that they are, are  two different things. I had to let go of the way I wanted my son to be and the relationship that I wanted to have with him. I needed to accept him the way that he is and the way that the relationship is. If that is not OK, then I don't have to talk to him or I can change myself, but that doesn't mean that it will change him.
My son has struggled with drug addiction since 13. He is now 26. He is the only son I have and basically my only family. Many of his friends, including his best friend (who was like a son to me), have OD'd and died. It took me a long time to stop being afraid and to start putting in more consequences and boundaries.
He currently does not do any drugs, but still drinks. He moved in with me last year when he became homeless. It has been a tough year, but it really helped me to see that my job is done. He is an adult "no do-overs" I have to accept that it is what it is and I have to move on with my life.
I have realized that when he was in crisis, or in treatment, or homeless, it took up a lot of my time and energy. I simply could not help it. I realize now that I need to have my own life and concentrate on myself.
I am 56 and I would like to find some happiness and joy in my own life. This is what I need to concentrate on now. For so very, very long I completely blamed myself. Now, I realize that he needs to move out and we need to put some timeline in there. He works two jobs and has begun going to community college, but whatever he does, it is really up to him. I am not in a very good financial situation and I need to start taking care of myself and stop focusing on him.
It is a process, but I am starting to do it and to realize I need to for my own sake. If he ends up not talking to me after he moves, then I will need to accept it and make peace in my heart. Maybe the relationship will end up being better, Who knows?
I really don't know what the future will bring. I need to respect myself as a mother, woman, and person regardless of what others think or say. I only need to answer to myself.

luise.volta

Beautiful. Many of us find our inner transition from being the 'protective parent', which was our initial role out of necessity, to 'releasing parent'...which is also a necessity...a pretty tough road to travel. For me at least, there was an invisible line where it became pathological to both my son and me...to continue the first option beyond its shelf-life...and not advance to the second.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

That's great seabreeze.  It's not an easy road, but at the end is peace and happiness.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama