Trying to Be Okay, Help

[C.]

Hello, all--
A while back, probably a couple of years now, I posted my story.  My child had decided they wanted nothing to do with me and had gone on a sort of crusade to turn my other children against me.    It was a horrible time, hard for me to just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, but I did.

By way of who I am, I am 61 and single.  I've been single for five years now.  I work fulltime 60 miles away, I commute by bus, and have for 12 years.  I have a large family of children and grandchildren with more grandchildren on the way.  I love them all very dearly.

About a year ago my child who decided they wanted nothing to do with me got into trouble, I'll call this child E.  E had had a DUI, wrecked E's car (and did not have insurance) and was in a battering relationship that ended up with the police being called, the batterer lying to police, and E being charged with assault, even though E had a bone broken.  All E had done in the altercation was break a window.  The abusive partner had E's phone, car keys, shoes and other essential items inside and E was outside in the dark without a way to get help so broke the window trying to get back in.  The abusive partner told police E was the batterer and that's why E was locked out and police believed the batterer.

Long story short, right around this time, unaware of the above, I emailed E asking one last time if there were anything I could do to restore our relationship. E responded very positively and we were reunited and it was wonderful and thrilling to me.  Within a few days E asked to come to live with me briefly while getting back on track.  I said sure and E moved in.  More long story short, E stayed a year.  Over the year, I took E to all of E's court hearings, got E toE's court-required community service and anger management classes and back home again, provided food, shelter, helped E get E's small dog neutered, etc.  During the time E was here E was able to complete two quarters of community college and has just begun a third.  When E is done, E will  have E's associate's degree.  The original plan was for E to finish the associates, then go to a four year college to finish the last two years and get a degree.  E was planning to go to the 4-year school in another city to get a new start.  E did not drink while here with me.

This past weekend E's plans changed and E told me E had decided not to go to a four year school after all.  E wanted instead to continue to stay with me, to get a job and save money for a car and after getting a car, save money for an apartment.  E wanted to know if E could ride with me to the bus stop mornings and get a ride home from the bus stop in the evenings until E could get a car.  E has some money right now, financial aid for school.  I was anxious about this plan.  For one thing, quite a few times over the past year, E was not at the bus stop when I arrived after work.  Several times I had to drive 30 miles back to the city to pick E up because E had missed the last bus.  I don't get home until 7 or so every night and I had my other minor child still at home etc.  We live way out and the last bus service to our area arrives at 7. After that time everyone is on their own.  My car is fragile with 170,000 miles on it.  I also worried about E's plan for other reasons.  E had taken in two abandoned kittens while here.  At first E tried to get them homes and several times had people who wanted to take them, but in the end E didn't really want to part with them.  I told E I was worried about E being gone all day working and E's dog and two cats being left alone in E's room without supervision.  When E moved in I told E I really did not want animals in E's room.  I am an animal lover but some of my kids are allergic to cats and E was staying in the one room I tried to keep cat free for those kids' sakes.  E's new  plan would mean the cats would stay more months, grow into big cats, would have to be neutered or spayed quickly, etc. 

I told E I would consider helping with transportation if 1.  E found a backup plan, so that on days I have off or am late or have plans, I would not have to orient my schedule around E's.   One of my adult kids lives not far away and had said she would help with this.   2.  If E had a plan for the cats.  3.  I did not want this to be open ended time-wise.  I wanted E to try to give me a date as to how long E thought E would want me to drive,  and how long it would take to save for a place, once E got a job.  I said I hoped this could be completed by the first of the  year realizing that was just an estimate.

E became upset and we argued.  Suddenly it was back to I was E's "birth mother", maybe I never wanted to be a mother.  E would be more comfortable calling me by my first name.  E said E could see I "did not want to be bothered."  E said E had not asked me to drive E anywhere (besides the community service, etc.; these court requirements required about nine months to complete but E did not remember this and thought it was much less.) E said E was putting E first now and would look at options and get back to me that day.  Our argument was not good and I became very upset and cried and was despairing.  After that E and I worked it out somewhat, I thought, but E still seemed frustrated.  E claimed not to be angry but said E was doing what E needed to do to survive, just like I was.  I repeatedly told E I loved E and would try to do this but just needed to negotiate some plan that I could feel comfortable with.

I came home tonight to find E's room empty and E's animals and things gone.  E left no note and no email.  E  had just gotten a new phone and had not called me yet, so I do not know E's new phone number.  I noticed E had taken a mug E had given me as a gift that had loving sentiments on it. 

As additional info, I am in bankruptcy and have very limited funds as most of my paycheck goes to the bankruptcy trustee.  I've been in bankruptcy two and a half years with at least another year or so to go, most likely.  I had a bone fracture this summer and had two surgeries.   I missed only four days work because of those surgeries.  I cannot afford to take nonpaid time off since I still support two children in high school.  I didn't ask E for household help, only to do E's own dishes.  E's room was left in very bad condition.  The smell is really, really bad and the carpet will probably have to be replaced.  I don't have money for this or to hire help or for anything except the very bare basics. 

E has cut off  all but one sibling over the past couple of years saying they were not there for E when E needed them.  Part of this is, they would not cut me off when E wanted them to.  E has never seen her newest nephew who is 18 months old now.  E was asked to be in a sibling's wedding coming up and is not only not going to be in the wedding but is not going to go to the wedding.  This is because, E says, she does not even know this sibling (who is several years younger than E).  All of E's siblings have reached out to E and affirmed their love and support and desire to see E but E has rejected all but one.  I have good relationships with my other children now.  All but the youngest are on their own, married, working.  I am on good terms with my grandkids and babysit the littlest one sometimes. 

I am fighting despair.  This was the last thing I wanted to see happen.  I love E dearly.  E is 26.   I am also worried for E.  E could have stayed, finished this last quarter, gone on to a four year school (with financial aid). 

I would so appreciate any support anyone feels led to offer.  Thank you all so much.

C

[Pooh]

So sorry C.  Unfortunately, this seems to be what happens in many cases were a parent allows an estranged AC back into their home.  I know you love E and hate it ended this way again, but it seems to me E did nothing but take advantage of your love.  You gave E a safe place to land and instead of taking the opportunity to take their life back and start again, they just continued their pattern.

You did what you could.  It is now on them to work out their life, on their own.  You have a life to live and you deserve some peace.

[elsieshaye]

I'm sorry.  I know it hurts, but E is an adult and made a choice both to not follow through with his plan and to treat you shabbily.  The things he said were calculated to hurt you, because they've done so before.  You did your best for him, and he needs to work this out on his own. 

(For the rug, if the smell is from pet stains, you might have luck with some enzyme cleaner from the pet supply store, and a steam cleaner rental from the grocery store.  It may at least make the room usable until you can figure out a way to replace the carpet.)

[C.]

Thanks, Pooh and elsieshaye.   I have a background of having been in a very abusive marriage-- my ex tried to kill me many years ago and went to prison for it and died there.  I have spent many years working to overcome the effects of this abuse and learning to take good care of myself and honor myself.  One thing I wanted, in addition to taking care of myself in this situation with E, was to model this taking care of myself (as opposed to just allowing things to happen and continue to go on that are damaging for me).   But as is so often the case where kids have grown up and seen their mothers abused, E behaved more like E's father, disrespectful, dismissive, cruel.   Thank you for urging me to move on and have peace in my life.  I know this is good advice.  Last night when I was so upset, I called one of my daughters to find out whether she knew where E might be or what E's plans were (she lives nearby).  She did not but she does have E's cell number and plans to call E.  That phone call was kind of disturbing too.  This adult daughter is 36, on her own, stable and employed, but I felt as though she was defending E.  Her entire focus was on how difficult E's situation was and how hard it was to be living out so far without a car and a job and so on.  I agree with this, but felt so alone talking with this daughter.  I know from experience and should have known better than to discuss this with other of my kids.  They are unable to see things from my perspective and usually don't try, instead they counter just about everything I say-- even things they agree with me about!  I'm on good terms with all of them now mostly because I've gone kind of quiet with them.  It's a relief to be able to talk about this here.  I do plan to work on the rug in that room, elsieshaye.  That room is like some sort of bizarre memorial-- it is full of boxes of stuff left behind from basically all of my adult kids, who just moved out and left it for me to deal with.  At age 61, single and broke (and  recovering from an elbow fracture), I'm no longer able to lug this stuff around and do all of this hard physical labor, the way I used to.   I always loved being a mother, it was one of the most beautiful things in my life. These days, honestly, mostly it is a source of pain, disappointment and regret.  If any woman asked me whether she should do it, the way I'm feeling now, I'd say, heck no. 

[luise.volta]

I honestly don't get it...but sometimes the more we attempt to support our adult children, the more contempt they have for us. For me, the eventual answer was that I could not make sense of the senseless and having my life be about my adult son's poor choices and failure to learn from the consequences was too destructive to justify. We each have to come to our own crossroads.

[Ruth]

I am so sorry, C.  I, as I'm sure many others do on this site, have experienced that same sense of pain, loss, fear that you're feeling.  I think I'd rather go through years of a very taxing physical illness than to have to walk through this kind of particular pain that is the product of a broken down relationship between mother/child, it is just so awfully painful.  It sounds to me like you went many extra miles trying to 'be there' for E, and to clear away all the debris for E to get what E wanted, at great personal cost to yourself.  This is what mothers do, anyway, but I think you should do something beautiful in that room - paint it and spend some time at some nice flea markets or estate sales and get a few things you really love to decorate it up nicely.  Make it a feel good room and move on.  This was, in fact, only (to E) just another minor bump in the road that will be swept aside and forgotten in little time, people like E are survivors and don't loose a great deal of sleep over whether or not Mother had her feelings hurt, but you've absorbed most of the pain and loss of the episode, I think.  And you can probably take it to the bank that E will regroup and be back in the not so distant future when the next crisis erupts in his/her life.  So its even doubly important that you work more at changing 'you' into a person you like more who's not that weak and vulnerable.  I know its hard to do, and we are what we are, as I'm also very tender and vulnerable in spite of all the circumstances in my life that should have molded me otherwise, but it helps to write and read others' stories as you are doing here, and it helps to get yourself moving past painful emotions and memories by just thinking about things that are good and positive in your life, and all of us have positive things in our lives even if at times we have to look a little harder to find them, and its each of our responsibility to make things positive in our lives.  I wish you much much success, and believe that you will have better days ahead.

[C.]

Thanks so much, everyone.  Your words are such a comfort.  What a great idea, Ruth, to make that room a place of beauty and solace.  I'm going to do that!  Might take me a while, but it will be a comfort to think about it even.  I never really liked that rug anyway.    It's a large, peaceful room separate from the house, very quiet out there, and it's been a place of refuge and solace for several of my adult kids passing through difficult times or times of unemployment.  Maybe it's time for me to make it what I want it to be, do some sort of ritual to usher in a new energy too. 
I noticed this morning that E had left a yellow sticky on the refrigerator that said, "How to contact E," and then E's email address which I already have, and E knows that, so I guess that was a way of saying, don't call me, I'll call you.  E did call my daughter today and confirmed E is fine. 
I've been very dark the past couple of days about all of my kids, but to be honest, I do have a close relationship with some of my grown kids.  We got together today for a shower for my daughter who is getting married.  We had so much fun, and my kids who attended were affirming and all said something like, well, you know E, that's how E is, not a surprise.  None of my family members, my own sisters and brothers, their partners, my parents, etc., attended the shower though they were invited.   Another story for another day.  But several people who are just like family to my daughter who is marrying attended, they are such good people, adopted grandmas and aunties who feel like family to all of us really.  My daughter knows them through one of her best friends, a gay man, who is going to be one of her "bridesmaids,"  a "bro-maid", (and who is one of the reasons my family members didn't attend-- they are very religious and do not approve.)  I was thinking as I was at the shower of the way I've focused so much energy on E.  I have kids who are loyal and supportive and that's where my energy needs to go.  I can reach out and connect with the good people who want to be in my life and my kids lives who aren't immediate family.  I also want to continue to spend time with my folks, who are quite old now but still independent.  I've realized along this path with E that I was so unfair to my own parents when I was young and  judged them harshly at times- I regret this so much now, and all along this difficult time with E, I have made it a point to spend good time with my folks, give them the attention and unconditional love and support they always deserved but didn't get from me at some times in my life.  We don't see things the same way, as I say, they are very religious and I am spiritual, but not religious, but as we all get older, that doesn't really seem to matter so much.  I see how much they love to see me and hear from me, just the way I was overjoyed to have E in my life again after a long and difficult absence.  E has chosen a difficult and lonely road and as my daughter who is marrying told me, "Mom, you can't save E."  I know this is so.  It's hard for me to understand in that E really did come to me following a huge wake-up call, having spent four days in jail.  E got bailed out by a friend's mother-- E first called me to bail E out, even though E'd been on a rampage of hatred towards me for years and we had had no contact, but E didn't have my current phone number.  Had the friend's mother not bailed E out, E would have been in jail for some time.  E seemed very contrite and chastened when first we talked and E moved in, and then seemed genuinely humbled, and that continued through the court appearances and the anger management classes and the community service and so on.  But that's all done now, E's gotten a couple of college quarters completed, and it's like E is already forgetting these very recent lessons and is returning to E's old ways of dealing, described very well by you, Ruth, by all of you.  Well, thanks again, so much. 

[luise.volta]

" But that's all done now."

Sounds like you are ready to turn that corner. Good for you!

[C.]

Thanks, Luise.  I keep feeling haunted about one thing.  While E was here, I was not always as responsive as I think E wanted me to be.  It was sort of like E wanted to come back and have everything the way it was before E severed E's relationship with me.  That wasn't possible for me-- I couldn't give myself to E without reservation knowing how things had gone before.  I did try to be as loving and supportive as possible for as long as I could be.  But I wasn't always available for long conversations or for outings, I didn't always want company when I had errands to run (so sometimes I'd just go where I had to go, without inviting E to go along).   Sometimes I just wanted to be alone when I was off work on the weekends.  (I didn't say that to E, I just was kind of unavailable.)   I guess I am just asking for feedback and encouragement here.  I tend to take on way too much responsibility and to feel guilty about everything and to think I should have done more, no matter how much I've done. 

[luise.volta]

My take is we can never be who and what others want us to be. And to make things worse, they keep changing the rules. Adult Children remember when we were there for them day and night...and rightly so because they wouldn't have survived otherwise. Their every move was something we accommodated to...setting ourselves aside. Unfortunately, that's not a template for a lifetime relationship and some of them resent that. You were a whole person before you became a parent...we all were, and it is healthy and normal that we move on to wholeness when our job is done. Our adult children may think our job is never done, not so. They have to job of accepting and developing responsibility for themselves. We did our best, now it's their turn. Of course you weren't the same the second time around...he taught you that it wasn't wise. We can always learn and grow. Sending love...

[Pen]

C, you deserve your own, fabulous life now. (((hugs)))

[Footloose]

C, Warm welcome to our family!

I so know how u feel!  I was there a bit over a year ago but with a lot of help from WWU,my friends and a good shrink, I am on a better path.  One of peace and happiness and acceptance.

When she moved in the last time,you WERE different.  That difference was actually a symptom of your positive and healthy growth, showing your understanding that she could hurt you again or of your ability to enable her continued bad behavior.  You were protecting yourself so you were actually part of the decision instead of making it all about her. Change had already begun!

You said it  below in that u wasted too much love and hurt on her to the point where u did not afford the others who are good to you and themselves your attention.  u and E have been dancing a routine and u are changing the steps.  Her reaction?  "Change back! The old dance is familiar and oddly comforting!" 

This is YOUR time for YOU!  Please print copies of this (fr another Wise Woman)and keep one with you as a reminder of your new path:

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.

You surround yourself with people who make you laugh.

Forget the bad, and focus on the good.

Life is too short to be anything but Happy.

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. 

Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

Don't Take Guilt Trips.  Take a trip to the Mall, a trip to the woods, or a trip to the Beach

[C.]

Your replies have made me cry this morning.  I can't thank you enough!  The past couple of days have been so sad and hard, all the old self-accusations and sadness have been crowding in, I should have done this, I should have done that, and so on.  It's very true-- when E moved back in, I was a different person and much of that had to do with the work I'd done and help I'd sought since the last time I spoke with E (about three years before).   When E first moved back in, (October 7 of last year), I said I was happy for E to come and stay and really wanted to help, and I thought we should talk more in a month, see how it was going and renegotiate then how long E's stay would be.  THAT was a huge step for me!  Just setting that limit and saying we would talk again.  And E seemed fine with it at the time.  In a month we did talk and E then asked to stay to complete E's associates degree.  I agreed to that, with many reservations and fears, since I knew that would likely be a year or so, but E seemed very contrite and really seemed to want reconciliation and to move forward in a good way.  The crisis really came when E received what would be E's last financial aid for this final quarter and then E'd have had the AA.  The plan we'd been talking about was for E to continue to a four year school after that which would have been very easy in all likelihood.  E has a good grade point average and is eligible for good financial aid and would be entering the four year school as a junior.  Suddenly, E wasn't motivated to go to a four year school anymoire, E was applying at warehouses?, wanted to stay at my place longer, find a job, I'd be responsible for transportation until E gets a car, etc., then E'd save for a place.  This was not anything we'd ever discussed previously-- in fact, E had said this had not worked for E in the past, hence the return to school?   But when I opposed this -- and I admit, I was pretty intense in opposing this plan, felt strongly about it, though I was never unkind or mean and said repeatedly I was willing to work on something we could both live with -- that was it, E was gone the next day, no goodbye, no phone call, no email, nothing, gone acrimoniously, as in the past.  Very painful.  Really?  After 11 months and many long, intense conversations and discussions, some VERY intense and meaningful, seemed like, after all that driving around and doing all I could to provide support and seeing you move forward, get past the legal issues, get two quarters of college done, now this?  It really hurts.    Your support and encouragement helps so much, I can't tell you.  Well, you all know.  THANK YOU!

[C.]

Things seemed to go downhill badly before E left when E said something like, that the first time E left home (nine years ago), E had done things incorrectly.  E said E had been working and saving money, and that I had borrowed money from E to pay the mortgage one month.  Although I had paid E back, E said E still should not have loaned the money to me, because that was money E was going to use for a car, and things would have been a lot different had E had a car when E left home the first time, but since I had borrowed money from E, E had not gotten a car.   (Even though I paid E back, so I didn't really totally follow this, but I figured maybe E meant  E had been demoralized by loaning me the money and then having to wait for it to be repaid.)  E's logic was, this time, E should stay at home, save the money for a car, I should  not borrow it and E should not loan it and then E'd get the car E should have had the first time E left home and things would then go smoothly from here on out.  This annoyed me and I told E so.  It seemed manipulative, something like an attempt to obligate me to agree to E's plan, in that E was blaming my having borrowed money from E for E not having had a car, which caused E's earlier departure from home to be difficult, with the final result that E ended up back at home nine years later.   (I did tell E I regretted borrowing money from E, even though I paid it back.)  When I told E this framing upset me, E said that was not E's intention and there must be some other reason for my defensiveness, and then it became all about my defensiveness.  Things did go downhill from there. The craziest thing is, E's had several cars over the past nine years since!  The last car E had, E lost because E got in an accident because E had been drinking, and totaled the car.  E had had it only three or four months and it was a nice, late model vehicle.  E did not have insurance and got a DUI.  This is the reason E ended up needing to stay with me, this DUI shortly after having been arrested for an altercation with E's abusive ex which resulted in E having to spend four days in  jail.  Somehow, all of that is erased. 

[luise.volta]

C - He isn't going to clutter anything up with logic...just entitlement. My take is that it's best not to continue to labor over trying to make sense of the senseless.