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I just don't get it...

Started by Bethe, September 03, 2013, 11:51:00 AM

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freespirit

When my children were little, I didn't have any relatives near me. I would have given up a year of chocolate cake to have had a sweet grandmother come over  once in a while and play with the children.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

fantine

freespirit, I am in exactly the situation you describe. We only get to see our family about 1x yr, and that is if we all work hard and save our money for the very expensive flights. sigh ----- but you have to go to where the job takes you . . . . .

freespirit

Maybe putting up a flyer in the local grocery store," Seeking to adopt a grandmaw"...(or something like that), may turn out to be a wonderful experience. Of course it's needless to say,..do this with only the utmost precautions. ;)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Ruth

Hello Bethe.  I think I get what you're saying.  Its almost like what parents feel when one of their children passes away, and they are afraid of changing the room and putting anything away, because they feel this is all they have left of their children and they think it somehow keeps them connected.  It becomes a stronghold in the thinking.  I believe I had the same situation as you describe.  When a person has suffered a great great deal of pain, they become acutely sensitized to the pain, and afraid of any movement at all, just the smallest movement causes intense fear.  It is fear of losing what one has, or had, because that feels intolerable to a tortured mind, if even what one had was undesirable and distressing, still there is that need to not let go.  Well, it is a toughie and all I can say is that it takes time.  don't worry about the apologizing here.  I think most people on this forum are also rescue pets.  When you've been hurt again and again you begin to have more nerve endings that are sensitive to pain I think, maybe all this sounds crazy and I'm floundering around.  The prescription is the same for all of us however.  We have to reclaim our lives and little by little find some people we can enjoy and trust and find some activities and interests that give us some joy aside from focusing on the bad relationship with have with our children and the many losses in our lives.  One person mentioned being a surrogate gm to some other children.  Life is full of opportunities to do this.  Try church preschools, day care centers, etc., who are just thrilled to have some one come in a read, hold, help feed, etc.  They will sweep you in.  There are other things such as GALs but that is stressful and maybe not the best thing right now, but keep trying and read and post here.  It really does help and you have to be patient with yourself as it took a long time to evolve into this place and the journey is equally long going back in the other direction.  best wishes.

OzzysMom

Bethe,

I too am going thru the same thing with my grown son (34).   About a month ago, he also told me that I am "dead to him."   He also said "you have no grandchildren."   Probably the worst words a mother can hear from her child.

I have decided to LET GO.    This doesn't mean that I am giving up on being his mother or loving him, but I am letting him go from my life.  He has crossed my Red Line and I do not have to take it anymore.  I am choosing to focus on my life and surrounding myself with people who treat me right. 

It is a daily battle to stay focused so I try to keep busy.   I want my life to go on and I want to be happy - even without my son and grandkids.   I wish you hope and strength in the days ahead.   Stay close to your friends, your work and your faith.