Dear daughte

[Willow]

I am thankful for this sight coming up on a google search as I searched for help with a DD.
I have been in a struggle with her for some time now. While raising her, the only time I had serious face-offs would be when I had to say no. She was a good kid so most requests were a 'yes.' She married while finishing college and they wanted children right away. She asked me to quit my job and keep the baby.
I actually had plans of starting school.
Needless to say, I felt guilty and she made sure of that would be the way I responsed.
Long story short, I kept her first for four years.She decided to be a stay at home mom when her second was born, so I was released from my babysitting responsibility, (that I did enjoy btw, though my husband did not, for he wanted me to contribute to our finances).
I started and finished school and began a business.I had some health issues that demanded I close the business and come home to heal. DD saw this as an opportunity for a free sitter and by now she has three children and my son now had three children.
It was  daily phone calls and verbal attacks about my not wanting to keep the children and faking my illnesses. For example, on one occasion I had what was thought to be a heart attack-I was admitted into the hospital. She was contacted and she chose to go to the lake verses come to the hospital. She called that afternoon and her words were, "What all you'll do to get out of keeping children."
Days later, she called and was complaining of her husband having to come get a tool from our house we had borrowed from them. This all just iced a cake that was baking inside of me, and I said that we will come get the three tools you've borrowed when you're done and we will be even.
She went bolistic and said that those items were my husbands and I was not to call over there again and ask about them...it was wild. I raised my voice and said that her father's tools are mine as well.
Needless to say her husband brought all the borrowed stuff back the next day. They won't borrow anything now, and its been three years. I did ask her forgiveness for saying too much that day, though she did not return the same nor act as though she accepted my apology.       
I say all of that to say this.
Three weeks ago, I had her children come and stay with me and for 4 days. I then asked for them to come back the following week for an evening, inviting her to take a nice date night with her husband and told them what time to be back to pick them up. On her evening out, she had gotten an idea about a trip she wanted to take within the next few days and wanted me to keep her children for 3 days, presenting this new idea in front of everyone present. I had to say I wasn't sure if that would work, for I had plans for her children and my son's in that time slot -that very day she wanted to leave on her new trip idea.
She was angry and I quietly said she has been able to do so much more then I ever have and to be grateful. That's when she said she would never want to be like me.
I let it go, though her husband and childen were hearing her angry words as they all marched and loaded up in their car to leave.
I waited three days-and called her. I explained to her what I meant by the words, "you've done more then I have, and be grateful"...I thought that statement through after the fact, realizing it could be taken in many ways.
I explained to her that her anger could be perceived as an insult to her husband and his provision for her, when she acted as though she had nothing and got nothing. Well, that's when she started yelling.
I am the one that hasn't done anything for her. He has done plenty-and he has. She recalled the incident 3 years ago and said that I was mean when I called her to get our tools back and attacked her. She went on to say that is why she wasn't close to me anymore because I have been mean and talked to her ugly and so on...just two weeks before this place we are in now, (the week I had her children) she was calling me and talking to me intimately about her sadness and disappointments- how she wished for things they couldn't buy or have and even cried. She is 35 years old. They are doing well.
My question is-what do I do?
In this stand-off, she took on my role in all the conflicts and put her behaviors on me. Let me say it another way. I have been calling her and harassing her, I called demanding the tools back, I always talk to her mean- She went into detail of all the things I had done or not done for her or to her, since my health issues had started 3 years prior, and what was scary for me-?she accused me of the very actions that she had been guilty of toward me.
When I set boundaries because of her hurtful actions, she got worse. I expected that, but how do you handle this situation? When someone tells you that their very behaviors and their words were yours? She has convinced her husband and his family that I'm mistreating her and it's just the opposite. I am a recovering pleaser and hate conflict. I will bend over backwards to get along with anyone. I ask nothing of her but respect at this point. So why would I call her and mistreat her?
Its scary to me...I don't know how to handle her.
This probably doesn't even make sense. It helped writing it out, though.

[Stilllearning]

Greetings willow!  I am sorry you had to find us but glad you did.  Try to remember that the only power that someone else has over your happiness is the power you give them.  It may be time to take back the power that you have entrusted to your DD.  Focus on the things in your life that make you happy. 

[Didi.lost]

Welcome Willow.  Sorry you are going through this.

I thought you were talking about my DD.  Same story here.  My DD does the exact same thing to me.  It's scary.
She says I am everything that she is and she is doing.  Unreal how they manipulate us isn't it.  I got heck if I
couldn't babysit too among a hundred other things.

I set hard boundaries with her now because every encounter I have with her is very abusive.  My health could not take it so I had to stop talking to her. 

You have no control over your DD.  Like mine, she's an adult in their 30's.  You can only control yourself and take care of your own peace of mind.  What she does is about her not you.  It's ok to save yourself.

I wish you the best and come back her and talk anytime you want to feel better.  We are here for you.

[Sunny]

Welcome Willow, and I hope you find some comfort here. There are many of us with similiar stories- you are not alone.

I have to say, as I read your story my stomach began to knot up. I have also been on the receiving end of the sort of psychological warfare your daughter practices.  It has an actual name, this practice of creating a false reality by twisting situations and changing the facts so the other person becomes completely confused and starts to doubt themselves in every way. It is known as gaslighting, and is a time honoured way of making someone quite crazy.

My own daughter is a master of gaslighting. It had a terrible effect on me.

I think in the end what you do in regards the relationship with your daughter depends on how close to the end of being able to cope you are. By the time I arrived here I had got to the end of my ability to take any more abuse from my daughter and I exited the relationship. All the best as you work out the right path ahead for you.

[Pooh]

Sunny, I modified your post and removed the Physiology today content.  Do you have a link to the article?  We are not allowed to repost parts of an article due to copyright laws, but you can post a link to the article. (and I really liked it).

Welcome Willow.  When you get a moment, please read the highlighted posts under "Open Me First".  It's our forum rules and guidelines.  Nothing wrong with your post, just something we ask all new members to do.

Your DD sounds like a good manipulator.  That's what I call people who will do anything and say anything, even skewing reality to get their way, without any thought to the other person.  It sounds like you have set some boundaries for what is acceptable and she doesn't like it.  I know that's not easy to deal with but the only person that can change her...is her.  She chose to have 3 children, you didn't and you don't "owe" her babysitting.  I think babysitting is nice when you want to do it and when you volunteer or are asked and it fits in your schedule, but you should not be expected to be at her beck and call.   

[Willow]

I did read the info before writing, so hoping I am not violating any rules in my posts.
I thank you all for taking the time to share and encourage me in this. It has comforted already. I read your replies and weep. I don't feel so alone right now.
It probably goes without saying that the loss of relationship with the grandchildren makes this situation that much more painful.
I will research gas lighting and thank you for that term. I am amazed there is an actual name for this. I really have no idea how to put myself first and seek my happiness. I have some work to do it seems. I haven't pursued my own happiness since I married many years ago.
How grateful I am for you all! What a wonderful place to find strength!

[jdtm]

 

I really have no idea how to put myself first and seek my happiness. I have some work to do it seems. I haven't pursued my own happiness since I married many years ago.

Willow - I totally get this.  For years I overestimated my "ability" to make others happy.  I thought it was my "duty" to make my parents' lives easier; my children's lives stress free; my single friends' lives less empty; the local church/charity functions successful; even my job demanded too much and, of course, I gave more than necessary - the only person who never "asked" from me was my husband - the one (along with me) who should have been first. 

I'm starting to put "us" first.  I rebel slowly - I don't always return telephone calls, I am unavailable (sometimes) to babysit, I am too busy to accommodate inconsiderate/self-centered requests from single friends, and I do not offer to help with church/charity functions unless I really support the event.  It's hard, but wonder of wonders, they're all getting along without me (and I without them).  Cheers ....

[herbalescapes]

Never try to interact rationally with someone throwing a temper tantrum.  Doesn't matter if they are 5, 15, 35 or 75.  Facts have no bearing to the temper tantrum thrower.  I don't know how to give you the perfect solution since you have GC involved.  It's easy to say back out of the relationship, but that means (probably) no contact with the GC.  Many people on this site will tell you how they reached the point where even the GC weren't reason enough to continue in a toxic relationship with an AC.  Maybe you've reached that point.  Maybe you haven't.  I wish I had more to offer than Good Luck.

[Willow]

Much appreciation to you for your thoughts and sharing your lives...it comforts and helps.