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no longer welcome

Started by frances, August 20, 2013, 08:12:38 AM

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My DIL told my ds to tell me that I am no longer welcome at there house anymore after I let my gd walk barefooted outside. I have not talked to any of them for 2 weeks now. My ds said it would be best if we come to your house for now on but I can't see that happening. I really don't know how to handle this, I am in shock and very hurt. How would you handle this?


Welcome Frances, but sorry you had to find us.  Please take a moment to read the highlighted posts under "Open Me First".  They are the forum rules and such.  Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to do this.

I wish I could give you an easy answer.  They only thing you can do is abide by their wishes and let your DS know you are fine with them coming to your house and see if he follows through.  I'm not sure I quite understand what the difference is for DIL as a child can be barefoot anywhere.  Did they ask you to not let GD walk barefooted outside before this?  I'm trying to understand why it was such a big deal and couldn't have been handled by simply asking you not to do that again.  Of course, that's what many of us have ran into.  No communication and no conversation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Welcome - I don't do well with messages from other people that are delivered by a third party. Your son is OK with it? I agree with Pooh, that you need to know more. Yes, she is an adult and the parent...but...what's going on?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


It sounds to me like you were bound to have some sort of issue with your DIL.  For anyone to go to such extremes over something so simple and easily corrected says tons about your DIL and her control issues and possibly her fears.  I take it that the GD is their first child and is fairly young?  When we have children (especially first ones) we tend to believe that we can do everything right.  You know, be a perfect parent (because our parents messed up so bad, LOL), raise a perfect child and life will be just rosy.  That first child usually shatters that little bubble.  Some time, sooner or later your GD will display some horrible trait (normal of course but horrible for the 'perfect child' to display) like biting or bullying or something.  Trust me, the sooner this happens the better for both the child and the parents.  Hopefully when this happens your DIL and DS will cut both themselves and you a break by facing the fact that you can never do everything right.

So, for now I would back off.  Your DS and DIL have lessons to learn and your GD is well equipped to teach them.  My first GC arrived a week ago and to be honest, I am looking forward to some attitude changes from their parents too.  Good luck to both of us!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


I'd say there has to be more to this, but sometimes there isn't.  Some people do go to extremes over the simplest thing.  If they are willing to come to your house, I wouldn't make a battle about not going to their's.  you can't make them welcome you into their home.  If you do, it could easily spiral into an all-out family schism.  Maybe, just maybe, DIL is the type to overreact initially, but in a few weeks or months, it blows over. If your real aim is to maintain a relationship with GD/DS, focus on that rather than the locale.  Easier said than done, I know, but try.  Good luck.


   I am not welcome in my DILs home either... NOR is she welcome in mine.  My son however brings his kids over to see me.. it works out well for everyone concerned.   I'm sorry you are going through this.. but it looks like someone was just looking for an excuse to draw the battle lines.  I wouldn't fight it. 


Cordially invite DS, DIL & GD to your house from now on. DIL will probably not show, but enjoy the time with your DS & GD anyway. I'm sorry you're going through this. Welcome to the site; you're not alone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


That just seems so weird - over one little thing.  Are there more issues that you guys have encountered in the past?

I think the other posts are dead on.

If this is really the only thing that they've ever said to you or had an issue with - then it is bizarre and doesn't make sense to most people.  Maybe time will help them to figure out that having you in the child's life is so much more important than a silly issue of bare feet  on grass.

Sorry for your pain - it hurts when your intentions are so good and you can't win for losing :(....