Should I reply to this email from my DIL?

[MagicGram]

I think I would respond; I know it's a minefield and everyone is touchy right now, but I agree with Scoop that this is repairable--she's BEGGING for a relationship between you and the children.  And she sent an email, which is her preferred way of communication.  It's got it's bad points, and it's good points; nevertheless it's how she wants to communicate.  And frankly can things get much worse?

Put a lot of kindness into it and respond to everything.  She took the time to write it, so show you have taken the time to read and consider it.

This is the email my DIL sent to me. It is all I can do to even read it.  The facts she stated are not correct. We didn't hang up on her.
[My comment: 'hanging up' on someone can be defined in different ways.  If you said abruptly, "I can't talk anymore, good-bye", click, and hung up without letting her respond, she has a legitimate case for saying you hung up on her and you have a legitimate case for saying you didn't.  Generally, both parties get to say their good byes.  You admit you were upset and abrupt and it very likely came off as rude.]

We have spent 2 Christmas' there, I have photos! [This is good!]

Her trying to make us a family is all about her always trying to control us.
[Don't go there, it can profit you nothing, is probably untrue, will only make you unhappy; will certainly make her and your son unhappy. It's an odd comment, how is being a family about controling you?  Do you feel smothered, do you not want much contact with them?  So you assume that since you are older, all the effort should be on the younger generation and none of you?  I find it a strange comment,]

She never stays at our home when she comes to visit her friends. [This is not a big deal. She's more comfortable with her friends; if she were more comfortable with you, likely they would stay with you.]

She has never called us just to say hello or how are you.
[Be honest; how often does your son pick up the phone and just call his motherinlaw to say, "howdy, how are you all doing, just calling to see how your day went?"  I'm guessing not once.  He's probably perfectly lovely when he picks up the phone and they are on the other line and asks about them, but probably he's never just called to chit chat.  So why expect her to?  And it sounds like she'd welcome calls from you.] 

In fact she NEVER calls here ever.  My son used to but not anymore. He is stuck in the middle.
[You are assuming you know why your son doesn't call.  He may be busy, or he may not want to.  Nobody is ever 'stuck in the middle'.   That he doesn't call may mean that he isn't stuck in the middle, but that he's taken a side.  Who knows?  But it's dangerous for you to assume you know why another adult does what she or he does.]

I so want to reply to this, but am also just letting things cool down.  Has anyone had any experience with this?   [I think it's wise to let things cool down, but don't wait too long.  It might be wise to send a short polite note—but she might feel dismissed.  Or you can send a longer note and risk offending further.  Or not reply at all, and risk offending her and making her feel dismissed.  Or try to take it on a more personal level, the phone, but risk getting stirred up and causing more trouble.]

This is how **I** would answer.  But I want to stress it's only me and my experiences with people and younger people and my own comfort with risk and my limited understanding of your situation.  No one can tell you definitively how you should respond, because no one here knows the whole story , what hasn't been said, what previous hurts are feeding into this and because no one else will face the consequences, good or bad.  You are going to have to go with your gut.

But here's an alternative suggestion.

The crazy thing about the two of you is you can't even talk and work things out.  [I would love to work things out, and maybe I'm not good at talking.  Thank you for giving me another chance; maybe we can find more understanding and empathy for one another through the written word.  It might be a clearer way to resolve our differences.  I appreciate you reaching out again and trying.]

You hung up on me March 25th and now you both do on May 17th. [I am sorry I hung up on you in March and in May.  I may have been too abrupt. I should have given you an opportunity to say good bye properly.  I was upset and need to govern my actions more calmly when I'm upset.  I do not wish to be rude to you; I regret it and hope you will forgive me, and I will be more considerate in how I end phone calls in the future, even when I'm upset.  Neither of us deserves rudeness.]

You are both unbelievable.  I don't know how you do it but how dare you make my husband feel guilty for the kind of son he is. 
[Note to poster:  this is the most interesting part of her email, IMHO.  While it is really not her business how you treat your own son, it does affect her if you are hurting her husband, making him feel bad, trying to guilt him into compliance.   If you are using guilt to try to get your son to do what you want, you are playing a very dangerous game.  You will likely win a battle or two, but eventually you will lose the war.  This works on the young, but breeds resentment, and truthfully, the older your son gets, the less likely it will work.  If you use guilt to manipulate your son, it may be why he doesn't call anymore.  No one signs up for guilt trips. No one enjoys feeling guilty.  You do NOT want your son to associate you with guilt; this will backfire.  Not saying you use guilt, but if you do, you will be sorry eventually.  While it's not her business, I would acknowledge her statement with something like, "I am saddened and appalled that my son feels guilty about me.  I will have to think about this; it didn't occur to me I was having that affect on him.  Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention." If indeed you use guilt as a weapon, it will only win you points to admit it (just as you win a point every time you say thank you to her).  If you do use guilt, add something like, "I have used guilt in the past, and am not proud of it.  I feel helpless and am behaving in ways I myself don't admire.  I will speak with my son about this. I owe him an apology."]

My husband the most amazing person I have ever met. He is the most amazing father, husband, grandson, friend, employer and employee. 
[I agree, when I think of what a fine man he's grown to become, it takes my breath away. ]   

I think it is amazing what we he has done with his life with the type of guidance he has had.
[Note: there's clearly an issue here, and your DIL is not making it up in her head.  The only way she knows what 'type of guidance' your son has had, is because he's told her unflattering things about his growing up and your parenting.  Quite frankly, everyone of our children have these stories,  mine included, and you might as well 'fess up to them.  We have all had parenting days we regret and have all made bad parenting decisions.  What likely happened, and I'm just guessing, is you son has told her some stories that hurt him growing up and she, loving him and likely to have been exposed to a different set of parental incompetencies, is indignant on his behalf.  Her parents never did that to her!!!!  (but they did other things wrong, guaranteed).  Your son sees her indignation, realizes her parents/other parents handle the issue differently (but doesn't realized those other parents messed up in other areas you excelled at) and got indignant too.  This attitude is pure arrogance on her part—especially as she doesn't have grown children who are capable of criticizing her parenting yet and doesn't have a clue as to what she's talking about.  It would not be a bad idea to take a big breath and admit that you were not always the parent you hoped to be, that you intended to be.  It saddens your heart that you in any way caused your son unhappiness, and you would like to hear what he has to say about this.  And you agree he is the most amazing father, husband grandson, friend, employer, employee, AND son (notice how she left that out)]

The way you spoke to him tonight is completely unacceptable.  You both put yourself in this position...NO ONE ElSE!!!!
[You need to be honest here, if you were nasty to your son, you need to own up to it and apologize.  Being upset only goes so far as an explanation, it's not an excuse to be nasty.  It sounds like your DIL wrote this email shortly after you 'hung up on her' and with your words ringing in her ears.  If those words were unkind, own it and apologize.  As to what 'position' you are in, can you elaborate?  Are you in the position of feeling neglected, left out, and disliked?  What position is she referring to?  If you don't know, ignore this line.  If you do know, admit that you are in an comfortable position, have painted yourself into a corner and ask her how you can fix it.  What do you have to lose?]

It is amazing to me that you think it is acceptable for a good grandparent to call once every two months. [This is wonderful, tell her you'd love to call more often, but don't want to impose.  Would once a week be too often; you'd love to call once a week!  How long should the call be, you don't want to be a bother.  Would half hour once a week be okay?  Or every other week?  Please let you know, you feel wonderful and grateful that she would encourage phone calls. Thank you (remember you get a point for every time you can thank her)].

  The best part of this all is when you hung up on me March 25th you made it very clear to let me know you have two sons. 
[I'm assuming you said something to the effect that you have two sons but it feels like you only have one?  I'm going to take the worse case possible here: that you are being needy and whiny about how much attention your son her husband is showing you.  Neediness pushes people away; it's ironic that when we express how much we need attention, we end up getting less of it.  I'm not saying you have been acting needy here, just that this comment of hers along with the comment about making him feel guilty, suggests it.  If it's not the case, ignore the following.  But if you have been needy and pushy and using guilt, own up to it.  Generally other people recognize it in us before we see it in ourselves; we are caught with the chocolate on our faces and it's hard to repair because once people have been subjected to neediness, they put up thick defenses.  It's smothering and a bit scary to be the object of someone else's neediness.  Own up to it and say upon reflection you realize you've been acting needy.  If you can figure out a reason for it, state what the reason is (show insight), if you don't know, you can say you are having trouble adjusting to the change in family structure, and are going to consider talking to someone about it.  In any case, for you own benefit, look up neediness on the internet and see if it applies to you.  If it doesn't, freely ignore everything I've written.]

The funny thing you forgot is you have 5 grandkids.  I have sent at least 6 sets of pictures and you have not responded to one. 
[If this is true, apologize for your rudeness and oversight and tell her now how much you appreciate them.  Thank her for them.  Discuss the pictures and how cute they were.  She thought they were cute and shared them with you.  This is something you can use to build a bridge of empathy with.] 

Yet on facebook you talk about all your other grandkids and comment on how cute they are.
[The previous poster who said you should use as an excuse for this is brilliant.  Say you withheld mentioning them and posting their pictures because you were reluctant without parental permission.  You'd love to brag about her children too.  If she gives permission, post her children's pictures and brag about them every bit as much as the other grandchildren.  Parents are sensitive to slights to their children.  Worse yet, children themselves are sensitive to it.  You must never ever show favoritism, display the same about of pictures of all grandchildren on the walls, notice their celebrations with the same level of gifts and attention, etc...]

[MagicGram]

Since the day I have met your son it is ALWAYS us going out of our way to be part of your family.  When you lived 10 minutes from us it was ALWAYS us planning the family dinners or stopping by or asking you guys over.  It was us that always got everyone together for holiday birthdays and more.
[A rule of thumb in life is 'always' and 'never' are almost always inaccurate.  In fact, later in her email, she likely contradicts this statement when she says the first Christmas after they moved they flew back to your house for Christmas and implies it was at your wish...which means you very likely initiated that event.  However, <heavy sigh> she's not interested in facts, she's telling you that she feels like they've made all the effort...and she's telling you that they don't feel like they are important to you—and that's the real truth of her statement.  Speak to that hurt.  And do some soul searching.  Is that true?  Have they done the majority of initiating social contact?  And why is that?  Do you feel shy inviting them or awkward in their company?  Are you less socialable (this is tricky, because people have different social needs: introverts are drained by too much socializing, extroverts thrive on it.  If you are an introvert, you may find yourself often on the defensive (I'm an introvert), and if that's the case, explain that carefully.  If you socialize often, just not with them when they lived near, you do need to come up with a reason.  Your DIL is telling you that she wants more contact with you, and you need to negotiate a level of contact and intimacy that you can both live with.  It may be that you have also noticed that your expectations or social needs are different and are hurtful but you are not sure why, only that there are mismatched needs that don't indicate level of love or acceptance, but only reflect personal preferences or problems. If you aren't sure what the problem is, say so.  But I think you need to address this issue.  She says in several different ways in this email: we feel like we are less, we feel unimportant, we feel second class—and if you ignore the issue, or don't respond to her email, you will intensify this feeling.  Be careful of the feeling—if it is the truth—that you want to see more of your son and grandchildren, and less of her.  I think it's a natural reaction to a difficult relationship, but it's one she will pick up on and be offended about.  It's a puzzling problem: you complain she never calls you, she complains you never visit and never call her.  You clearly both want to connect; and you both clearly feel disconnected.  So what's the real problem here?  It's essential to answer this.]

Since we have moved it is us mostly going out of our way and how often do the two of you visit.  My husband works so hard and we have kids with events and I work and part of the school system.  For you to travel here definitely makes more sense but I forgot it is just your grandkids. [Again she's telling you, they feel unimportant to you.  And here you have differing problems: she has no time to travel, and you have no money.  It's important to let them know that it's only the lack of money that prevents you from visiting, not lack of interest.]

As I stated  4 ½ years ago, you and I had a conversation where you promised you would change and make a point to be a family.  I promised to be here with open arms and give you a chance to change....well you failed.
[This is an interesting couple of sentences also.  What was this conversation  years ago?  Why and how did you promise to change?  These sentences seem to imply that you have acknowledged in the past that you didn't make efforts for the family.  Is she right you did not keep your promises?  If so, you need to acknowledge that you failed and why.  It may be that you just are not as family oriented as she is or wants you to be.  You have the right to be what you are, and some people are not particularly family or children oriented.  There is no shame in this, but it's important to be honest.  She's accusing you of breaking your promises, and you need to address the issue head on; it won't go away, and she's not going to forget.  She wants something from you; do you know what it is (and don't be dismissive and bitter saying things like, she just wants to lead me around by the nose) and you want something from her, can you be clear and concise? (not I just want everyone to get along).   Maybe you don't want much from her, just your son and grandson.  Maybe you want exactly what she wants.  The point is, there's this vagueness as to what everyone's expectations are.  You need to know.  Maybe it's something as simple as you want the same level of contact but each want the other to intiate.]

Your granddaughter barely knows who you guys are and that is only your fault because she knows who GG is and her Aunt.  You have two of the most amazing loving grandchildren I have ever met who would love you day in and out and actually do.  When you are around them you are great with them it just amazes me that you are fine with seeing them and talking to them the amount that you only do.
[Again she's telling you, she and her family feel neglected. And she's telling you, pay attention to us, we are worth it!  Please acknowledge that they are wonderful.  She is hurt that you don't seem, from where she stands, to care about her beautiful children.  And she gave you a wonderful compliment, that you are a great grandmother.  Thank her for saying that.]

When we first moved here it was soooo important that you had your first Christmas in your house.   Four days after we moved into our house we made sure we flew there for that.
[I am amazed that she would do this for you.  That was a real labor of love.  I don't know that I'd do that for my own mother on her death bed.  Please recognize that whatever else you may feel about her, she did this for you because you wanted it and it was at great inconvience to herself.  You can never say she didn't try to please you.]

You both have NEVER been here for a holiday even though we invite you every year...but don't worry we understand what is important.
[Ignore the snarky comment, she's just unscoring yet again, that they feel unloved and unwanted and unimportant.  That's why you MUST address the issue if you want to repair the relationship.  She feels it very strongly, and she got that feeling from something (no, she was not born with it.  It's related to how you and your husband have acted—not that I'm saying you have acted with malice, only that there is a strong misunderstanding and hurt).  I think it's okay to attach some of those pictures you have of the two Christmases you spent at their home and say that you do not understand that statement, your memory is that you were there in 200X and 200Y and had a lovely time and treasure these pictures and would love to visit again during the holidays, but are limited by finances.]

I for 14 years have worked hard to make sure we were all a family.  I knew you had no girls so when I was getting married I made sure you were part of the dress selection.  I have always tried to make you both part of our life.  [This is very kind of her, thank her for it].

I have always made sure the kids call and do stuff but I have to say I am DONE.  Every few months you both do something to disappoint me by the type of parent or grandparent you are.  I only get more upset by the things I do.  [What are some of the things you are doing that disappoint her.  I'm not saying they are wrong or that you should stop doing them, only do you understand what she considers disappointments.  I'm thinking from her email she considers not calling the grandchildren a disappointment.  Laying a guilt trip on her husband a disappointment. Not thanking her for sending pictures a disappointment.  Writing about your other grandchildren but not those by her is a disappointment.  What else?  It's important that you know and address the issues, because she's clear that she's at her limit; and while you may not appreciate what she's doing for you, you may miss it if she stops.  And you may not care anything about her, but only about what your son thinks, and yet, it's clear that he shares her feelings to a certain extent.  Remember it's his kids' pictures you are not thanking him for, his kids activities you aren't sharing with your friends on Facebook, his kids you aren't calling but every other month.]

It is funny you know since the day of our son's birth you have always gotten me a mothers day card but not this one. 
[Is it true, this is the first Mday you haven't sent her a card?  Not that you owe her one, she's not your mother, but if you always sent one until this year, what makes this year different?  If it's a passive aggressive move on your part to show her how little you think of her, I think you made a mistake.  She cares about things like that, and if you can't visit and don't make calls, and don't thank her for pictures of the kids, and now won't even send a card, she's right to think you are being unfriendly. If you are being childish, admit it and apologize.]
I know I am an awful daughter in law by helping my husband and grammie make there wishes come true and have her be here for a couple months to spend amazing time with her great grandkids, and grandkids.  I was in shock that day you were able to make it about you and cause an argument at a time like this but I have learned that is who you are. 
[Grammie gets to decide where grammie wants to be.  You should not be making a fuss about it.  I assume this is not even your mother.  But if it is, it's grammie's decision.  You should not involve yourself in arguments about her.  It would do you well to apologize for it. I'm assuming they did not kidnap gremmie in the middle of the night and are not holding her there against her will.]
In the last few months I have sent numerous pictures of the children and events with not ONE response so that to me shows that you do not care.  Why should I keep sending you pictures there is not one response.
[I think that's a legitimate question.  Perhaps you do not want pictures? If they are unwelcome, you should tell her that.  If they are welcomed, you should thank her every time.  It takes more effort for her to send them than for you to telephone or email your thanks]  I was taught and raised with family members when you get a gift and cards you pick up the phone and call and say thank you kind of a personal thing to do.  Funny I don't think that is how you raised your family so I thought I would play by your rules...how does it feel? [I'm not sure I understand the 'how does it feel' comment unless you sent her something, she didn't thank you and you complained.  It's such a small thing for family harmony to thank someone for their trouble and generosity; unless you don't want the items and attention, then say so.]

Last it is funny that you hung up on me the truth must hurt sometimes.  It is about my kids 100% and that is why I am done.  I am not going to have you treat my children the way that your son was treated.  When my kids graduate college I expect the people that love him to be there.  When special moments are part of their life I expect them to be there.
[Again and again she tells you they do not feel important to you.  This is your responsibility.  You can probably think of things you can do that will alleviate this very sad feeling.  If you cannot, ask.  Ask straight out, "I have the feeling that you don't feel loved and valued by us.  What are the things we can do to show you we care."  If they list ten things do them, why not?  If you cannot because you cannot afford them, say "We can't afford to visit at Christmas, but we can skype or web cam."  And then do the other things on the list.  Unless you really don't care, in which case, it's only kindness to say gently that you are not comfortable or interested in the same level of family involvement she is, but you are comfortable with 3 calls a year and one visit every 5 years.  It may hurt a bit at first, but it will adjust her expectations to what she can reasonably look forward from you.]

And when you tell my son you are going to be at one of his basketball games(yes you did and he keeps asking when) I expect you to keep your word.  [This is a legitimate complaint of her part.  You should keep your promises to children.  And if it was a misunderstanding, if you said, "I'd like to come to one of your games" and he thought it meant you would come, you need to straighten that out with him.   And maybe send him a camera so he can have a friend take pictures of him playing basketball and you put them up on Facebook for everyone to see.]

It is about my husband to because I care for him and love him and think the world of him so NO ONE is going to treat him how you did tonight.  Funny if you think about it you did the same tonight.  [Again I'm not sure what you said to your son just before DIL wrote this email, but it had a very negative effect, and you need to fix it. ]

You can be part of my kids life but it will be with you making the effort.  It needs to be two ways and you need to earn my trust and faith back if you think I am going to participate. [The ball is in your court and IMO if you ignore this email, you are going to lose big time; she has had it.]

I am an amazing person, mom, daughter, friend and have been the most amazing daughter in law but I am done being used. [I think you should acknowledge that she is an amazing person.  And I think it would be a wonderful healing thing if you even expanded on it and give instances of how you have noticed the wonderful things she has done and how amazing she is.] 

My own family has never hung up on me or speak to me the way the two of you have. [Apologize for being rude].

I would like to end this by saying my parents raised me with lots of values and lessons.  One important is to always let people in and to forgive with open arms.  I will always make sure you are part of my childrens life but I will not go out of my way for a long time that trust and guarantee will need to be earned back.
[I'm not sure what she means by guarantee, but she's pretty exasperated, and is just about done until you respond.  Of course, you don't have to respond, but think about what that would mean.  Are you ready for less than what you have right now from your son and DIL?]

[Pooh]

  She alienated him from his friends first by calling him 10 times an hour when he would be at their houses and one time even just showed up at a guys night (there was about 10 of them that would gather up at different houses every weekend and play Halo.) ...  If he went to play golf with his brother, dad and grandpa, she would call 20 times.  Then she went and took golf lessons and announced she was going with them from now on.

Actually, in this case I'm on your DIL's side.  Your son has no business going out EVERY weekend playing Halo with his friends; occasionally yes, but every weekend is just too much.  And add in that he's also going shopping with his mom and playing golf with his dad and brothers--well then, when is he spending time with her?  Fun time, not household chores and work and making dinner.  She made an effort to learn his interests when she learned golf, that's a positive thing. 

Being married is not the same as being single; he should be spending the fun times of his life with her, not with his boyhood friends and his family.  On occasion yes, but not every weekend.  I feel sorry for her.

You are correct MG that he should be spending fun times with her.  And he always did.  He would spend every evening with her until about ten oclock and all day Sunday. (6 of 7 days).  Saturdays, he kept up the tradition of spending time with family during the day (golf, shopping, house projects, etc.) and then in the evenings, they would switch around to different homes and play Halo.  There were about 5 households that took turns hosting them, fixing a big pot of chili or something and letting them play for the evening (all High School age boys).  This was during the time they were dating and he was still in High School, not now that they are married. 

I totally agree with you that during the wedding plans and marriage that he should devote most of spare time to her.  And just the occasional outing with friends or family would be appropriate.  I was just giving some background on how she was very controlling, even when they were teenagers and just dating.  Now that they are married, his friends are gone from the picture because of the scenes when they were dating.  And although she is included in all family invitations 98% of the time, the men in the family have stopped asking him to go do a "guys" outing (golf, fishing, etc.)because she pitches a fit if she can't go. 

And I am not putting all the blame on her.  I blame my son for cutting all his ties with friends, his brother and most of the family.  It was his choice to make. 

Thank you for your response and I appreciate your insight.

[Pooh]

Also, I am a firm believer that even after marriage, Men need "guy" time and Women need "girl" time every once in awhile.  I love my time with my girlfriends and Mom just getting our nails done, shopping, or a dinner out just as much as my husband loves his "guy" time riding roadbikes or going to the range.  My husband and I get along very well and enjoy each other's company very much, but still need interaction outside of the marriage.  What was that old song?  How can I miss you if you never go away?  Hee hee.

[luise.volta]

Yup, for me it's a survival technique! When Val and I married 21 years ago, I told him I liked to go on RV retreats with my sort of daughter. I didn't want my marriage to become my identity. He happily agreed... probably because before we married he would have agreed to anything! 

Then the first time we went, he had an identity crisis!  But we worked though it to our mutual advantage.

[Pooh]

Love the saying "survival technique".  My hubby is great about letting me be an individual.  We both would go every once in a while with friends and do something for a few hours.  But then I had to go out of town for a week for a work conference and I thought he was going to have a heart attack.  He said later that he never would have dreamed that he would worry so much about someone and it was the worse week of his life.  His words were, "I am having withdrawals."  Not that he would even suggest I didn't go, but it was nice to know he missed me that much.

[luise.volta]

Yeah, that's what Val did the first time we went. He told me he wandered from room to room just like he did right after his first wife died. He ever said..."I felt like a widower again..." But then he added... "...and I decided I needed to get a life!' 

(P.S. - Some guys think "get a life" freely translated is "get a wife!" 

[Pooh]

Oh bless his heart.  What a good man!

[stilltryen]

Absolutely nothing to be sorry about.  You are a great help.  You offer great insight, advice and suggestions.  I guess right now I have been doing your first suggestion.  Trying to just let it lie and see what happens.  Not be intrusive and thinking if I am not, he will come back around.  I am in "just ignore" stage and hope for the best.  May come back to bite me in the butt, but knowing that at this moment in time, my DIL doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong, I think trying to talk to him about it will make it worse.

I will give you another example of how I thought we were doing the right thing, but DIL turned it around on me.  Their wedding was held at my Mother's house (they have a beautiful, country log home in the mountains).  I offered to do the reception and asked FDIL what she would like.  She wanted to have a cookout.  She wanted something casual because she invited around 60 people to rehearsal (don't ask).  So that was fine and she said she didn't have anything particular she wanted.  So I purchased everything, decorated the tables in her theme (it was a fall wedding) and put it all together.  When the time came, myself and my fiance' at the time, spent the entire rehearsal dinner in front of the grill cooking hamburgers and hotdogs.  We thought we were doing the right thing so that they could enjoy their time with the families and friends.  At the end of the evening, her mother and her both came to us and my FDIL said, "Well I guess this worked out great for you.  You found a way to not have to spend any time with my family tonight", and stomped off.  I followed her and said, "I am sorry you feel that way.  That was not my intention.  I just wanted you to not have to worry about anything."  She just rolled her eyes, said "Whatever" and her mother was smirking at me the whole time.  The next day after the wedding, she handed out gift bags to everyone to thank them for helping them.  Her bridal party, her flower girls and ring bearer, the ladies that helped decorate and her friends that had helped.  She even gave my mother one for letting them use her house.  She just looked at me and walked off.  Now, I didn't expect nor need one, but it was hurtful.

Thank you for your continued advice and support.

Ha, that last part about her not giving you a gift reminded me of my DIL at our rehearsal dinner.  We had a lot of miscommunication leading up to the wedding.  For example, one night she went off the deep end because I had taken one of the invitations and changed it without telling her.  She had called her parents and told them how horrible I was, etc., etc.  My son called me in a tizz and asked me to apologize.  I told him, "Uh, remmber, I did tell you I was taking that invitation to change it because I noticed I messed up and provided you with the wrong address.  Why else would I just take something like that?"  There was a big silence and he said, "Oh, mom, I'm so sorry.  I forgot."  Then he told her and she still never apologized to me or anything.  At any rate, fast forward to the rehearsal dinner and they had gifts for everyone except me.  My son came and apologized and said she had added a gift for her mother at the last minute about an hour before the rehearsal, so he hadn't known and he hadn't had time to get me anything.  I told him that was fine, but I had put the rehearsal dinner together and done everything they'd asked during the run up to the wedding - and I was humiliated when she passed out the gifts and acknowledged everyone - except me.  It was indeed, very hurtful.

[Pooh]

Bless your heart...yep similar stories.  I could care less about gifts or material items, a simple thank you would have been just fine.  I am with everyone else, I can't even begin to imagine being that rude and thoughtless to someone.