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Should I reply to this email from my DIL?

Started by saddened by it all, May 21, 2010, 08:40:59 AM

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Pen

This sounds so familiar! DIL can see her FOO whenever she wants, with or without DS. We rarely get to see DS w/o her, and since she doesn't like to visit, we rarely see him with her.

I'd forgotten about all the phone calls while they were dating - DS & I took a trip together and they were on the cell or Skyping the whole time. At first it was cute, then it got annoying.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Marilyn

Pooh,same thing happened to my sons friends also.He doesn't do any thing with them any more.
Even his best man in wedding.Just her family only,can he do things with.My son told me two or three years ago,she just wants me all to her self.He doesn't realize why.

Pen

Thanks, Pooh. I'm glad we can share our experiences here. MIW, that's so sad for all concerned. I never would have believed this could happen, but now I know better.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

QuotePooh
She is 23 Creme.  Yes my son realizes how she is.  I read on one of the other posts, and I don't remember which one now, about how some DILs set out to "cut him from the herd."  I truly think that is what she did.  She alienated him from his friends first by calling him 10 times an hour when he would be at their houses and one time even just showed up at a guys night (there was about 10 of them that would gather up at different houses every weekend and play Halo.)  His friends even asked me if I could not intervene and do something about her.  I tried to talk to my son about how his friends were getting upset that they couldn't ask him to do anything without her butting in.  His response was, "Well, she just cares about me."   Eventually, the friends quit inviting him.  Then she started doing it to our family.  If I was out with my sons shopping or anything, she would call 20 times.  If he went to play golf with his brother, dad and grandpa, she would call 20 times.  Then she went and took golf lessons and announced she was going with them from now on.

I am frustrated with my son, because I know he sees how she is and just goes along with anything she says.  I think when it comes to her, he would rather just do what she wants and avoid confrontation and her hissy fits.  And for that, our relationship has suffered because she does not want to come around me or my family at all, so they both stay away. 

Pooh, I'm very sorry to say this, however, your DIL sounds like she is in great need of some help...
It also sounds like your son is not against you at all, but going along with her, to make his home peaceful as possible...which is wrong...I don't know why men don't see the bigger picture, which dicatates, peace at all costs is no peace at all...and he needs counseling as well, to learn how to deal with her...

I don't know your son, only you do, but personally, I don't see how a marriage like this can last? 

Are you able to sit your son down and talk to him?  And ask him to stop allowing her to erode the family....?  How long have they been married...? 

Your DIL cuts off his support network so she has full control and you need to explain this to your son, and to suggest he get professional help, b/c if the marriage fails...he needs to figure out why he chose so little?  In other words, why he deems this marriage normal?  It is not...and it is so not a love relationship...it is all about control and her way...at all costs....

I'm so so sorry your going thru this and for your son....

are there children yet?  I surely hope not...and maybe you already said, but I forgot...and if so, I do apologize...

Creme

Pooh

May 25, 2010, 05:58:04 AM #35 Last Edit: May 25, 2010, 06:05:26 AM by Pooh
No, I don't think that he is against me, yet.  I think he is just laying low to avoid the controversary.  I just feel as if this continues, eventually we will just completely fade from his life.  They dated for 2 years, got married last October and are purchasing their first house now near her Mother.  No children but I know they want them some day.

When they got engaged, I sat down with my son and asked him pointedly, "Why do you love her?  What does she provide you as a person? Etc. "  We had always been able to talk about anything so this was nothing new for us.  He told me that she made him feel very loved because she always wanted to be with him, and that it was very flattering to have someone that loved you that much.  That was pretty much his answer.  There wasn't much else.  I told him I understood how flattering that must be to have someone call you every 15 minutes and how that right now, that would make you feel very loved.  But I asked him to think about the future and that in a few years, not being able to do anything without her, or go anywhere with anyone without her constantly checking on him, was going to get tiring for him.  They both needed time with friends. I tried to do it gently without slamming her, but I am sure some of it came out sounding like I didn't want him to be with her.  Honestly, I didn't because I could see the things in her that were total opposite of him.  And I am sure, no matter how hard I was trying to be open and thinking I was doing a good job at being fair, that alot of what I said about her came out as exactly that.  I was trying to get him to reconsider marrying her.  Because, honestly, I was.  There was just so much about her that sent up red flags.

Now, my son is not blameless.  She is an intern for a large company making ALOT of money now, and when she graduates from college next year, will make even more.  He has one year of college left and she is already got him an interview at her company.  So they stand together to make a bunch of money.  I think he is seeing big houses, cars, vacations in his future with her.  They were raised middle class.  They never lacked for anything basic, but we didn't get to take many vacations and such with our incomes.  (I think I told you before his Father was a Police officer and I work for 911).  So as much as I hate to say it, and I didn't raise him this way, I think he has become blinded by the money out there.  And, I am sure she did make him feel very special with all the attention.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

I also wanted to add, I am by no means perfect and make lots of mistakes just like anyone else.  But one thing my mother taught me and I have always tried to follow was to take a look at people and try to understand why they act the way they do.  My Mother said if you could try to understand why they are "who they are", then it was easier to accept their flaws and find a way to get along with them.

My DIL grew up in a household with a very, very controlling Mother.  Her Mother bosses her husband around like a slave to this day.  Her father is just a good old country boy.  Laid back and just takes it.  My DIL was also controlled by her Mother her entire life.  Still is.  Her Mother is still calling the shots and just talked her daughter into the house near her.  They had picked one that was about 30 miles away and closer to their school and work, but my DIL "changed their mind". So that is her role model and who taught her how to be a woman. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

Quote from: Pooh on May 25, 2010, 05:58:04 AM
No, I don't think that he is against me, yet.  I think he is just laying low to avoid the controversary.  I just feel as if this continues, eventually we will just completely fade from his life.  They dated for 2 years, got married last October and are purchasing their first house now near her Mother.  No children but I know they want them some day.

When they got engaged, I sat down with my son and asked him pointedly, "Why do you love her?  What does she provide you as a person? Etc. "  We had always been able to talk about anything so this was nothing new for us.  He told me that she made him feel very loved because she always wanted to be with him, and that it was very flattering to have someone that loved you that much.  That was pretty much his answer.  There wasn't much else.  I told him I understood how flattering that must be to have someone call you every 15 minutes and how that right now, that would make you feel very loved.  But I asked him to think about the future and that in a few years, not being able to do anything without her, or go anywhere with anyone without her constantly checking on him, was going to get tiring for him.  They both needed time with friends. I tried to do it gently without slamming her, but I am sure some of it came out sounding like I didn't want him to be with her.  Honestly, I didn't because I could see the things in her that were total opposite of him.  And I am sure, no matter how hard I was trying to be open and thinking I was doing a good job at being fair, that alot of what I said about her came out as exactly that.  I was trying to get him to reconsider marrying her.  Because, honestly, I was.  There was just so much about her that sent up red flags.

Now, my son is not blameless.  She is an intern for a large company making ALOT of money now, and when she graduates from college next year, will make even more.  He has one year of college left and she is already got him an interview at her company.  So they stand together to make a bunch of money.  I think he is seeing big houses, cars, vacations in his future with her.  They were raised middle class.  They never lacked for anything basic, but we didn't get to take many vacations and such with our incomes.  (I think I told you before his Father was a Police officer and I work for 911).  So as much as I hate to say it, and I didn't raise him this way, I think he has become blinded by the money out there.  And, I am sure she did make him feel very special with all the attention.

I don't know, perhaps others here feel that I'm wrong, but I see you having only two choices, which is maybe 3, however, it's more then having no choice, however, there will be consequences to each, as there always are...

You either ignore the whole situation and do without...

or

You talk to your son, explain the situation from your point of view...and then ask him what he could advise yout to do, to make things better....explain to him that it is very important you have a relationship with them, especially b/c someday there would be children...
or
you talk to him about going to counseling for both of them...and risk loosing him...
but honestly, they both are in dire need of counseling...what would make a man think, that this is normal behavior?  why would he settle for so little?  Not to mention, make his parents suffer for his choices?  And maybe you might want to ask him these questions yourself?

I'm wishing you the best...and sending love and hugs...

so sorry I couldn't be of more help...

Pooh

Absolutely nothing to be sorry about.  You are a great help.  You offer great insight, advice and suggestions.  I guess right now I have been doing your first suggestion.  Trying to just let it lie and see what happens.  Not be intrusive and thinking if I am not, he will come back around.  I am in "just ignore" stage and hope for the best.  May come back to bite me in the butt, but knowing that at this moment in time, my DIL doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong, I think trying to talk to him about it will make it worse.

I will give you another example of how I thought we were doing the right thing, but DIL turned it around on me.  Their wedding was held at my Mother's house (they have a beautiful, country log home in the mountains).  I offered to do the reception and asked FDIL what she would like.  She wanted to have a cookout.  She wanted something casual because she invited around 60 people to rehearsal (don't ask).  So that was fine and she said she didn't have anything particular she wanted.  So I purchased everything, decorated the tables in her theme (it was a fall wedding) and put it all together.  When the time came, myself and my fiance' at the time, spent the entire rehearsal dinner in front of the grill cooking hamburgers and hotdogs.  We thought we were doing the right thing so that they could enjoy their time with the families and friends.  At the end of the evening, her mother and her both came to us and my FDIL said, "Well I guess this worked out great for you.  You found a way to not have to spend any time with my family tonight", and stomped off.  I followed her and said, "I am sorry you feel that way.  That was not my intention.  I just wanted you to not have to worry about anything."  She just rolled her eyes, said "Whatever" and her mother was smirking at me the whole time.  The next day after the wedding, she handed out gift bags to everyone to thank them for helping them.  Her bridal party, her flower girls and ring bearer, the ladies that helped decorate and her friends that had helped.  She even gave my mother one for letting them use her house.  She just looked at me and walked off.  Now, I didn't expect nor need one, but it was hurtful.

Thank you for your continued advice and support.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

QuotePooh link
Absolutely nothing to be sorry about.  You are a great help.  You offer great insight, advice and suggestions.  I guess right now I have been doing your first suggestion.  Trying to just let it lie and see what happens.  Not be intrusive and thinking if I am not, he will come back around.  I am in "just ignore" stage and hope for the best.  May come back to bite me in the butt, but knowing that at this moment in time, my DIL doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong, I think trying to talk to him about it will make it worse.

I will give you another example of how I thought we were doing the right thing, but DIL turned it around on me.  Their wedding was held at my Mother's house (they have a beautiful, country log home in the mountains).  I offered to do the reception and asked FDIL what she would like.  She wanted to have a cookout.  She wanted something casual because she invited around 60 people to rehearsal (don't ask).  So that was fine and she said she didn't have anything particular she wanted.  So I purchased everything, decorated the tables in her theme (it was a fall wedding) and put it all together.  When the time came, myself and my fiance' at the time, spent the entire rehearsal dinner in front of the grill cooking hamburgers and hotdogs.  We thought we were doing the right thing so that they could enjoy their time with the families and friends.  At the end of the evening, her mother and her both came to us and my FDIL said, "Well I guess this worked out great for you.  You found a way to not have to spend any time with my family tonight", and stomped off.  I followed her and said, "I am sorry you feel that way.  That was not my intention.  I just wanted you to not have to worry about anything."  She just rolled her eyes, said "Whatever" and her mother was smirking at me the whole time.  The next day after the wedding, she handed out gift bags to everyone to thank them for helping them.  Her bridal party, her flower girls and ring bearer, the ladies that helped decorate and her friends that had helped.  She even gave my mother one for letting them use her house.  She just looked at me and walked off.  Now, I didn't expect nor need one, but it was hurtful.
Sheesh, it sounds to me as this is learned behavior inherited from her mother...I can certianly understand the hurt your experiencing...they both sound very self imposted...and by the way, you did the right thing at the reception...they are just ungreatful and can't see past they're own noses...self imposed and selfish...you should have asked her who would have done the cooking?  Yanno, no matter what you would have done, they would have been miserable to you...and how dare they talk to you like that?  Such disrespect?  I really really don't get it....but it seems to me, like your doing the best thing possible, besides, you know your son better then I do....I know a woman at work that thinks her entire purpose in life is to worry....anything that happens to her is the most God awful thing on earth, and she takes it way beyond the normal...she to is very self imposed...has no children...so she doesn't know what it's like to sacrifice and put others before the self...to be aware of the feelings of others...simply put, it's all about her...she upsets the whole of the group constantly....again and again....



Thank you for your continued advice and support.

Sheesh, I don't believe I've offered much...and it's difficult to know how to express, b/c I don't really know these people...however, I do hope the future brings you all what you deserve, presently, this is not what anyone deserves...and you were very compassionate and kind to do what you did for they're wedding....

Hugs
creme

Pooh

I just realized I said "reception" first.  It was the rehearsal dinner.  Thanks again Creme.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

womenrule123

May 25, 2010, 07:28:06 AM #41 Last Edit: May 25, 2010, 07:32:22 AM by womenrule123
Please don't reply through email as it'll be used against you in the future! It's best to have a face to face conversation and if not possible, then by phone. Don't give up your values and ethics because dil has having a temper tantram.  I'm not suggesting you don't respond to her nasty email...there are other ways to deal with this "child". Please give yourself time before responding to this situation and stand in your own power with grace. Dil is attempting to get the upper hand  so don't give it to her... It's my opinion only and I wish you the very best outcome! XO

Pen

Quote from: Pooh on May 25, 2010, 05:58:04 AM
No, I don't think that he is against me, yet.  I think he is just laying low to avoid the controversary.  I just feel as if this continues, eventually we will just completely fade from his life.  They dated for 2 years, got married last October and are purchasing their first house now near her Mother.  No children but I know they want them some day.

When they got engaged, I sat down with my son and asked him pointedly, "Why do you love her?  What does she provide you as a person? Etc. "  We had always been able to talk about anything so this was nothing new for us.  He told me that she made him feel very loved because she always wanted to be with him, and that it was very flattering to have someone that loved you that much.  That was pretty much his answer.  There wasn't much else.  I told him I understood how flattering that must be to have someone call you every 15 minutes and how that right now, that would make you feel very loved.  But I asked him to think about the future and that in a few years, not being able to do anything without her, or go anywhere with anyone without her constantly checking on him, was going to get tiring for him.  They both needed time with friends. I tried to do it gently without slamming her, but I am sure some of it came out sounding like I didn't want him to be with her.  Honestly, I didn't because I could see the things in her that were total opposite of him.  And I am sure, no matter how hard I was trying to be open and thinking I was doing a good job at being fair, that alot of what I said about her came out as exactly that.  I was trying to get him to reconsider marrying her.  Because, honestly, I was.  There was just so much about her that sent up red flags.

Now, my son is not blameless.  She is an intern for a large company making ALOT of money now, and when she graduates from college next year, will make even more.  He has one year of college left and she is already got him an interview at her company.  So they stand together to make a bunch of money.  I think he is seeing big houses, cars, vacations in his future with her.  They were raised middle class.  They never lacked for anything basic, but we didn't get to take many vacations and such with our incomes.  (I think I told you before his Father was a Police officer and I work for 911).  So as much as I hate to say it, and I didn't raise him this way, I think he has become blinded by the money out there.  And, I am sure she did make him feel very special with all the attention.

Pooh, my DS is blinded by bling and flattery too, but he's beginning to feel the shackles not only from DIL but from her FOO. As long as I can see that spark of resistance I feel there's hope. There's no way I can compete with their money, though...I'm learning some personal strategies on this site to cope with what might be a total loss of my relationship with DS, just in case.

And I agree with WomenRule and others who suggest putting nothing in writing. Best wishes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

MagicGram

Quote from: Pooh on May 24, 2010, 01:44:49 PM
  She alienated him from his friends first by calling him 10 times an hour when he would be at their houses and one time even just showed up at a guys night (there was about 10 of them that would gather up at different houses every weekend and play Halo.) ...  If he went to play golf with his brother, dad and grandpa, she would call 20 times.  Then she went and took golf lessons and announced she was going with them from now on.

Actually, in this case I'm on your DIL's side.  Your son has no business going out EVERY weekend playing Halo with his friends; occasionally yes, but every weekend is just too much.  And add in that he's also going shopping with his mom and playing golf with his dad and brothers--well then, when is he spending time with her?  Fun time, not household chores and work and making dinner.  She made an effort to learn his interests when she learned golf, that's a positive thing. 

Being married is not the same as being single; he should be spending the fun times of his life with her, not with his boyhood friends and his family.  On occasion yes, but not every weekend.  I feel sorry for her.

luise.volta

Food for thought, Gram...food for thought!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama