Should I reply to this email from my DIL?

[catchingup]

I have read all of the posts and I think every one of them has great ideas, suggestions and wisdom in them.  I will say, I wish my DIL would write me an email or something so I could figure out what her perceptions were.  I know that the snide comments she made were not nice and hurtful to you, but I have to say....you now know her perception and how to deal with her.  It may be totally insane and innaccurate, but you know what it is now.

Mine has shut me out and alienated my son to the point we don't even talk.  When I have tried to talk to her and him, they both shut down and will not say anything.  I know my DIL is very immature and spoiled so her perceptions are probably WAY out there as well because I would never cave in to her whiney, ridiculous demands when they were dating.  One for example, she thought I should pay their rent and utilities so they could get a place together while they were attending college.  Her words were that while her and my son was attending college, that I should still support them.  This was not feasible for me to do as a one income single parent and I told her that our deal had always been,  he was welcome to live at home for free while attending college but I couldn't afford to pay for him to live outside the home. If he wanted to get a place of his own, he would have to pay for it because I couldn't.  Ok, that is totally logical to most people but in her world where her parents had spoiled her rotten, all she heard in her head was:  So she wants to keep him at home away from me, doesn't want us to be together and she's not doing what I want.  (Insert stomping feet and rolling eyes here.)  Her mother even called me and wanted to know if it was true that I refused to financially support them?  So I calmly explained to her mother that yes, it was true that I could not afford to pay their rent and utilities along with my own.  But that I would continue to financially support my son if he lived at home.  I would still pay all the home bills, still buy him groceries and help with his gas momey to drive back and forth.  I could afford to do that. Her mother hung up on my after saying I was a bad mother and didn't love my son like she loved her daughter.

But I would still love to know what their perceptions are so maybe I could find a way to get along with her.  So maybe you can look at this email as a way to know what she is thinking and figure out how to reach some neutral ground.  Turn this negative into a positive.

I understand that you don't have the finances to go see your grandchildren as often as you would like.  She is not understanding that since she has probably never had to deal with not having money to be able to do things.  So I have a suggestion you might could try if you decide to try to talk to her at some point.

Since you have a computer and internet,  and I would think they do as well since she sent you an email.  How about purchasing a couple of web-cams (they are not very expensive anymore) and mail one to her?  If she would hook it up to theirs, and you have one one yours, you could see and talk to your GC often.  It would also be a way to maybe see her and your son more and an easier way for you to thank her for pictures and such (and I think the other posters were dead-on with she seems to need constant thank yous).  This might show her how much you are interested in your GC and them too.

This is a typical example of misunderstandings where mother was not able to assist with helping DS and DIL financially if he moved out.

Perhaps  if at the time this happened you had sat down with son and daughter in law and put your financers down on paper to show them you could not afford to assist they would have understood why.

Unfortunately this will now remain a bone of contention,probably forever because there was misunderstandings on both sides.
DIL could not understand why MIL could not help and MIL did not explain it properly.

MIL may think well what do my financer have to do with her(DIL) Pride!!!
Best would have been to have said well this is my position do you two think I can change this in any way in order to be able to help. Humility
  I am just using this as an example and only perceiving how this could have been handled.

It is the same with children. If we tell them not to do something they will always ask why Mom why?
"Because I say so" is not an answer. A child really wants to know why?
An honest answer is all they need to understand.

Reading between the lines I would say that perhaps Pooh did not want to let go of son and refusing financial help unless he stayed at home was a way of getting him to stay.( Only expressing an example of how DIL may have read between the lines). If she expressed it then Pooh would get back up and blah!! blah!! blah!! see what I mean??



Pooh just using an example. Blessings!!

[Marilyn]

Four years ago,my son was not talking to me,my counselor advised me to write a letter to my son.She read it,thought it was awesome.It was a  heart felt,nothing negative,all positive. She did not want me to send it to the house,because she was afraid he would never get it.So i put it in an envelope addressed to him,then in another envelope addressed to my ys.Ask him to make sure os got it.Now this was after my counselor ask if i thought my ex would mind coming in  a couple times with me.My ex and i were civil towards each other,but had never discussed os and DIL until then.After talking to my ex and i together is when she suggested i write him............So ys said he would,he did not read the letter,left it sealed.He went over to os house,stayed a while talking and playing with GC.When he went to leave os followed him out and they were standing talking,and ys told os he had a letter for him.He had on a pair of shorts with no pockets and GC started crying so he put the letter in his waist band to be able to bend over and pick up GC.Then Dil came out of house yelling,whats that you just put in your pants?OS said a letter from my Mom.Dil ask,why are you trying to hide it?OS said i'm not!I have no pockets and put it there to pick up GC.Then ys leaves,and DIL calls him on his cell phone and tells him she would appreciate out of respect for her not to try and hide things from her.ys said he was not trying to hide any thing,or disrespect her,he was respecting his Moms wishes.My os son called the next night,said i just called to break the ice,i haven't read the letter yet.I thought that was odd he would say that.But thought he really did read it,just maybe embarrassed and wanted to be the bigger person.Said he just wanted a new start,and he was sorry.Well now with the way things have turned out,I'm not sure if he ever did read it.And it appears to have been used to hurt me.

So you just never know how things will turn out.Still hurting,but moving on.

[RedRose]

I, personally, would never reply to this email. This dil is very bitter.
If you want a relationship with your son and grandchildren (now or in the future) I would put it in your safe and forget about it.
Make a knew start with her (at least in your mind).Be kind and as cordial you can be to your dil and let your son see you are trying to make things better.
Don't let her or your anger break up your family and the love you have for them. Life is too short.

[luise.volta]

RedRose - Sometimes I wish that's what I had done when I got that terrible hate letter from my DIL nine days after my son died, describing me as evil incarnate. No, that's not quite true, I wish I had acknowledged her but not commented on her perceptions, judgments and edicts. Once we get into debate...it's all over to my way of thinking. Attack, defense, offense; it sounds like a game and it is...a lethal one. I remember it like it was yesterday and it's ten years ago next month.

Sending love...

[Pooh]

Catchingup,  Very good observation on your part.  I had sat down with both of my sons when their father walked out on us 2 months prior and we had went over my finances and what I was able to do.  I showed them both my income, versus bills and what would be leftover.  I had never involved my sons in our finances prior to this because it had never been an issue and frankly, wasn't something they ever had to worry about.

Because my oldest son was in his first year of college, and my youngest was a senior with plans to go to college, I knew I was going to struggle with only my income to be able to help them as much as I could have when we had two incomes.  I figured out with them that I could still pay their cell phone bills, their car insurance while still paying the mortgage, utilites, groceries, etc. They were both working part time and making car payments for themselves.  Both had received enough scholarship money to cover college, but I had been providing them with some gas and food money to help them.  (We lived in a small town that didn't have a college, so he was driving appox. 30 miles away to college 3 days a week.)  With just my income, I let them both know that I couldn't give them alot of extra money any longer, so they would need to budget gas and food money out of their paychecks.  They were both very understanding and said that it was not a problem and very willing to pitch in knowing I was doing everything I could.

So when the whole moving out thing came up with the FDIL and her Mother a couple of months later, I guess my mistake was assuming my Son would talk to her about how strained I was financially.  I did not feel the need to get into my personal finances with them.  Expecially her Mother, because I am going to be honest, IMO frankly it was none of FDIL Mother's business where my money was going.  I did explain to FDIL and her Mother that I was not financially able to support them moving out.  That I was maxed out on bills and support.  You are right, I did not sit down with FDIL and lay it out in front of her.  I had done that with my sons and didn't think to do it with her.  It might have helped, but at the time, they were just dating and I didn't feel the need to show her all my finances.

Knowing what I know now and that they ended up marrying later, it probably would have helped.

[Pooh]

Luise and others,  This thread is actually helping me rethink of how I wanted to try and mend the relationship with the DIL and son.  I had thought about for a long time writing an email to my DIL and apologizing for some things I handled badly, and clearing up miscommunications.  But after reading this, I am thinking now that maybe that is not such a good idea.  I am sure without being to see facial expressions and hear tones, things could be misunderstood again.  I need to find a better way.

With that being said, I am with Luise and the others, I think a simple acknowledgement of receipt of the email would be appropriate, but I wouldn't respond.

[Pen]

It is no one's business how you handle your finances. If you choose not to fund something, that should be enough of a statement. Some people are just rude and self-centered!

Pooh, you should have hero status with your boys. {{{hugs}}}

[cremebrulee]

Luise and others,  This thread is actually helping me rethink of how I wanted to try and mend the relationship with the DIL and son.  I had thought about for a long time writing an email to my DIL and apologizing for some things I handled badly, and clearing up miscommunication.  But after reading this, I am thinking now that maybe that is not such a good idea.  I am sure without being to see facial expressions and hear tones, things could be misunderstood again.  I need to find a better way.

With that being said, I am with Luise and the others, I think a simple acknowledgement of receipt of the email would be appropriate, but I wouldn't respond.

Pooh, seriously, don't write her anything ever....when you write things, you know how you mean them, however, when she reads them, she's going to misinterpret your words, believe me...I used to write poetry...and I've written letters...which people took wrong...when I wrote poetry I wrote how the spirit of God moved me, and do you know, some people actually thought I was writing about sex....?  I was so hurt...can't tell you....anyway...Pooh, if you want to talk to her, call her up and talk to her...don't be afraid...tell her that your very sorry she is taking things the way she is.  You see, she was raised a certain way and all the accusations she is making towards you are her expectations, but not how your are....she doesn't understand yet, that just because you think one way and she thinks another doesn't make you wrong and her right, it's all in what we believe to be our v3ery own personal culture. 

Therefore she has these expectations of you and she is wrong...

however, if you discuss this issue with her, make certain you don't say to her, "you did this or that".  Apologize to her for this whole thing happening and tell her you wish it were not this way, ask her what she thinks you can do to work this out....and when she tells you things, ask her if you can compromise....and do it this way or that way...but if you write her a letter, I can almost bet, she is going to misinterpret...what your saying and take it personal or as an attack against her.....and if you talk to her, listen to her to....don't be afraid or upset, be honest and forth right....explain to her, that you don't dislike her one bit...you dislike though, what is happening between the two of you....

I tell you true, the first letter I wrote my DIL many years ago, really really made it worse, I pulled the adult card, and talked to her as if she were my own child....that surely didn't sit well....and she was very offeneded and I would have been to if I were her. 

does that make sense?

[cremebrulee]

Just thought of something while reading someone's post I'd like to share

I wish I could heal all your relationships...more then anything....I do....

This is to all of you gals who are hurting and have no idea what you have done to upset your DIL's or MIL's. 

And I do realize, everyone's situation is very different...

Please girls, don't be like me and let things go for 13 long years....muster up the courage and call them, and talk to them earnestly...telling them your so sorry this is happening between you and more then anything else, you'd like to make it better....maybe not all of the time, but I bet some of the time, you gals are going to get a very honest response....and you'll be able to work it out....

communication in any relationship is so essential....we women really do sometimes over react and blow things way out of porportion, and I think the unknown leaves a door open for just that...how many times have we said, "Oh, if I only knew what I did"
Ask her...I would be willing to bet, that 30% of your relationship, is due to miscommunication...

The fear of not knowing turns our minds into some dramatic movie...and we imagine all kinds of things...again, I realize this won't hold water in some of your situations, howe4ver, I never ever thought my DIL and I would be able to talk about this...I thought she hated me terrible, and it would never change....it nearly drove me up a wall...the pain was horrific..then one day, I said to myself...what do I have to loose?  Nothing...so, I tried but this time, let her know, I really wanted to work this out...and when we both realized, that we misinterpreted each other's feelings, my God...all these years, for what? 

Try it, what do you all have to loose, what is the worse that could happen?  Rejection again...sure, yes, they can reject you, but at least you would know you tried...and sometimes, when you talk to people personally, it's so much better, b/c they can hear the sincerity in your voice....or in person is even better....but don't be afraid....fear can do horrible things to any relationship....

hugs
Creme

[cremebrulee]

It is no one's business how you handle your finances. If you choose not to fund something, that should be enough of a statement. Some people are just rude and self-centered!

Pooh, you should have hero status with your boys. {{{hugs}}}

totally agree with you Pen, it's nobody's business what anyone does with they're finances...

[Pooh]

Thank you Pen and Creme.  You guys certainly make me feel better about decisions (of course I also know you would point out when I was totally wrong! Lol.  Which is what I love about this website.)

Creme, I know you are right.  I know it needs to be a face-to-face conversation.  I am not afraid to try to have that conversation with her.  I am not afraid of the actual conversation.  What I am afraid of, and this is just because of my past experiences with her, is that it will make the situation even worse.  She is very difficult to deal with and never sees anything other that what she wants.  I have a good feeling that no matter what I say, or do it will never be enough with her.  I have no intention of saying that it is her fault, but compromise is a word she does not know.  It is either her way or no way.  And I promise I am not saying that to be negative about her.  It is truly how she is. Right now, I am just keeping my distance and leaving it alone.  I still text my Son every couple of weeks with a simple, "Hey, You still alive?" and he will answer me eventually.  But, that's about it.  I am afraid if I try to talk to her about it, it will make it worse and I will not even get that. 

[cremebrulee]

Thank you Pen and Creme.  You guys certainly make me feel better about decisions (of course I also know you would point out when I was totally wrong! Lol.  Which is what I love about this website.)

Creme, I know you are right.  I know it needs to be a face-to-face conversation.  I am not afraid to try to have that conversation with her.  I am not afraid of the actual conversation.  What I am afraid of, and this is just because of my past experiences with her, is that it will make the situation even worse.  She is very difficult to deal with and never sees anything other that what she wants.  I have a good feeling that no matter what I say, or do it will never be enough with her.  I have no intention of saying that it is her fault, but compromise is a word she does not know.  It is either her way or no way.  And I promise I am not saying that to be negative about her.  It is truly how she is. Right now, I am just keeping my distance and leaving it alone.  I still text my Son every couple of weeks with a simple, "Hey, You still alive?" and he will answer me eventually.  But, that's about it.  I am afraid if I try to talk to her about it, it will make it worse and I will not even get that.

ahhh, see that's the thing Pooh, everyone's situation is different...it's so tragic...I wish she wouldn't be like that...how old is she?

Maybe you said so before, but do you think your son realizes what is going on?  I mean, he has to right? 

[Marilyn]

Pooh,my Dil is the same way.No compromise....it's her way,or no way.I have a sister and BIL just like that too.My niece just told me last week,that she ended up paying for her own wedding,because her Mom,my sister,said she felt like if she was having to pay for it,she was going to have the wedding the way she wanted it. ???They are to narrow minded to see things in some one else's eye's.Thats the only thing i can figure out.

[Pooh]

She is 23 Creme.  Yes my son realizes how she is.  I read on one of the other posts, and I don't remember which one now, about how some DILs set out to "cut him from the herd."  I truly think that is what she did.  She alienated him from his friends first by calling him 10 times an hour when he would be at their houses and one time even just showed up at a guys night (there was about 10 of them that would gather up at different houses every weekend and play Halo.)  His friends even asked me if I could not intervene and do something about her.  I tried to talk to my son about how his friends were getting upset that they couldn't ask him to do anything without her butting in.  His response was, "Well, she just cares about me."   Eventually, the friends quit inviting him.  Then she started doing it to our family.  If I was out with my sons shopping or anything, she would call 20 times.  If he went to play golf with his brother, dad and grandpa, she would call 20 times.  Then she went and took golf lessons and announced she was going with them from now on.

I am frustrated with my son, because I know he sees how she is and just goes along with anything she says.  I think when it comes to her, he would rather just do what she wants and avoid confrontation and her hissy fits.  And for that, our relationship has suffered because she does not want to come around me or my family at all, so they both stay away. 

Mominwaiting - sounds like her.  I truly think she wants to be the center of all his attention and to do that she thinks she has to cut away at anyone else that is close to him so he will depend on her for everything. 

[Pooh]

And I should have added, that yes, we did include her in most things.  There were just some occasions that I wanted to take my sons out to lunch by ourselves, or their father wanted to go play golf with them etc....