Difficult mother

[Monroe]

On the DIL board, it's not just about difficult DILs.  The DILs are able to post about difficult MILS.  This is the adult child board, where moms can post about issues with adult children.  I'd like to post, as an adult child, about issues with a difficult mother.  Not difficult MIL, difficult biological mother. 

Happy home life, good relationship through the years, good relationship with father and mother.  Good relationships between my children and their grandparents.  But as my DM has aged (now late 80's) she has become extremely difficult.  I can't do anything right.  My siblings are attentive adult children - but due to busy careers or living out of town, I am the most available adult child.  Therefore I am the one to do most of the care taking.  They get the royal treatment - she is excited to see them, as they are not all that available.  I, however, am Cinderella - only no prince and no ball to attend.  I am just the servant. 

I have been biting my tongue, but am about to throw in the towel.  Nothing I do is right.  I even get criticized if I take her flowers.  She used to be a loving mother.  Now she is critical of everything and everyone.  I just can't take it anymore.  I did see a counselor - who advised me to get out of the line of fire - i.e. - avoid her.  Only when I avoid her, I am not seeing my father - who is a dear sweet man.  I want to see and care for him - but she is driving me away.  I really can't take it anymore.  Help!!!! -- I am losing my sanity.

[Stilllearning]

A change in personality like you describe is reason for medical alarm.  I would find time to talk to my DF alone, even if I had to enlist my siblings and make someone visit to take Mom shopping.  See if he has noticed the changes in her and ask if her memory is holding up.  There can be any number of reasons for a personality change in an elderly parent.  Your DM may be really scared by the first stages of dementia or Alzhiemers, diseases that no one faces easily.  Often the first stages include changes in behavior and sometimes dependence on alcohol.  DF will not want to face it either but if you can get her in for a diagnosis then there are meds to slow the progression and deal with the hostility.   

Whatever the reason my heart goes out to you and your father and yes, even your mother.  Getting old is no fun.  Being the care giver of adult parents is often a thankless job full of self recriminations and doubt.  You certainly do not need to have your DM criticizing your every move on top of all that!  Go and visit when you can but do not let the visits and the bad feelings bleed into the rest of your life.  Try to section it off and only think about it when you must.  A situation like this has a tendency to suck all of the fun out of your life and your children do not deserve that.  Take some time for you!

It also might be time for you to tag your siblings about helping out.  At the very least you need to have some time off.  Plan a vacation or go visit distant relatives.  Enjoy!!

[Pooh]

Bless your heart Monroe.  Taking care of an aging parent can sometimes be the most difficult thing ever.  I do agree that such a dramatic shift in personality could be the result of something medical.   My Mother was the primary caregiver to both of her parents as they aged and became sick,  My GM was a breeze and her personality never changed but my GP became very mean and hostile to my Mother.  She always said she could tell it was because mostly he was bucking her like a terrible 2 year old.  She became the parent and he the child, having to make him sit down and eat, take medicine, take a shower, etc.  He became to resent her because he had to rely on her and he didn't like after 90 years of his life being told what to do.

[luise.volta]

M - As you know, we started out to be a MIL board...but so many concerned DILs joined us that I changed the name. Two-plus years later, I see us as a community of Wise Women...dealing with Life in all its many guises. I want to speak to your situation from my current position in life. Like your mom, I, too, am in my late 80s. I have lived in this retirement center for the last 14 years and feel, sometimes, like I have seen it all. We have a nursing home on our campus as well as assisted care...but...most of us came here originally to live in independent living...where I still reside. "End of Life" is a process...we have different genes, different stamina, different beliefs and different goals. I have seen the kind of personality disintegration (for lack of a better description) that you describe your mother experiencing. Whatever the cause, my take is that those closest naturally get the worse of it and have to look at survival. I mean that seriously. The damage can eventually become life threatening to the caregiver. I know that sounds like high drama...but due to the ravages of stress, they can be outlived by their loved ones. You matter...your life matters...and so do your hopes and dreams. Your mother isn't in charge of those things, you are. My suggestion is that your remove yourself completely from your toxic relationship with her. Find a licensed caregiver, who has no such dynamics, to hang out with her...pick your dad up and get him out of there for one-on-one visits with you...or better yet, meet him someplace, if that's possible. It isn't written in stone that you have to make this sacrifice and pay this price. The person your mother once was would never want that. Never. Sending love...

[Monroe]

Thank you, Still, Pooh and Luise.  I feel better already just knowing I have some support.  I am not crazy.  Truly I am not.  But I feel like it sometimes.  And my poor husband is getting exhausted from my exhaustion.  Poor guy.

Specific responses --

Still - after months of trying to get her to a doctor, and getting resistance from all other family members - there was a medical crisis and I was finally able to get her to a doctor.  They did find some electrolyte issues that could have explained her irritability, but those have now been addressed, so the chemical imbalance no longer explains her nastiness.  The siblings ARE helping, but because they are not the always-available 24/7 AC, they are better received than I.  Also less exhausted. 

Pooh - I agree that they don't like being told what to do at age 90 (or late 80's) - but it's not simply that.  When I OFFER a favor, she is nasty.  I make every effort to not TELL her what to do - but an offer of assistance triggers her resentment.  AAARGGHHH!!!

Luise - I am copying and pasting your comment about removing myself from the toxic relationship into a little listing of thoughts I want to revisit from time to time.  We do have 24/7 caregivers for her.  It is difficult to see my dad, however, without seeing her.  And if I set up events with him and exclude her, she will simply be angry about that.  So there is a great deal of sadness in me that to avoid her, I miss out on my dad.  I think this is a form of bullying and control on her part, as she knows that Dad and I are very close.   

I have been reluctant to cut her off and limit my relationship to Dad, because of getting her further upset.  But perhaps I need to put on my big girl panties and do just that.  She'll be mad - but she's mad anyway, so what's the difference?? 

[luise.volta]

Your dad deserves it as much as you do and probably needs it more...hang in there, M.

[Pooh]

Pooh - I agree that they don't like being told what to do at age 90 (or late 80's) - but it's not simply that.  When I OFFER a favor, she is nasty.  I make every effort to not TELL her what to do - but an offer of assistance triggers her resentment.  AAARGGHHH!!!

It was the same with my GP and Mother.  She could say, "Hey there, what would you like for breakfast?" and he would open a tirade on her.  He had an old home with a gas stove and wasn't allowed to cook any more because he about burnt the house down twice.  She could just offer and he would go off on her.  I think he felt helpless, and he truly was by this point, and took out all his frustration on her.  And her brother lived 5 states away and never helped, but was constantly offering "suggestions" from afar.  I think she finally told him to either come down and do it himself or shove it.

[Pooh]

And I'm not advocating that you put up with it.  I think you definitely need to find a different solution.  And if hiring a caregiver helps, think about soliciting your siblings for funds.  They can still do that from far away.

[Pen]

Monroe, I really feel for you and your DM & DF. When my mom was ill she said horrible things to me, and although I knew I shouldn't take it personally, it felt kind of personal. A friend who lived next door, and was by luck an RN, offered to give respite care so I could get a break. It made things more bearable. I hope you can find a way to get some relief.

Pooh, I love your quote from Joseph Campbell.

[Pooh]

Pooh, I love your quote from Joseph Campbell.

Thank you.  I find it very true for me.

[freespirit]

Caring for a loving elderly person is alone a difficult task. But if that person is ungrateful and even angry, I can imagine wanting to throw in the towel. I'm with Luise on this as well. And if I should ever turn into an evil, nasty, old woman; I wouldn't want my children to have to go through that, and in the end just hate me. I hope they would throw in the towel.

What if one of your siblings or your dad speak up in your behalf. Maybe your mother's eyes and heart need to be opened for her to recognize all that you do. If your family spoke lovingly of you, not as in preaching, but in admiration, it may touch her heart.

[Monroe]

Thank you, ladies.  And I mean that very sincerely.  Being able to unload and get support helps a great deal.   

Luise - I agree that my dad needs it more than I do.  I can solve MY problem by simply staying away (as some friends have advised me to do).  But that does nothing to help HIM.  And I don't want to solve my problem with her by not seeing either one of them.

Pooh - We do have caregivers (non-family) around the clock, as my mother is an invalid now.  The folks have put me in charge of their bill-paying, and they are able to pay for the care without my siblings or I having to foot the bill.  But even though it is no financial burden on the adult children, and the folks have a personal care attendant at all times, they still need relationships with family.  So we visit, take them to lunch sometimes, do their grocery shopping, accompany them to doctor appointments, etc.  The adult children just don't have financial responsibility or 24/7 care duties.  So really, it SHOULD be pretty easy on us.  Should.  But it's not.

Pen - thank you for your comment.  She has a nasty temper now - although 15 years ago she was a sweet, loving mother.  I work at not taking it personally.  What is hard is when she twists and distorts things, then my siblings blame me for a good deed.  The road to hell is paved . . .

Free - I don't tell my dad how irrational and (frankly) abusive she is.  It won't change anything - and would only upset him.  And he has been sick lately, so I don't want to dump on him.   That what you all are for!!!        

As for getting one of my siblings to speak up for me, that is really the problem.   I am licking my wounds from the most recent incident - With Dad being sick, he can no longer stay alone while the caregiver takes my mom to her weekly hair appointment.   And ladies that generation like the salon wash and set.  Thinking that was an important social outlet for her (otherwise she is totally isolated at home) - I offered to stay with my dad during the hair appointment each week.  We were going to have to coordinate times, however, as I work during her scheduled day.  Instead of saying "Thank you" and figuring out an appointment time that would work for both of us - she got angry.  Don't really know why.  Maybe because she would have to adjust her schedule - but I was just trying to ensure that she could get out and about one day a week and not either worry about my dad being left alone, or drag him to the hair salon.  She pulled her martyr routine, and declared she would just never go to the beauty shop again.  (All this because I offered to stay with dad if we could schedule at a convenient time?)

I just backed off and let it go, because I am accustomed to her being irrational and temperamental   However, she complained to her mostly out-of-town daughter.   Then I get the phone call from my sister telling me that I don't treat my parents with respect and dignity, and that it is all my fault that mom does not ever want to go to the beauty shop again.   

The road to hell is paved . . . . . .

So - thank you, Free for the suggestion to get a sibling to speak up for me.  Unfortunately, that won't happen.  I would just be glad if the one sibling would refrain from attacking me for making a nice offer.  I can rationalize my mom's behavior because she is very old.  I fail to understand why my sister would call and criticize me rather than say to mom -- "Hey, sis is making a nice offer.  Take her up on it, enjoy your day out, and say Thanks!"

I did apologize to my mother - took my DH with me (needed the witness and moral support) - I apologized for upsetting her, told her I meant well, but was sorry to have upset her.  The mom responds "Oh, I wasn't upset, I just thought I'd do my own hair" --- I let that go, but of course am thinking . . . Then why in the heck did you complain so much to my sister that she saw fit to criticize me???   AAARRRRGGGGGGHHH!

I can't win.  I just can't win, and would prefer not to see her rather than deal with her irrationality, and setting her pit bull (my sister) on me. 

My heart aches at not being able to interact with my dad.  And if I go get him and leave her behind, she will pout, and I'm in for another attach from the sister.   I am so sad. 

Thanks for letting me dump on you, ladies. 

[Stilllearning]

Have you thought about agreeing with your sister?  Tell her that you are having a difficult time and that you need a break.  See if she can come to town and take over for a week so that you can get away and recharge your batteries.  You definitely need a break, and your sister might get a dose of reality.  Even if your mother treats her nice for the whole time you and your DH get a well deserved vacation and your Dad gets some company and maybe your Mom will start feeling better.  Sometimes when we stop being defensive we win.  Just a thought.....

[luise.volta]

M - We are always here for you. There is also always room to change perceptions and tactics. Mostly to make your own choices based on what right for you. That's the person you most need to take care of. Sending love...

[Pooh]

Sending you hugs