Getting the Silent Treatment from DD

[Arlen]

Hello, I am new and I did read the forum rules etc and I am so glad I have found this place. 
I am currently getting the silent treatment, "again". I don't believe she does it intentionally but rather as a coping mechanism when she is stressed  and just doesn't want to deal with anyone. It still hurts though, and this time I had no idea or warning. Just suddenly my phone calls, text and fb messages are ignored. 

I have always believed we teach others how to treat us, and somehow I have taught my daughter that it is okay to do this by not confronting it or just hoping everything will be okay and trying to go back to normal once this silent treatment phase passes.  I guess part of it is I so want the kind of relationship with my daughter than isn't really there in the first place.  The one time I did try to talk about it but she got very defensive which wasn't conducive to resolving anything.  I love her very much, but I don't want to have to face this again, it's so humiliating, nor am I willing to debase myself by trying to communicate any further. My husband and I have backed off.  I have the feeling if I tried to suggest that rather than just cut me off, give me the silent treatment she just state something like "I need time out", she would get defensive or angry. Can't win grrrrrrr.

I hope by being here and talking and reading of others experiences I maybe learn some ways I can teach her to treat me differently, even if that means I don't have much of a relationship with her. Just need to vent in a safe place and with people who have experienced this and understand.

[mschrief]

I am going through this with my son.  We are 2500 miles apart and I provide and pay for a phone for him to call me.  He would typically call me on Sunday.  Last week we had a contentious phone call, he threw his Iphone against a wall and it shattered.  So all I have now is email.  Apparently I once again triggered something in him that made him blow up.  I emailed lhim last night wanting to know if he is ok.  He is a welder in Texas where it is 102+ lately so I worry about him.  His response to me? I'm ok go to bed.  That's it.

So, here we go again.  I am getting to the point to where he can call me if he wants. I'm 57, he is 34 and it is time for us both to move on. I love him and will continue to worry about him, but I won't beg for contact anymore.  He said during the hateful call that it was time for us to not have contact anymore.  He is my only child so I was/am pretty devestated.

I understand how cruel the "silent treatment" is, but we have to ask ourselves how much longer we can be manipulated by it.

[Arlen]

hello mschrief,

thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I have read studies that show that the silent treatment actually hurts us physically, but I don't  think we need studies to prove this. So sorry that you are going through this too. It's like we go through this intense devastation and grief each time a child or loved one does this and it really is damaging.  It's a heavy price to pay to try and maintain a relationship with someone.

One decision I have made is like what you say, I shall NOT beg for contact.

[luise.volta]

Welcome to both of you and, M., please go to our Home Page and under Open Me First, read the three posts there for new members that C. is referring to. Our Forum Agreement is the most important piece because you need to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

There comes a time for many of us when we realize that, at least for now, our expectations regarding relating to our adult children aren't going to be met. No matter how reasonable our expectations are, they are our and no one is obligated to meet them. Adult children get to make their own choices and learn from the consequences, (or not), and we get to know that we did our best and our job is done. Beyond parenting, many of us are finding wholeness. Sending love...

[Stilllearning]

Connie and Mschrief, what I am 'still learning' is that the strings my DS uses to hurt me when he employs the silent treatment are actually under my control.  I am choosing more and more often to make them resemble spider webs instead of tow ropes.  We actually have the power to dial up our torture or dial it down.  I am dialing mine down by focusing less on him and more on me.  When things bother me I set my mind on figuring out something fun for me to do.  Long bath, movie, hike, fly a kite, anything that will entertain me and keep my mind off of the 'things I cannot change'. 

I still love him but honestly my life is calmer when I do not hear from him.  So for me I guess it is true.....no news is good news!!

[Arlen]

I like the reference to spider webs.

thanks for the welcome luise.volta, and still learning, I hear you, and your comment "uses to hurt me when he employs the silent treatment are actually under my control" is something I need to remind myself.  I just had a horrid panic attack earlier and I sat down and calmed myself down.  I rarely have panic attacks, last one was when I had to deal with a very difficult situation with an abusive family member several years ago.

spider webs, must remember spider webs.

[Pooh]

Welcome Connie and Mschrief.  Yes, those strings are like puppet-masters.  Unfortunately, as long as we dance at the end of them, they will keep dangling them. 

Connie, I too believe that we teach people how to treat us based on our actions or inactions.  They can either get with the curriculum or transfer to another school.

[Keys Girl]

Welcome to Connie and Mscrief,

It's important to remember not to worry about these adults when you don't hear from them.  They are not lying in a ditch somewhere with a truck stuck on them otherwise it would be on TV.  My male friends taught me that when you don't hear from a man, he's fine.  If you hear from him, he usually wants something from you.  You would be surprised at how well your AC can manage when standing on their own two feet.  You taught them common sense and everything else, Texas heat or Atlantic hurricanes are something they can tolerate and deal with otherwise they would change that.  They are adults who can take care of themselves.

I've experienced the silent treatment and it's hard to deal with, especially at first. 

Being the person waiting for the phone to ring is never fun.  I think there is only one remedy, which is "Get Busy".  Join some new clubs, take up a sport or hobby.  Do as many things that bring you joy and remove as many people and circumstances (including AC) that bring you grief.

The "silent treatment" can be used as punishment, but you can render it useless, by turning it inside out.

Use the energy that you might have spent worrying or feeling left to "twist in the wind" on other things that bring you joy. 

The punishment doesn't work if the person "receiving" it doesn't suffer, it's like punishing you by giving you a truckload of chocolate.

KG

[freespirit]

Just like, Stilllearning, I like to adapt that "no news is good news!!" as well. And it is really true. So remind yourself of that, to calm your nerves and appease your worries.

My son once gave me the silent treatment. It lasted 3 months. Then one day, - honest Injun -I accidently dialed his tel. number.  When he answered, I was so flustered. I didn't know what to say, especially since it wasn't planned. Well, to my surprise  he was happy to hear from me. So maybe your son just needs space. It might be the first step to a better understanding, and he may feel appreciation that you have "let go."...which in the long run will draw you together again.

[Arlen]

Oh thanks freespirit, it's actually my adult daughter. My son is off living his life in another state, but we still keep in touch now and again, joking online or sending funny pics.  He seems to enjoy keeping in touch, asking what I am doing etc,  and we don't place any demands or expectations on him. My dd however doesn't really seem to like me and doesn't care what we are doing etc.  Not sure there is much I can do about that unless she wants to invite me to counseling.   But yes, I like the idea that "no news is good news!!"

[Arlen]

Today I struggle trying to keep depression at bay, or it is intense grief? Either way I am finding I have to walk gently with myself, and allow myself the right to grieve. I think it is the ambiguity that makes it so hard. Time to do the things I love to try and distract myself.

[Pooh]

Definitely try to do something you like to shift the attention away from it.  It's probably both, grief and pain.  Again, totally normal but you just can't get stuck in it.  Sending good thoughts your way.

[luise.volta]

We're with you, C. We are all so unique and each one of us has our own way of moving through what knocks us over. I lost my husband five (plus) months ago but even though loss through death is natural, I found that my depression and grief weren't touched by the grief groups and counseling Hospice offered. I have to exercise...and I do...every day. I walk a fast 3 miles and then I go to Curves and work out. For me, the endorphins evaporate the depression and grief that nothing else can touch. Sending love...

[Pen]

It's so important to keep a handle on this; that downward spiral can get us before we know it. I struggle very hard some days. I need to try to keep one issue separate from another - in other words, not allow my issues with DS/DIL define me in my marriage, my work, the rest of my life. Staying active and finding activities that interest me and get me out of my rut really help.

[Arlen]

Pen, I needed  to read your words, "not allow my issues with DS/DIL define me in my marriage, my work, the rest of my life."  because as much pain as I am in, I don't want my being depressed to the point it will hurt my marriage. A sadness has already descended on us and I feel I need to look after my husband as he tries to look after me and we squeeze joy out of life.