Hello, I'm new

[Rosebud]

I'm not sure where to put this, here or under dil. Both apply I guess. Not really even sure why I'm here because I'm a very private person. Years of pain I guess and seeing there are others like me. I want to finally heal and live my life and not feel alone.

When my only child, my son, became a teenager he started blaming me for all kinds of things and accusing me of all kinds of things and verbally attacking me constantly. I didn't understand it at all, and I was so hurt and confused. He was self imposed unhappy, I knew that. But I kept telling myself that one day he would grow up and see it, and yes maybe it's selfish but I also hoped that when he did he would see that no matter what he did to me I still always stood by him.

He met a girl, actually at my urging. I was really happy for him that he appeared to be happy. I'm not one of those moms that wants their son chained to them and no one else, although I am one of those moms, or people, that family means a lot to me.

I welcomed her with open arms and as long as he was happy she must be wonderful. It was all I ever wanted for him.

But unbeknownst to me even though he met someone, he was still blaming me for a past that never happened, and even making up lies about me. For her part, she knew how I treated her, she knew how I treated him, direct conflict to what he was saying about me. Yet she also chose to treat me like garbage because of lies.

She's done things to me to deliberately hurt me, when I've said to him, this hurt my feelings he's attacked me. Like I don't have a right to feelings at all. She's done things that I wouldn't do to anyone, and if I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings I would apologize. 

Yes it's him, and I don't understand. But she readily goes along and encourages it. I'm not putting it all on her but she sure encourages it.

A year and a half ago he moved in with her family and my husband and I never heard from him.  A few months ago we started hearing from him, they moved out. I never said anything about them or asked, and honestly it was like walking on eggshells.

I was ready to just forgive and forget and maybe he grew up so let's put an end to that chapter and start today. But he keeps blaming me for a past that never happened. He says he's not ready for phone calls etc. although I never told him I wanted to call. Says he's moving on beyond what I did to him. I never did anything to him. Says he wants to talk about his feelings, which are blaming me for what I never was. But when I try to reply and tell him its not true and let's talk, nadda.

[freespirit]

Hi Rosebud. I know it takes a while to jump over ones shadow and open up, but it's worth it. There are so many understanding women here.

It's bad enough to have a rude hostile adult child, but a child who makes up stories and lies must be totally frustrating and aggravating. 

How do you confront someone who believes his own lies?   Well, I can only think you may need a neutral moderator. In any case, You need to hear your son out.  Ask him to tell you his problems, calmly and without aggression. He then should hear you out, without interrupting you. You need to lay down the facts; don't whine or accuse him of lying. Simply state how things were. It would help if you could do this with a family counselor.

I think the girlfriend should just be ignored at this point of time. Settle this with your son, and not her.

Hope your son is willing to clear this all up. That would be the first step in the right direction.

[Rosebud]

Thank you.

I have told him that I want to hear, because I don't want him to have memories that he thinks he has to live through. I've never accused him or been hostile, but he's told me that he's survived me, and lived on and doesn't think I'm a monster because he survived.

I love my son, I never did what he wants to create.

The girlfriend? At this point I hate her. To be totally honest I hate him too.

[Pooh]

Welcome Rosebud.  Please take a moment to read the posts under "Open Me First" about the forum rules and the way we flow.  Nothing wrong with your post, we just all new members to do this.

I always say that I will always love my Son, I just don't like him very much.

[luise.volta]

My experience was that I refused to talk when my son was ready to. He started his campaign regarding his terrible childhood and his witch-of-a-mother when he was 13...after a dozen, well-documented, good years and tried, unsuccessfully, to convince his brother, seven years younger that it was true. When he told me he wanted me to attend counselling sessions with him, I said "no". His therapist was not a neutral party by any stretch of the imagination...and I was unwilling to be tried in a Kangaroo Court. My son was in his 40s by then and I told him that I was simply not up for it...that I loved him dearly...and that his perceptions and what he made up were about him, not me. While definitely walking on eggshells, we remained friends through it all and that was a major miracle. At age 52, he died in his sleep of a sleep apnea induced stroke. My only regrets have been about his self-imposed misery. I was a good mom...gave it my best shot...and my second son, our WWU Webmaster, is a dear and loyal guy. We can't win 'em all.

[freespirit]

Rosebud, I meant that  your son should tell you his problems calmly,.....I wasn't referring to you. Sorry about that mix up.

You may hate your son now, but it still hurts. I found despising my son, released me too. It helped to set me free.

[Lillycache]

I'm sorry you are being treated this way.  We all raise our kids the best way we know how and do everything we can for them, so it hurts when they appear to have a whole different memory set that what we know to be reality.  But as painful as this is.. you know for sure where he stands.   In my case.. my DIL told me during our final fight that if I even KNEW the things my son always says about me, I would never speak to him again... YET.. when my son calls and comes over he is as nice as can be and always tells me he loves me and calls me by the old pet names he had for me as a child... and sugar won't melt in his mouth.  SO... what do I believe?  One of them is lying their butt off..  Consequently, I'm never letting my guard down, or getting too comfortable with my son.  Which perhaps was the intent my DIL had..  OR perhaps my son is a two faced hypocrite...  I don't know.   However, like you.. I KNOW that I did the best I could for my kids, and I never intentionally did anything that I knew to be abusive or hurtful to them.  In the end.. that's all we can do.

[herbalescapes]

I was having lunch with a friend a few weeks ago.  We were talking about our kids and what they are doing now and about raising them, etc.  I commented that I imagine what I view as the mistakes I made as a mother wouldn't match up with what they viewed as the mistakes I made as a mother.  I consider it a plus that I was sometimes the room mom, Sunday school teacher, sports coach, scout leader, etc.  I was involved.  But maybe to them, I was over-involved, controlling and untrusting.  Two people can look at the same actions and come away with completely different interpretations.  Maybe one of my kids appreciated my involvement while another resented it.  Who knows?  And you certainly don't know in the midst of parenting how your kids are going to interpret your actions down the line!

Unless your son is accusing you of specific actions that didn't happen (you tied me up and locked me in the basement every night!), consider that his complaints/criticisms are very valid to him.  If he is accusing you of specific things that didn't happen, consider he may be suffering from some mental illness.

Regarding GF, what do you expect her to do?  Your DS is giving her a version of his past.  if she wants to keep him, she's going to accept that he is telling the truth.  Doesn't matter that your actions towards her are a complete 180 from his stories.  Many people are hypocritical and hide their viciousness towards one person under a veneer of politeness towards everyone else.  I don't find it odd at all that she's accepting his word.  If she has to pick between you or him, obviously she's going to pick him.  Not easy for you to deal with, I know, but there it is. 

Just stay strong and don't start believing ds's stories and questioning yourself.  Good luck. 

[sad]

Good point herbalescapes.  My daughter's husband has some twisted, untrue stories about my daughter's past too.  Of course, he will choose her... That makes total sense.  I never thought of it that way.

[JaneF]

Hello and welcome.  I understand your anger and your pain.  I too have experienced some of what you speak about with a son.  I think the other gals have done a great job as always in their replies.  I was lucky my son grew up and views things much differently now.  Keep coming back, Luise and the ladies are very supportive and it's great to have a place to just talk out your feelings...they let me rant often!  J

[clara]

I have seen a pattern in my family that you could think about.  I am of Irish descent and have someone, in my large family generally more than one someone, in every generation who has substance abuse issues.  I noticed that all of these people who are near enough to my age to be known well are blamers.  Even though they are fully formed adults, they say Mom didn't love me enough, Sis got more attention, Brother didn't help me, etc. etc.  I suspect that their abuse of substances and this blame thing is connected in some way.  Even when the blame is justified, it's just so destructive in every direction.   Even after some of them overcame substance problems, the blame thing remained, like brown eyes or freckles.  Hmm.  It's just a theory, but maybe your DS is just a blamer and you could be relieved if he is not also addictive.