March 28, 2024, 09:08:01 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Now they want to fix it and I'm not sure it can be fixed

Started by confusedbyinlaws, July 15, 2013, 07:01:24 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Pooh

I think you have your answer CBI.  You asked in your first post what should you do if they call?  I think by hashing it out here, you have answered your own question.  With the way you feel, it sounds like it would be best if you continue with what you are doing, which is not having a relationship with them.

I made that same decision with my own DS/DIL.  After years of trying to accept how DIL was, I couldn't do it anymore.  Although I agree with herbal on people should be nice, I also had to be someone I totally was not in a room full of people.  I could sit there and joke and have conversations about anything and everything with 4 other people in the room, but if you said anything to DIL, she was in a huff.  So in order to try and make DIL more comfortable, it became exactly how herbal described.  We would have conversations...but they were around her.  We didn't include her and let her do her own thing.  It then became that we were ignoring her and didn't like her.  No, it was me trying not to insult or give an opinion to DIL, because she would get upset.  The conversations with her did become just non-committal stuff about the weather or whatever she wanted to talk about, without me offering an opinion.  It was very strained to just sit there and go, "Uh huh, yes...Uh huh."

That actually was what led to the end of the relationship.  I couldn't talk to her like everyone else, which is my personality.  She didn't have to like my personality, that's ok.  But in trying to be someone I wasn't and let her be who she wanted, it then changed to I was excluding her.  Ok, I was.  I was purposefully excluding her in our lively conversations because when we tried to include her, she got offended.   :o

What do you do?  I finally decided that I was going to be who I was and either she could accept it or not, just as I was trying to accept who she was.  She didn't and we haven't spoken now in almost two years.  In doing so, I also lost DS.   The strained relationship between her and I caused a strained relationship between DS and I.  Not that I'm blaming her.  DS can make up his own mind and he did.

So I think your MIL should be very thankful that you are open to DH going to see her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

I agree.... I firmly believe that sometimes there is just no getting along or feeling comfortable with another person.  This is why I have chosen to not ever have a relationship with my DIL.  I would never be comfortable saying anything around her.  My son is aware of this, and while I'm sure it bothers him that his wife and I feel the way we do about one another, it is much better than him playing referee or being caught  in the middle.   He is pretty good about  visiting and bringing the kids to see me.. and I am grateful for that, and I think in the long run it's a much better solution for you and your MIL also.   Sometimes things are just too broken to be fixed.

nanaabby

If you read your posts again with a clear open mind--I believe you will find your answer. 

I'm not near as wise as the other women here; but I do think there comes a time when enough is enough; and to me it's clear you've had enough.


confusedbyinlaws

Thanks all for your feedback.  I don't want to have a relationship with them any more and feeling that way, I suppose it is best to stay away.  But why do I feel so guilty and wrong about it if it's the right thing to do?

Pooh

Because you're human and probably like the rest of us, wish it could be different.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell