Author Topic: I just officially fired myself as Emotional Hostage: never take this job!  (Read 3220 times)

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Offline Footloose

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Dear Friends,
It has been a bit over a year since joining your lovely group and 18 mos since being connected in any way to my son and his young family.  My newest GC was born LAST June and she is over a year now.

And what do I plan to do about his, "we r moving back to your area,want to build a relationship w/ you  and aren't you happy to get to meet your new GD?!"  Absolutely NOTHING!  I listened and gave happy replies but asked no questions and offered no advice nor personal information and that was easy because he never asked about anyone just filled me in on what is happening with them, ad nauseum....

So much water under the bridge!  So much hurt and sadness I have carried along the way and just as I am able to let it all go and have mended my hurt, here we go again?!

So, should I be excited to finally have a chance to meet my GD and see my 3 GSons? Maybe in a better world than where I live.  I actually feel sick,afraid and NOT READY!

I now understand what has been going on between us and I am weary to even go down that path again.  I have set myself free and will be no one's Emotional Hostage.

While I still have deep motherly love for him, I do not like the little I truly know about him since he married, 5 yrs ago.  The GC have done just fine w/o me and i have done finally fine w/o my GC.  Based on his heartless actions and witnessing his honed chameleon skills, I cannot trust him and must keep a "wait and see" attitude but without the wait cuz my life goes on!
For my own emotional safety, I decided and DH agreed that I will not be taking any calls from DS or DIL when my DH  is not on speaker with us.  DH never had kids and he is a perfect buffer for my fragile heart.  DH can spot manipulation at lightening speed as can I but not when those GC are dangled in front of me.  I WANT my GCs in my life but I and they do not NEED that. I do NEED and WANT my DH!  We and our 4legged kids are our FAMILY, along with the dear friends we share.

I just hate that this has to be so dang hard!

Offline luise.volta

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Survival pure and simple, FL. You didn't start out in this mind-set, it was a learned experience with many painful lessons. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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So hard FL.  I have thought to myself, many times, what would I do if DS ever made that offer.  And I can say honestly, I don't know either.  Part of me would like to think that meant he had changed and matured, and part of me still thinks I would be setting myself up for the heartache again.

I would like to think that I would take that opportunity to find out which one it was because I also know myself well.  I would probably second-guess my decision for the rest of my life and think "what if" I had done it.

All I can offer, because I truly don't know what I would do, is to say whatever decision you make, stay true to yourself. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Footloose

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Thanks, Pooh.  I am taking it as an opportunity but not counting on it to change anything.  Time will tell?  I will keep u all posted....

Leopards do not change their spots.  Maybe dear son shed his leopard skin to reveal a warm human being instead?

Offline loborena12

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My heart breaks for you. I am in the beginning of being cut out of my D.'s life. If she wasn't so so selfish I would be missing GC like you. It's so hard to keep from thinking . Thinking about the ugly names she has called me, it's so dern embarrassing and humiliating. I will put you in my prayers, thank you God for letting me find these women here, they have saved my life. 

Offline Footloose

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Thanks, L!  Welcome to our group.<3

The rubber,glue saying comes to mind.  Sounds l like her name calling may better apply to her instead of u! 

WWU, my shrink and  DH have saved my life too!

My warm  wishes are sent your way in hopes that u get to feeling better each day as u replace the loss with other happy thoughts of what all this open time and freedom from worry and hurt will bring to your recovery.

It's about time!  Blessings!

Offline luise.volta

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l-12, Welcome!  :) Please go to our Home Page and under the heading Open Me First, read all of the post there. The Forum Agreement is especially important to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website. Thanks!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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FL, the term "loving detachment" comes to mind. You know you love your DS & your GC, but you aren't going to engage right now. Good for you for taking care of yourself!

Welcome, L-12. Glad you've found us :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline nanaabby

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I can so relate to your situation.  I'm firmly digging my heals in and sticking by my decision a month ago when I joined this lovely site - that my remaining days are about me!! 

When the drama's on, we're so torn and hurt; meanwhile, our DC aren't loosing sleep, their hearts aren't yearning to see us like we are to see them or our grandchildren.

I say - do what makes you feel comfortable.  It's heartwarming to know DH has your back!  Kuddos to him!!

Offline Lillycache

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It's all about self preservation in my opinion.  We know how the pain felt.. and we know that if left unguarded we risk being subjected to it again.  I have learned to accept my role as GMINO.. grandmother in name only.  It wasn't my choice.  However, once I accepted it, the pain stopped.  I'm not leaving myself open to that again.   Like you, I know that my GKs are just fine without me taking a very active part in their lives, and that's fine.   I'm certainly not going down that heartache path again..nothing is worth that. 

Offline LonelyGirl

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Dear FL, I can relate to this as I just quit being an Emotional Hostage as well. Yes, it hurts so much to do this but I can't allow my DS to keep stabbing me again and again, finally it has to stop somewhere or they keep on doing it. I have family and friends and also my four legged babies to help along the way. I read somewhere people treat us the way they do because we allow it, not anymore, enough is enough. Maybe someday they will miss us just as much as we miss them.

Offline Keys Girl

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FL, I think you are wise to keep your expectations low and to protect yourself with as much as possible.

I don't know what I would do if my son were to try to get back in touch with me, I've come to enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from being given the cold shoulder.

Trust your guts, they are telling you something.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown