I just don’t understand.

[GrandmaM]

Maybe your husband's change of heart was a combination of hearing his brother-in-law's words and sensing that you are weighing your options..?

Either way, it's a good thing and this is a good place for us to come together, I think... Thanks, luise!

[Lillycache]

In my experience, abusive people don't change.. or if they do, it takes a lot more than a sermon at a funeral.   They DO, however have an uncanny sense that they are about to lose the object of their abuse and will pull back just enough to lull you into a sense of security before the abuse happens again.  So long as you keep that in mind and keep that suitcase packed for this event.  BUT.. be sure to use it the next time..  Nothing is more damaging to your power than false threats.  Have your mind made up and be absolutley sure to have a plan.  Money..place to go.. etc..  Then go..  Just knowing you have this in your pocket is enpowering in and of itself. 

[freespirit]

Lol, GrandmaM...I had to laugh when you suggested the signs. And what should I write on them? I'm better at giving advice to others than to myself. 

I think you are right Lilly. I haven't moved the suitcase, and the money thing is organized as well. It just impressed me that my husband took the blame on himself. Apparently he knew all along what an xxx  he has been. And don't they say the first step to healing is admitting the mistakes...or was that AA?

Nanaabby, thank you for your dear words, they touched me. They really did.  And thank you Pen and Luise for validating my hope.

[GrandmaM]

Hi freespirit!

Other than suggesting kindness towards each other, like you, I'm not very good at giving advice...

Maybe a sign that reads No live bait here... Gone fishing  ... might get the message across in a light-hearted manner?

Wishing all the best for you and yours!

[GrandmaM]

PS... Not that I think you don't give good advice... I truly appreciated your sign suggestion and will definitely be using it!

[sad]

There is not a chance that I would allow family members to make fun of me in front of other people.  Oh snap.  Not ever happening.  You give it back to those boys when they start it again. That is my opinion.  Think about how to give it back.  Do it once and they will never do that to you again.  Again, my opinion...based on experience.  Maybe you could think of something that everyone find great fun in.  A little embarrassment, but not enough to damage anyone.  Just enough so your kids know that YOU KNOW a little more than they want the audience to know.   ha ha ha.... they'll back off.

[freespirit]

Hi Sad, sorry it took so long to reply to your motivating post. I actually sat back and thought about some stories I could tell about them...but then I thought,...no, I would be lowering myself to their level. I think countering with whipping out a sign, and holding it  in front of my chest, would be a riout and it may stop them in their tracks. I just got to think of something very clever to write on it. Duh.. it's too hot to think around here.

[Pooh]

How about:

"Global Warming is also my fault!"

[luise.volta]

You can't believe a thing they say. DS/Webmaster thinks I make the sun come up! 

[Pooh]

You do!

[luise.volta]

   

[Keys Girl]

I agree with Pooh about the sun, and I would throw in the moon and the stars for Luise.

I also agree with everything LC says.  Talk is just talk wherever it is.  People who are used to pushing you around dial the volume up and down with promises or apologies until they find the right level that seems to motivate you to stay with them. 

Have you considered getting some professional marriage counselling? sometimes you go without the partner and that's a good place to start. 

Don't forget to tell them you were responsible for WWII the next time should someone put you down again.  Have some fun with it.  Stick out your arms and say "Yup, I have big shoulders, I am all powerful, I am woman, I am responsible for every major war in the last 500 years, every scrap of misery ever endured and throw in the Bubonic Plague just for fun".  I've tried this before and it's so absurd that everyone will probably start laughing.  Anyone ever blame you for anything again, you can say "Oh that's so wussy compared to WWII", don't waste my time with that nonsense.

KG

[freespirit]

You got me smiling all the way from over the big blue pond.  Thank you, and your answers are so supportive,...this could be the start of a  best seller book! I'm not kidding.

Pooh, I love, "Global Warming is also my fault!" It's short and says it all!
Luise, I wrote your reply down. It's brilliant.

KeysGirl, we have been to marriage counseling,...and you would not believe the outcome. The therapist really got on my husband, saying he worsens things with his behavior etc. After the therapy, while leaving the building, Hubby turns around to me and says, "See, even the therapist is on my side.  ... Whaat? ......" 

I'll tell you, girls, it's all about the money that I'm still here,  and the fact that it isn't always bad. I don't have the energy, like Luise, to start from the beginning. I need the pension money, and therefore I have no choice but try to make the best of all of this. I think I mentioned that I'm reading a book about thankfulness. Despite all the grief, there is so much to be thankfull for, and I'm trying to focus on that. It's working!

The book recommends laying a rounded stone next to the bed. It's a stone without edges, and it supposed to represent our lives and how we need to focus on all that is good. The day begins with a thank you and ends with one. It's about being gratefull for everything, from toothpaste to a friendly smile. It's about being more aware, and allowing that side of life to tilt the scale. And it's working! I read a little every day and practice the exercises. My step is lighter, my vision on life is filled with more awareness of the good and beauty around me. Add all your comments have strengthened my self esteem, ...well I have progressed since the beginning of this post. I thank you all!

[Didi.lost]

I'm glad you feel stronger Freespirit.  It's so wonderful that we have each other on this site that helps us see what
we ourselves couldn't see.

Keys Girl.......you crack me up hahahahahahaha

[constantmargaret]

I have to chime in.

My kids like to poke fun at me and they don't have much on me so they pull out the same old stuff every time, like when I was a sick and exhausted single mother of 6 and they were all running around like a pack of wild hyenas and I was trying to take the one nap I ever had in my life and I roared from my bedroom, "QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They tell that story every chance they get to anyone who will listen and I hate it because it makes me sound like a monster. They also love to tell about the dinner I used to make occasionally with red kidney beans, cabbage, onion and one measly package of kielbasa to feed our entire family. Hey, we were broke! Apparently, they didn't like it, but I never noticed any leftovers..... To hear them talk I fed them a quarter cup of gruel for every meal.

Come to think about it, my siblings and I still tease our mother about the Velveeta and grape jelly sandwiches on Wonder bread with the apple sitting on top of it in a greasy reused brown paper sack for lunches. (Everybody else had Flipper lunch boxes and bologna and cheese.) My mother just shrugs and says, "You were lucky to have it."

I'm just trying to get you to laugh about the teasing. In my case it is all in good fun (even though I know it, it doesn't always feel good)but it sounds like yours is truly hurtful. If I wanted to fight fire with fire this is what I'd do.

Go to the local gun shop and pick up a package of those targets with the outline of a human being. Draw a heart with a red sharpie marker in the middle of the cross hairs and paste a picture of your face on the head. Write MOM in big letters on the top. Hang it in your closet and have it ready. Then when the shots start, go get it, stick it up on the wall with a thumbtack and say, "I'm feeling lazy. I think I'll go get something edible. Resume fire." Then get your purse and take yourself out to dinner. Get dessert.