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I just don’t understand.

Started by freespirit, July 23, 2013, 05:51:31 AM

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freespirit


This past weekend we had a barbeque. Family and friends, including my two adult sons were there.  Everything was happy and harmonious, till my youngest son started insulting me. My oldest son joined in, and the two simply made up stories about me being a lousy cook, a lazy person, someone who orders everyone else around and so on.  They didn't shy away from putting me down in front of friends and grandchildren. They didn't even stop when my neighbors said directly to their faces that they had a totally different image of them. My sons just continued laughing like two immature 14 year olds, thinking they were being hilarious.

Why do they do this? Needless to say, none of their claims have the slightest truth to them. I'll say it anyway, though, because it's only normal for people to think there must be some truth behind their insults.  Just the contrary, I was a devoted stay at home Mom, cooked my children two meals a day. I'm the furthest thing from lazy, in fact I built up a successful business all on my own. I'm 64, and care for my grandchildren 3-4 days a week. As far as bossing people around, I am way too considerate to ever be like that. Maybe that's it. Maybe they are jealous? As sick as that sounds, it is the only plausible reason I can think of. But still, isn't there any respect, any love? Why do they put me down, rock each up to the point of evil laughter, making a cruel game of it. They are 37 and 35 years old.  I couldn't sleep at all that night, thinking I just want to move away from this family. I don't need this....and I'm so very tired of it.

So here I am feeling mighty sorry for myself. I kept my mouth shut, for the sake of keeping a good atmosphere at the party. Besides, they were so into their insulting "thing", if I had opened my mouth they would have turned my words around and thrown them right back at me.  Honestly I would have loved to have just gotten in my car, and driven somewhere far far away.

When I complain to my husband about him not sticking up for me as well, his pat answer is; don't take it so seriously, they were just joking around. Well,...I'm not laughing,  and nobody else thought it was funny either. You know, I wonder if I should  send each one of them a copy of this post. :(
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

jdtm

QuoteWhy do they put me down

Why?  - to build themselves up

QuoteThey didn't even stop when my neighbors said directly to their faces that they had a totally different image of them. My sons just continued laughing like two immature 14 year olds, thinking they were being hilarious.

Seriously, your sons did more harm to their character than they could ever have done to you.  Such behaviour .... I wonder if they have any friends ....

QuoteHonestly I would have loved to have just gotten in my car, and driven somewhere far far away.

Seems like a good plan to me - a better one would have been to ask them to leave (or never to ask them again to a large function where they will be able to embarrass/humiliate you).  I believe it was Dr. Phil who said that one "teaches people how to treat you" - humm .... tough thoughts there.

QuoteWhen I complain to my husband about him not sticking up for me as well, his pat answer is; don't take it so seriously, they were just joking around.

This statement is just so sad. 

QuoteYou know, I wonder if I should  send each one of them a copy of this post.

No way - I wouldn't give your sons the satisfaction on paper (or ammunition) for future harassment.  I tell my granddaughter that when you are mean to others, one of two things happen - either they will be mean to you back or they will simply walk away.  I'm not saying that you should "walk away" from your sons, but maybe a bit (or a lot) of distance/catering, serving, appeasing/justifying might be wise.  So sorry for your dilemma ....

freespirit

Thank you jdtm for your quick response. Your first answer made a lot of sense to me. I never looked at it that way before. Both of them have stressful lives, and both have issues with their x and present wife.

They have many friends. The younger one, demeans me infront of his friends as well. It has even come to the point where his friends have reprimanded him. Last Xmas I told him not to come. That was my present to myself. He then got his act together for about 5 months,...and now it's back to the old ways again.
Dr. Phil is right. I have to do something.
And jdtm, you are right. Sending a copy of this post would probably just feed their sick egos.

I do feel better after venting. Thank you for listening.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

herbalescapes

Alcohol?  I dunno.  Sometimes adults just revert to adolescence when they return home.  I don't offer that as an excuse, just an observation.  Usually I'm the one saying give your AC some leeway in that they may have a very different perspective about their growing up years, BUT, here, you're sons picked the wrong venue.  Putting someone down in front of others under the guise of "just joking" is a passive aggressive way to be mean.  It's a behavior hard to confront because "they were just joking" and "you're just taking it too seriously." I can't give them any credit for trying to solve issues because clearly they were not. 

I think you have a bigger gripe against DH.  How'd he like it if you started saying how you found the milk man much more attractive, just jokingly, of course?  My DH used to tell me how "that shouldn't bother you" when I complained about things.  I'd point out whether it should or not is besides the point.  The point is these things do bother me and he should be bothered that I'm bothered.  I started throwing it back in his face.  When he'd complain about how I was handling my issues I"d point out "that shouldn't bother you."  Needless to say, he didn't like being on the receiving end. 

Not sure tit for tat would work for you and DH.  When your anger abates, find a method you're comfortable with to confront DH's lack of support.  His lack of support can be a bigger problem than anything your sons do.  Don't let sons or DH pull you down and question yourself.  Stay strong. 

Pooh

Not that it makes you feel any better, but it sounds like they made horsie patooties out of themselves and that everyone noticed.  I am learning that how people behave or treat others is a reflection on them, not me.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at "letting things slide" any longer that are so blatantly hurtful.  I probably would have stood up and announced, "I'll be back in a minute, I need to go remove the knives from my back" and went in the house for a few minutes.   Then if DH or anyone would have said, "Oh come on, they were just joking", I would have said, "Yes, so was I" and gave them the "I dare you" look.  :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

freespirit

Herbal, no, I wish i could excuse their behaviour with alcohol...but they didn't drink.
Yes, they do revert to adolescence when they return home. Hmmm...I didn't know that some adults do that. They fit in THAT category in every way.

At this point I feel I could put all three into a sack and hit them with a frying pan. No matter who I hit, it's the right one.  :o

I won't let DH  pull me down. I'm just frustrated and disappointed that he is the way he is. When I think back how my father flipped out whenever we children were fresh to my mother. I never ever had that support in my marriage. My husband's silence is not only cowardly, (just wanting to be one of the boys), it's like he is against me and siding along with them.

What a good line; "I need to go remove the knives from my back." Pooh, oh how I wish I had said that!! I am usually not at a loss for words, but something happens to me when I get treated unjustly. It takes my breath away. I am totally overwhelmed and hurt, and at the same time am preoccupied in  making a good show of it, especially if non-  family members are present. Ugh...  >:(.......If they would look at me while putting me down, it would help to give them that" I dare you look." But they avoid looking at me...I guess that's why.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

elsieshaye

Quote from: freespirit on July 23, 2013, 09:16:18 AM
When I think back how my father flipped out whenever we children were fresh to my mother. I never ever had that support in my marriage.

I think you've got your answer right here, as to why.  Their father allowed it and encouraged it with his silence.  He and your sons bond at your expense. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

luise.volta

July 23, 2013, 10:31:07 AM #7 Last Edit: July 23, 2013, 01:03:05 PM by luise.volta
I'm a bit late here...but hold that "Send" button. That's my take. They knew what they were doing, even though they may not know the name for it...passive aggression. Anything you say or do will give them more fuel. I agree about further get togethers...and Dr. Phil's comment. I also agree that your husband was the most clueless, at best, and gutless, at worst. I don't know what I would have done...but what I would like to think I might have gotten up and publicly announced..."Well, guys, I see that my time is up as the scapegoat here. Open Season On Mom is officially over, so I'm heading for home. It's been such fun, as the next person will soon experience. Anyone want to take a crack at my "kids?" (Exit laughing...)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Quote from: freespirit on July 23, 2013, 05:51:31 AM
My sons just continued laughing like two immature 14 year olds, thinking they were being hilarious. She who laughs last, laughs best.

Why do they do this? My take.  They do it because the don't have any respect for you and know there won't be consequences.  You let them go on because you didn't want your other guest to be uncomfortable.  Really? what about your comfort levels?? but they knew this, they did this to destroy your comfort.  They know you better likely than anyone else does. They know exactly how to hurt you.

The concept that your mother is always your ever suffering mother who will up with whatever you dish out is deeply rooted in this society.  Verbal abuse from someone with a biological connection is still verbal abuse.  If you want to accept that, it's your choice.  It will give you more and more reason to feel sorry for yourself, if that's what you want to do.
 

Just the contrary, I was a devoted stay at home Mom, cooked my children two meals a day. I'm the furthest thing from lazy, in fact I built up a successful business all on my own.  Oh, built up a business and maybe the boys didn't like the fact that you might have taken a couple of minutes away from them?

I'm 64, and care for my grandchildren 3-4 days a week. For free, I'll bet!

Maybe they are jealous? Probably, and I'd throw lazy and unappreciative into the mix.

But still, isn't there any respect, any love? Sadly, no.  It's not possible to have love without respect, I was told a long time ago.

Why do they put me down, rock each up to the point of evil laughter, making a cruel game of it. They are bullying you, and bullies pick on people they know won't fight back, or who are too weak to be of a threat to them.

I couldn't sleep at all that night, thinking I just want to move away from this family. I don't need this....and I'm so very tired of it.  It's not against the law to move away from anyone, and you don't have to tell anyone. 

You can rock the boat big time or you can remember the phrase "The floggings will continue until the morale improves". 

Your grandchildren of course are the hostages.  I don't have any (that I know of) so I can't speak to that.  I can speak to the fact that it is possible to have a better life without your AC in it.  Removing any type of abuse from your life leaves room for the good stuff and good people

When I complain to my husband about him not sticking up for me as well, his pat answer is; don't take it so seriously, they were just joking around. Well,...I'm not laughing,  and nobody else thought it was funny either. You know, I wonder if I should  send each one of them a copy of this post. :(

Send them a copy of the post? Nope.  Go on an unexpected, unexplained holiday for an undetermined period of time......Piece of cake.  New phone number, turn the phone off.  Put a bounce back message on your email that says "my internet service is currently unreliable". 

In your back pocket remember that you can:
Send them a letter from a lawyer telling them that you are no longer providing free babysitting services, and you are providing them with an invoice for at least $10,000 for services provided in the past (attached a scale of the States's minimum wage), and tell them that if provide them with a restraining order to not allow them to come within a mile or so from you because of their verbal abuse in front of a group of people who could testify against them in court? Yup. 
Send your husband the letter that he has 24 hours to vacate the premises and find a woman who doesn't mind being trash talked by family and include the phrase "Take this seriously, I'm not joking around".  There is a word for husbands like that. GOODBYE.
Get someone to mock up a photograph of the two rug rats who have a lot of fun "joking around" and ask the local newspaper to run this ad "No deposit, no return for two adult sons who get their jollies by trash talking their mother.   Will sign adoption papers within the hour for anyone with a pulse who wants them.  No love, no respect and no waiting around, you can have them immediately, cause the "Bully Your Mother Department" is closed.   Let them know that the "Mom's No Fool and She Can Bully Her Sons If She Chooses" Department can be opened........
Send them a letter from the lawyer with the Mockup telling them that if they try to reach or bother you while you are on vacation for the immediate future, the file will be sent to the New York Times first.
Change the locks, change you phone number and take every document and item of value and put them into a large safety deposit box while your husband isn't paying attention. 
Take your passport, get in your car, drive away to some place far way where you can forget about the ingrates or get to the airport where you can get on a plane and buy everything you need once you get there.  You don't need a suitcase, I hear Paris has lovely clothes.
Take off your wedding ring and if a man who has some courtesy and respect for you wants to have a conversation, tell him your calendar is very busy, but you'll keep him in mind.  Give him a sweet smile as a reward for his attention.  Paris has some lovely Cafes, watch out for the land sharks, but you probably won't find any man in that city who will talk to you and provoke laughter and malice like the biological units, and a husband for whom the word bozo is too good.  You'll soon forget that horrible shaft of pain when your guts twist as your sons try to shame you as punishment for your devotion.

I know it's incredibly painful when it's too late to turn back the clock and to be able to not choose to spend 9 months bringing a couple of BUs (biological Units) into the world but Mother Nature makes a mistake every once in a while, just look at those frogs with 6 legs.

When you are dealing with bullies, you CAN ONLY OUT BULLY THEM OR GET AWAY FROM THEM.  That's how they will get respect for you.  They have to connect so they can prove to you that they are #2 and anything less infuriates them.

Once you get the ball rolling, you won't be able to stop where the energy goes or how your sons will respond, maybe you'll never see your grandchildren again, they will try to "show you" who is the boss of them but maybe your stomach won't turn when you hear the sound of your sons' voices humiliating you in front of others.

When you are dealing with bullies, you CAN ONLY OUT BULLY THEM OR GET AWAY FROM THEM.  That's how they will get respect for you.  They have to connect so they can prove to you that they are #2 and anything less infuriates them.

I know this is drastic, but if you don't remove yourself as the scapegoat, the game will always be the same. 

KG



"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

dedicatedmom

Oh I feel for you. Why do they do these things? Last year at my GD's baptism my DS and Middle DD sat there in front of me and talked about the terrible food I served them as children. They went on and on. I took kept my mouth shut but let me tell you every day of their lives til they went away to school we had family meals. All together at the table. So many of their friends did not have that. I was determined and held on to that custom as long as I could, until the defiant youngest DD would not join us for dinner. I was very hurt and kept my mouth shut too. Two of my DD's decided to become vegetarian while still living at home and I amended our menus to accommodate them. Ungrateful people I guess. I refused to own it - I cooked healthy meals and often copied some of my mom's recipes. That was a very hurtful day.

luise.volta

Two saying come to mind..."You can't make sense of the senseless"...and...'Respect is an expectation not a given." Sendlng love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

Oh my goodness, I should have done all these strong backbone things so long ago! I often  thought of leaving, and  one time I did. But Hubby came looking for me crying and begging for me to come back. It was so much easier to give in, instead of coping through life all by myself. It was a mistake, a big one. I know. I may have had made it, with all of you backing me up and giving me strength,...but ....

As is...I needed this talking to more than ever. I cried while reading your comments, but it was tears of relief, because you all seem to understand what I'm  going through, and I thank you so much for that. That alone, has been missing big time in my life. I ended up, though laughing and crying while reading Keys Girl words,  "I know it's incredibly painful when it's too late to turn back the clock and to be able to not choose to spend 9 months bringing a couple of BUs (biological Units) into the world but Mother Nature makes a mistake every once in a while, just look at those frogs with 6 legs."  That completely cracked me up. Thank you, jeez...after your post, KW,  I felt like a truck ran over me,...but it really felt good. Now figure that? I needed that talking to, and I needed that confirmation that I am being verbally abused. And like elsieshaye said, the "boys" have been bonding at my expense. How dare they! Oh yes dedicatedmom...those hurtful days can't be easily forgotton...but then we do forget them when we have joyous days...and then comes the hurtful day...it's plain cruel.

Luise can't you beam yourself over onto my shoulder at these family outings.  I need you to whisper in my ear. But I am working on it,...oh yes I am,...and I'm at the point, where I can't wait for them to put me  down again,...for I'll show them! I really will, and I will have my little overnight bag packed and waiting, with my little old expense account, ready to be spent, maybe not in Paris ( too expensive) but I have my secret places where I'll be off to.

Just to be fair, and I need to get this off my chest,...of course it's not ALL bad. That is what has kept me hanging on. It's these emotional rollercoaster rides that make  me want to stop and get off. They can all be very caring, and especially my husband, very sweet...but what good is it, when I know it never lasts.

I am hoping that vacationing alone...far away from  the family will make them change. It's not easy at 64, especially financially, to start over again. I hope by showing them consequences that they will realize I mean business. And I do.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

I married again at 62 and then had the best 24 years of my life! "It ain't over 'til it's over!" My great guy has only been gone for 5 months on the 21st. Before that, I was a single, full-time, WOMAN, RVer! And that was great, too! :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dedicatedmom


dedicatedmom

Luise - happily married again at 62? You give me hope. So glad you had many years with him, I'm sure you would have loved more but you are strong, I can tell.