June 05, 2020, 10:57:09 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

phone or e-mail?

Started by Stilllearning, July 14, 2013, 12:07:42 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


My DS and DIL are going to be parents in August.  We all live in the same town although I hardly see my DS and I do not expect that to change just because of the new addition.  I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that my DS has decided his life is happier when I am not involved in it.  Oh well....

With the upcoming birth I have new issues.  I am sure that I will be consulting you wonderful wise women for more advice in the upcoming months.  For now I need help with trying to let my DS know that I am OK with not going to the hospital during the labor and delivery without making him feel abandoned.  If anything goes wrong I want to be there for my DS's support but I so do not want to be there with my DIL's family. 

My sister thinks I should send them an e-mail but I am having a very hard time composing one that says what I want to say.  I think an e-mail can be misread too easily.  Inflections are missing along with a myriad of other things.  The only ones that I think are not ambiguous are too clinical.  Still if I phone him then that conversation will be bandied about and eventually misinterpreted. 

So what do you think?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


My take is that your DS knows that. And further, he knows your door is always open. I would trust him to make contact if and when he might see fit. Anything more could be misunderstood and further muddy the waters. What we say and mean and how it is interpreted often have nothing in common. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes, I say do not send a written communication either and wait to see if the subject gets bridged.  I think if DS invites you to the birth, you can very easily turn it around and say something like, "I am excited about the baby, but I also remember how hectic everything was and that you two need your privacy as well.  How about if I wait until you get home and maybe bring some frozen meals over when DIL feels up to company and you're ready for me to visit the baby."

I wouldn't mention anything about it being about DIL's family.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Unfortunately, no one has perfected the perfect form of communication that can't be misconstrued or used against you in a court of family squabbles.  But I have an idea.  Get the GC a little gift and send a card with something like "So excited about your impending bundle of joy.  If I can be of any help ahead of time or at the hospital, let me know.  I'm happy to wait to see Baby once you are home and settled.  I remember how hectic things are and  this is your time as a new family."

Good luck!


StillTrying - were you specifically invited to be at the hospital?

If YES - then feel free to free to bring it up in conversation.  You can start with feelers like "you know, you and DIL can always change your mind about who waits at the hospital, sometimes having a crowd in the waiting room can feel like too much pressure" and then move on to "I've been talking to some other new Moms and apparently some of them really don't want their MILs at the hospital when they give birth.  I COMPLETELY understand and I would HATE to jeopardize my relationship with DIL over this, it's just not worth it."

If NO - then don't bring it up.  Assume you were NOT invited.  If they bring it up say something like "I'd love to be there, but I don't want to intrude on your first moments as a new family." or "Really?  Are you sure that DIL wants her MIL there?  I've had babies and it's hard work, and you want your Mom, not your MIL."


I'm new here and may not know everyone's full story-I'm still reading.  I also have a DD not a DS so things may be different.  I find no matter how I communicate with my DD - she hears only what she wants to hear.  Then twists it all to her benefit.  I do however, think phone is best as you can hear response and be clear in communication.  Whatever you decide, do what is best for YOU.  I'm sorry your going through all this.  It's so sad our children act like this.