Some things we can learn from nature...but what about the rest of it.

[freespirit]

All I know is being a loving mother; a giving and an understanding mother; all those things, any child would want in a parent, is no guarantee that your child will feel connected to you later in his or her life. I truly believe mothers when they say; they don't have a clue as to "why" their offspring are like they are. The ugly injustice, of it all, is what's so terribly upsetting.

I remember, once, feeling sorry for myself, because of the way my son was treating me.  I was sitting on our terrace, observing a bird feeding its young. I don't believe any parent works as hard as those mother birds do.  . And then I thought, gosh they give their all for their chicks, and for what?  Maybe we mothers are only meant to pass on our genes, and then go on with our own lives. Watching that Crazy Bird  ? fly back and forth from her nest was like having nature tell me something;  Do as mother birds do: raise the young and let them fly, and don't ever expect them to come back and feed you a worm.

We will be going on a vacation with our "difficult" son. Did I say vacation? You may think, oh, it can't be that bad if the son wants to spend a vacation with his parents. Believe me; he's only coming for the sake of his daughter and economical reasons. I'll be walking on egg shells. And I'm afraid world war III will break out.  So I need to get myself psyched, empty my brain, and think;  .... Mama bird, don't expect a thing!

The only thing I don't know how to handle, without escalation, are his insults and extreme rudeness in front of my grand daughter. That has nothing to do with expectation. I feel overwhelmed when he treats me that way and I feel extreme dislike towards him. I simply bear it for my grandchild's sake, wanting to avoid a scene in front of her, at all costs.  But frankly it does cost something. It costs my nerves, my health and my happiness.

I'm wondering if anyone knows how I can prepare myself ahead of time. Please don't suggest talking to him before we go. His chip on his shoulder is as big as he is. He would just blow up and accuse me of wanting to fight with him. I need to handle his behavior correctly when it happens. The only reason we are succumbing and taking him along on our caravan vacation is because of our granddaughter. She needs us for stability. He's a good father, but like most men, he loses his patience and can be unreasonable to our grandchild. I feel I have to be there for her.

Thank you so much for reading down to here. 

[herbalescapes]

Start practicing deep breathing exercises.  It's amazing how our panic/anger/etc. will diminish with some deep breaths.  Not disappear, but diminish at least a bit.  I'd also suggest coming up with some pat phrases that mean nothing so it doesn't seem like you're ignoring him, but doesn't have you agreeing with his insults and rudeness.  You have to be careful to avoid any sarcasm.  "Hmmm, I never realized."  "That's one way of looking at things."  "Oh, I hadn't thought of that."  "I see." 

If you are at all of a religious bent, find one or two short prayers you can repeat to yourself to distract yourself from his diatribe.  I find the Serenity Prayer helpful.  If not religious, you could find some appropriate quotes to refocus your mind. 

Keep your eye on the prize - seeing GC.  That's the reason you are subjecting yourself to this "vacation." 

I'd like to comment on your baby bird analogy.  Just a few weeks ago I got into a discussion with a friend about the obligations of AC to their parents.  It seems like a nice circle of life thing for parents to take care of their children, then for AC to take care of their ageing parents, BUT how many parents are willing to go back to the dependence young children have on their parents?  When you are raising your kids, you essentially get to set the rules.  They wear what you tell them to wear, eat what you give them to eat, practice religion how you say, attend the school you send them to, do the chores you tell them to, etc.  (Now I know it's not quite so neat, children will rebel and there's that other parent calling shots, too).  What parent of AC is willing to hand over financial control to their AC so that their AC will provide care?  What parent wants their AC giving them a curfew?  Picking out their clothes and friends?  Do you really want to have to get your AC to sign a permission slip so you can go on a vacation or join a club?  Kids don't ask to be born.  Parents are required to provide for their children for the first 18 years or so of life.  Expecting the same type of support at the end of your life isn't realistic.  It doesn't have to be quite as dramatic as never seeing them again, but realizing there isn't a real obligation for providing can help us getting angry that our expectations aren't being met.  Mothers are more than mothers.  Carving a life that extends beyond the role of motherhood is healthy for the entire family.

Good luck with your vacation. 

[Grieving]

One thing pops into mind as I read your letter, because a friend recently said it to me when we were discussing our 'situations'. You say you don't want to have a scene for your GD sake. What I see is that you could be teaching her that his treatment of you is acceptable, and this is how she should treat people,or how she should expect to be treated. Is that better than having an argument?  Perhaps when he acts in this way, you could calmly say something like I will not be spoken to like that, we will discuss it when you have calmed down, and walk away??Just my opinion---now if I could only solve my own problems 

[Lillycache]

I have three grandchildren.   I love them... but I would forego ever seeing them again if it meant I had to take insults and abuse.. As was stated.. what is that teaching her?  That a male.. even a younger male has the right to be demeaning and insulting to a female?  AND in particular his mother.   That is not something a little girl should grow up feeling is acceptable in any way, shape or form.  I know you love your GD and want to see her, but IMO we have to love ourselves even more.  This may not be a option in your mind.. but I would cancel the vacation... Or if that is not possible.. let my son know that it will be the very last vacation until he can learn proper respect and treatment of a woman.. and elder... AND a mother.   

[freespirit]

You women are wonderful. That's the first thing that comes to my mind. Thank you.

Lilly,  I can't do this to my GD. She is so excited about the vacation, I just can't cancel, although it has crossed my mind. I will, though, follow your advice and when the first confrontation occurs, I will use those very words, " ... it will be the very last vacation until you can learn proper respect and treatment of a woman.. and elder... AND a mother." Yes,...I'm feeling stronger already!

Grieving, lol I know, I almost always have answers for others and their problems. I think we are sometimes too close to our own problems to get the right perspective.  You are right about my son's behavior teaching our GD that his behavior is acceptable. I LOVE your phrase: I will not be spoken to like that, we will discuss it when you have calmed down.   I'm going to take little notes with me, just gentle reminders.

Herbalescapes,....Oh yes, breathing exercise is good. I need that, because he pushes those buttons that kill my insides. I know the Serenity Prayer. That too I will bring with me.
And yes,  I agree, I don't ever want my sons to have command over me. You made some very good points there. I think a healthy distance between  adult children and elderly parents frees not only the AC from obligations, but the  parents obligation, to depend on their offspring, as well. 

[Pen]

FS, I find it helpful to wear an accessory that serves as a "gentle reminder." There's a lovely bracelet a dear friend gave me. When I wear it I think of how much this person loves & respects me, and being reminded of that during demanding social situations has made a big difference. Have a wonderful time w/your GD!

[Pen]

Oh, and regarding nature's way of parenting, I often say some DILs (and other AC, for that matter) act as if we should be like salmon - fight our way upstream, spawn, and die (leaving a tidy inheritance? Not sure salmon do this, lol.)

[clara]

I haven't visited this site for a while, but was impressed by your sustained narrative (Sorry, retired English teachers never shut up.)  I'm wondering how your son could possibly be a good father if he treats his mother as he does.  Just wondering, as a mother whose son has denied her access to the granddaughter I have never met.  Further thoughts:  Maybe my situation isn't so bad. At least he never has the opportunity to cause me specific direct pain.  Then I thought, Maybe he has "boundary issues" with you.  Hmmm.  Anyway, I love your writing and completely sympathize.  I have often wondered how a nice person like me could have such an unfeeling child.  Then I found this site and it is a great comfort.  I also wondered when reading your entry if maybe you are nicer than I am because your child at least gives you access.

[fantine]

FS, I could relate a great deal to what you were expressing. Although my DS is still a teenager, still, much of his attitude and acting out sounds so much like what you are experiencing. I can clearly tell that his verbal assaults (also from his father) have taken years off of my life. I can look in the mirror and see that I look much older and much worse for the wear. In the past 5 years, I've aged at least 20 years. 

According to the calendar, I've not yet hit middle age. However, as long as I continue to feel such fear, afraid to say anything, tired of being called every name in the book, I can't imagine that the years ahead will be any better. 

[freespirit]

Pen, Yes it's the Salmon that lay their eggs and then die. Hmmmm...food for thought there.  I have a quote hidden in my drawer, maybe you know it too; " Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your kids! "   hee hee hee

Hi Clara. My sustained narrative? Sorry about that, I was just thinking out loud, and wondering about why things are as they are. But it made me feel good to read that you like my writing, and that coming from an English teacher. (That makes me smile). 
You have very good insight. Yes, my son has definite boundary issues, which I have always tried to tame, but was never able to. So it was either take it or leave him. If it weren't for my granddaughter who I love more than I can say, I would leave it.
No Clara, I'm not nicer than you. The only reason I have access to my granddaughter is because I don't jeopardize her visits, by putting my foot down with my son. I'm being manipulated.  ?

Oh Fantine, nobody is worth taking years off your life. Nobody. I wish some of us ladies  could just meet in a café' and forget family, and just laugh together. It's soooo very  important to tilt that scale of hurt from a family member, through good friends who lift you up and help you forget.
I ran my own business for many years, and because of that, I neglected friends. And because of that, I focused too much on my family. And because of that, succumbed myself to hurt, and to make it worse, had no one to run to, to lift me up and comfort me. I can't emphasize enough, that friends make you stronger and show you there is another life out there. I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on making friends that simply distract you from your family. I have done that now, and it works wonders.

[fantine]

FS, thank you so much for your insight and encouragement. You are right; it would be delightful for us to meet in a cafe somewhere. What a grand event that would be!

I send you good thoughts for your visit with your GD, hoping that your DS behaves himself. 

[freespirit]

Thank you Fantine. I feel prepared...., thanks to the help from this site.

[fantine]

Well, thanks for passing your wisdom on to the rest of us. I just never imagined I would be in this situation, so I am often at a loss to know how to proceed. Part of my mind thinks that "what goes around, comes around" --- DS and DH will see some day what they have done (although I will probably never know about it, as things like this often manifest themselves in relationships that I am not involved). And even if they don't ever get their lumps, that's ok. I am responsible for my actions and that's all I can worry about right now.

But then, I have learned how to empathize with others in this position, which has been a valuable skill to develop.

As an aside, how many of you have ever felt judged by people outside the situation --- as if you had been a better mother that this wouldn't have happened? That's so frustrating, particularly when being judged by those who claim their children would *never* behave in such a way because they have been raised "properly" (ie, not by a single mother!)? Another group that needs to get its "comeuppance."

Just curious.

[freespirit]

Fantine, in the past, when I shared my difficulties, I usually got the standard answer, "There are always two sides to every story."  I surprised myself how angry that made me feel. It was the last thing I wanted to hear, because, at least in my case, it's simply not true.

So I pick and chose whom I confine in, and have avoided opening up to the perfect story book families. Although sometimes their image is misleading; but hey, I mislead them as well. Lol.

I too always thought "what goes around, comes around."....I don't get it either.  Difficult adult children come from all kinds of families, even those happy story book families. No way is being a single parent the reason.

Do you know this quote?

Should you find yourself the victim of other peoples' bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, Remember this: things could be much worse. You could be one of them!

[fantine]

OMG! I had never seen that quote before! Wow, that's so right on! Thanks!

I know what you mean about the "two sides" argument. Of course, we have all done and said things that we regret. We're only human and we did the best we could in the situations that we found ourselves. However, I think *disposition* has a lot to do with it. I have spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself for things I have said that I shouldn't have. I've also offered those apologies to DS and DH over the years, which they gladly gobbled up, but naturally, neither of them would ever dream of doing such introspective work or attempt to own their mistakes.

But they can go on with their macho bad selves --- that's fine. (And believe me, the macho thing definitely factors in here.) I know my heart and I know that I have been so blessed and so fortunate for where I am right now in my life, both professionally and personally. Even though my heart hurts so much at the loss of DS and the circumstances around his teenage years, I also know that I have been given so many wonderful people (such as on this forum!) who give me encouragement and reinforcement.

And I have also discovered that I'm not "one of them."