Forgiveness, healing and moving forward...

[Elljaysee]

3 years ago, I divorced my husband of 28 years.  We both contributed equally to the end of the marriage.  I moved back to my home state; my ex and adult son and daughter remained (500+ miles away).  Last spring, I confessed the HUGE mistakes I made in my marriage.  My DD didn't speak to me for 4 months, and my DS and DIL maintained communication, but the relationship changed.  My ex has now re-married, and we have a grandson.  In the past 15 months, I have seen my DD for about 2 hours.  She says she isn't angry, but she is never able to visit or isn't available when I visit.  She is available for her father and his family though.  I have traveled to see my DD, DIL and GS 4 times in the past year - they have traveled here once.  I am expected to accept the crumbs thrown my way.  I never thought that my kids would forget me, but that's exactly how it feels.  Because I moved back home, I will never get to spend their birthdays with them again - they spend them with their father and his new wife.  It's as if I ceased to exist.  I have deactivated my Facebook account because seeing the photographs of them is just too painful.  I am in counseling with a GREAT counselor, but I'm wondering if anyone has some wise words for me.  Will they ever forgive me (the way they have obviously forgiven their father), or should I just move on without being in their lives?  I am sadder than sad...

[clara]

I started a new post on the general subject of hard feelings just minutes ago before I saw your post.  My experiences have been different from yours, but I have had many years to think about the bridges I may have burned and those that have been nuked under me.  If it helps, you could check out my post. Believe me when I say, you are not alone.

[luise.volta]

Have both of you been officially welcomed and directed to our Home Page to read the three posts under Open Me First? If not, WELCOME! and would you do that to be sure you find our Forum Agreement a fit? This is a monitored Website.

My take is that we can never predict what others are going to do. We have had examples here of miraculous reversals on occasion but/and not often. We do our best...what the heck else can we do? Does it reflect perfection? Well, no. However, have we observed it in our critics? Huh? What I fell back on was that I was whole before I became a parent and I could become whole again. I'm the one who decides what that looks like and at age 86, it feels pretty good.

[Keys Girl]

Elijaysee, I'm starting to think that it's wrong to apologize to our adult children for any "mistakes" we made while bringing them up.  If we apologize for the mistakes do we not get "Brownie Points for everything we did right? the 24-7 caring for them?" 

There is no Playbook for Parenting, and I can't help but think that you make mistakes when you are doing arithmetic.  You get the wrong number and do it again for the right one.  I think that this particular generation has expectations that were brought into the stratosphere by the media that their parents match up to the "perfect" parents on the TV screen.  Those are fantasy parents and if we are held to a perfect standard of judgment that seems ridiculous, despite the fact that it's happening.  I hope that I come back in the spirit world to see how their own children will treat them in the future.

My grandmother would have gone for the rolling pin if her children expected her to apologize, for her "mistakes" and she wasn't gonna use it to make an apple pie. 

I don't like the word "mistake" when it comes to parenting.  Yes, there are a few things I would have done differently, but I did a world of good incredibly well, and I wouldn't change that for anything and even though I'm not in touch with my son any longer, that doesn't change all the good I did for him, as best I could, sometimes with few resources, but I defy anyone to have taken the circumstances I was in and to have done better.

It's hard to be left out and to be the parent who is taken for granted, when the other parent is seemingly favoured.

I don't think you can change them or the circumstances.  My advice is to "suck it up, buttercup", but go take care of yourself as well as you can, as much as you can afford.  No one bothers to celebrate your birthday? go on a cruise, and tell them to bring the cake and champagne to your table.  You won't be sitting alone for long! can't afford a cruise, find a local diner and organize a dinner for yourself with donations to a local children's charity.  Get hats from the Dollar Store and balloons, etc.  I realize that you organized all the birthday parties for the "rugs rats" for many years, but sometimes things don't work out the way you expected or planned.  My aunt sold me "That's life".

Sometimes the friends we meet along the way become just as or even more precious that the biological ones.

Give yourself a 15 minute "sad" time per day, and the rest of the put on your party pants, get out and get the show on the road.  This is like the choice of ripping off a bandaid quickly or pulling it off slowly, with the continuing agony of sadness lingering for a long time.

I recently heard of a close friend of a friend who died suddenly of breast cancer at the age of 25, after being diagnosed 4 weeks earlier.

What would you do with your 4 weeks if you had been in her shoes?  Don't let this happen to you, don't wait around for anyone who isn't interested in spending time with you, making the effort to see you, or treating your with fairly basic courtesy.  They might be kin but they can be distant kin (pun intended) and left to their own devices.  Maybe one day they'll come to appreciate you, maybe they will continue to take you for granted.  No-Ba-dee knows, so don't count on anything and count on making it happen yourself.

Here's what you know, you have time and your own life, so get those party shoes, pants and anything else in the cupboard on and get the show on the road.

Move on to Chapter Two, and tell them to turn the dancing music up! 

Good luck,
KG

[herbalescapes]

I think you have a lot of different things converging here.  Even though your kids were adults when you divorced, it was probably very traumatic to them.  Don't underestimate what an emotional whammy it was for them.  Give them time to adjust.  Also, it ain't fair, but sexism is alive and well and mothers are still often held to a higher standard than fathers.  Though you and your ex contributed to the end of the marriage, it may be in your kids' eyes that you are more at fault.  That type of prejudice can be unconscious and therefore hard to combat against. 

You don't mention the specifics of what you confessed (and I'm not urging you to!), but you may have put your kids in a situation they don't want to be.  You might explore with your counselor why you shared what you did with them and why they might find it hard to handle.  If, for instance, you admitted to an affair, well, most kids don't want to think of their parents having sex (the stork brought me!!!)  and your admission put something in the forefront of their minds that they'd prefer to keep hidden.

Since you moved 500 miles away after the divorce, your kids may feel that you abandoned them.  Doesn't matter that they are adults.  Mom is supposed to be there.  Again, this would be subconscious, so hard to deal with. 

You said in the past year you've visited DS/DIL/GC  4 times and they've visited you once.  I don't see that as very lopsided.  In bare numbers it is, but look at the bigger picture.  You don't mention how old GC is, but there's three of them and only one of you.  They'd have to buy 3 plane tickets to your one.  If they drove, that's 8-10 hour drive (more if it's not on highways or there's traffic).  That's a lot if they are travelling with a young child.  For whatever reason you chose to move away, you can't expect your kids to turn their lives upside down to accommodate your choice. 

Of course with your ex nearby, they are going to see and interact more with him than you.  Geography makes it almost impossible for there to be any sort of evenness in the amount of time they spend with you vs. the ex.  It is possible that your DD isn't consciously trying to avoid you.  If her resentment over the divorce and/or your move is subconscious - if she even has any resentment, i'm just guessing - she may be grasping at superficial excuses to avoid you, but the excuses are real.  Any complaints by you will seem unreasonable.  You said she didn't talk to you for 4 months, but that means she's talking to you now.  Build on that.  You may have to accept what you feel are crumbs right now, but those crumbs can lead to really big portions down the line.  No guarantees, but hope. 

Give your kids the benefit of the doubt.  Assuming they are marginalizing you could lead them to actually doing it.  Your counselor can probably help you with techniques to separate what they are doing from why you assume they are doing it.  I may not be expressing myself well here.  Good luck.  You will find a lot of sympathy here and sometimes that is all we need to get through a troubling time.   

[Lillycache]

Here's my take on confessions...  I don't confess anything to my kids..  I have told them that I have not always been a perfect person, and that I have my share of regrets  regarding my marriages, or my parenting.. and that's as far as it goes.  The particulars are just not their business.  Young people can be very judgemental and idealistic... especially when it comes to their parents..  BUT I think they can be more so with respect to their mother.  Dad can get a certain amount of slack in the behavior department... Moms?  not so much.  They hold mom to a much higher standard. 

[Elljaysee]

Just to clarify - I agree about "confessing our mistakes" to our kids, and the reason I did was my ex-husband threatened to tell them himself.  I felt backed into a corner, and I decided to tell them so that at least they could hear it from me.

Thank you all SO MUCH for the wise words here!  I will absolutely take your advice, and I am very thankful for finding and joining this Website!!

[Pooh]

Welcome E.  I think you got great advice.  Just remember, when we make mistakes (and I'm referring to your reference that you confessed HUGE ones) and then choose to come clean, it then puts it on the other person to decide if they will forgive us or not.  It is then out of our control.  Since they are speaking to you, although it may not be much, I would take that as a baby step and give them time.

[nanaabby]

I'm sorry your facing all of this.

My daughter always chooses the "bigger/better deal."  If that means leaving me in the wake of the storm; so be it.  She has done it to her grandmother/father/myself, everyone in her life.  I agree with the advice of others.  Their very wise!

[Pen]

Welcome, Elljaysee.

Your post is heartbreaking, like so many stories here. No matter how we lose touch with our AC it hurts. NanaAbby, I can relate - "the bigger/better deal" monster struck my DS too, but through his ILs. We're losing him more and more with each passing day.

KG has some great suggestions for kickstarting your new life and limiting "wallowing" time. Will you still feel the pain of being left out? Probably, but it will lessen as you find other people & activities upon which to spend your precious time and resources. As KG said, if you only had 4 weeks to live would you spend it pining away or doing things you've always wanted to do with people who love & appreciate you? Here on the site we've seen a few cases of AC coming back around when they realize Mom has moved on & has a great life independent of them. So, taking your life back could be a win-win.

I'm very glad you found us, and I hope we all can be of comfort to one another as we continue to work on healing. You are most definitely not alone!!

[fantine]

What a great thread. As I've been trying to work up the strength to do periodically (never more than 1x week, more often like 1-2x mo), I've texted my 18-y-o DS, just to say hi, but if/when he replies, I'll ask --- Do you want me to call you? Never a reply . . . . .Just happened less than an hour ago. (Like nanaabby's kid, mine found a bigger/better deal and moved to live w/his dad a few years ago. Since then, I've become irrelevant.)

Why do I even bother?    

I deserve so much better than this. We all do.

[Keys Girl]

I'm guessing everyone bothers because hope springs eternal.

You are so right.  We all deserve better, but if we aren't given what we deserve, then we have no choice but to take what we need from the world elsewhere.  You can't force anyone to do anything for you or you can fall into the pit of trying to manipulate the circumstances and people so that you get what you thought you would.

You can languish waiting for what you deserve to arrive or you can slowly and steadily add people, activities and places to your life that nourish your soul.

Bite the bullet of unmet expectations. 

It's so easy to take for granted that there are people who thought they would be able to see or hear or walk for the rest of their lives and many times through no fault of their own that was snatched away from them.  They persevere and endure like the Hoyt father and son team who complete Triathons and IRONMANS.

My advice is to make a list.  Get a new top 10.  The top ten things you always wanted to do, and all of these things have to be completely and separately apart from any AC, or anyone else.  Make another list of each step you need to take to complete each one.  Start knocking those items off the lists.  Take up a new sport.  Get those endorphins jumping......and you'll feel better.  Take action and Papa's advice, below.

"Never confuse movement with action"
Ernest Hemingway

KG