New Here!

[Yankee30]

Hi Ladies - I just found you all and I am so relieved. I thought I was all alone out here in this new MIL territory. My son was married a little over a year ago - I have three sons but this is the only one married. He was "lucky enough" to have married into a family who accepts him and loves him as if he were their own. But from my point of view, it feels like they are stealing him from our family. I see from reading many posts that this is not unusual and I am not the only one. But is there anything I can do about it? I understand my son will always side with his wife. That is how it should be. But he seems to have rolled over and played dead now - or he has been bought out.  His wife's family is very wealthy - her father has worked very hard and deserves all he has. Her mother is a marriage and family counselor. Ouch. The wedding was huge and over the top. We set a budget for the rehearsal dinner and stuck to it.  (100 guests and it was lovely). I offered my engagement ring to my son (it was my mother's and my grandmother's ring before me) but it was rejected in favor of a new "perfect" diamond. At the wedding our small group of family and friends (30 people) were ignored. My son danced the one dance with me and that was it. I didn't talk to him again. There were no pictures of our side at all. Her parents gave them a membership to their country club as a wedding gift. We gave them a pair of my grandmother's sterling and crystal candlesticks and a necklace that belonged to my deceased mother. We are not poor by any means but we do not compare to her family. We can't compete and I refuse to play that game. We do have manners and good upbringing. They lived in an apartment 5 miles from her family and now have moved in with her parents to save some money to buy a house.  My son and DIL bought an expensive puppy from a breeder and her parents went out the next day and bought a litter mate. Her parent's bought a beach house last fall and now my DS and DIL go there every possible weekend. We get a phone call once or twice a month. When they come to our city (twice in the last year), they don't stay with us - they stay with their college friends who live nearer the bars so they won't drink and drive. I have been to their city (150 miles away) a few times and have always been the one to make plans to see them. Once my DH and I stayed in a hotel on a Friday night, planning to take them to dinner. They were 30 minutes late to the restaurant but my son had told me his wife didn't get off work until 6:30, so we happily waited. When they arrived, they let it slip that they had been playing golf with her father and brother since 3 pm. They post pictures on FB of the beach (with her FOO), playing golf with her FOO, playing with the dogs with her FOO, etc.  I miss my son! I am going to their city for a separate reason next week - and have plans to take them out to dinner again. Should I say something to my son? Should I ignore the whole situation and hope it turns around? Can it even turn around without creating ill will or will I do damage by seeming "needy" and whiney? My DIL is very reserved around me and I am sure she doesn't care for me. I don't think I ever did or said anything to make that happen - other than refuse to pay more for the wedding. I have so many emotions about this. I feel like her mother has planned every way to buy my son. Jealous of the time she spends with him? Yes. And sad and very disappointed in my son. I thought he would know better and of all my kids he was the one I'd have said had the most empathy for others.  I can already see what will happen once they have children. So, Wise Women, what is my next step? And yes, I read "Open Me First"!

[luise.volta]

Welcome, Y...and thanks for doing the Open Me First thing. I wish I had something really positive to say. My take is that you have handled your really touchy situation very well. My hat's off to you for setting a boundary on wedding expenditures and if I had to guess, it would be that you aren't easily going to be forgiven for that. I would also like to add that if it hadn't been that, it probably would have been something else to use as an excuse for shutting you out. What most of us here have done in moving through very similar experiences, is to get that the "kids" have adult status even though their immaturity is glaring. They get to ignore our expectations...no matter how reasonable they are. We created our expectations and they belong to us. Our "adult" children get to make whatever choices they want to make and learn from the consequences...or not. How we feel about it isn't usually pertinent in their view unless they wake up one day and reconsider. Our job is to let go of trying to make sense of the senseless and get that we were whole before we became parents and can be whole again. It's not easy...we see some of our peers apparently living happily-ever-after with grandchildren and family gatherings a big part of that. But...it's not a "given" and for us, not attainable when one-sided. Our job is often finding ways to create full and satisfying lives without those particular hopes and dreams. My heart goes out to you.

[jdtm]

Should I say something to my son?

I wouldn't - if anyone can "talk" to your son, IMHO it would need be someone else - perhaps a friend or a relative or even your husband - preferably someone without your knowledge.  You will be held "suspect".

Should I ignore the whole situation and hope it turns around?

I doubt it probably won't ever "turn around" - but I don't know how to "ignore" or "accept" what is.  I do know that you can't "fix" it.  If the situation ever changes, I suspect the catalyst will not be anything you do or say but come from inside their marriage.  That is what happened in our case.

(a) Can it even turn around without creating ill will or (b) will I do damage by seeming "needy" and whiney?

No to part (a) and Yes to part (b)

My DIL is very reserved around me and I am sure she doesn't care for me. I don't think I ever did or said anything -

I suspect this is not about you but about her - all "her" and you don't count.  In fact, I wonder if you are so insignificant to her/them that you are not even on her/their "radar". 


You have described our elder son's marriage.  I begged, cried, pleaded, tried to reason, bribed, ignored, stepped back, prayed and bargained; nothing worked.  At times, I wondered if I was going insane (after all, it had to be "something" I had done - if only I could find it and apologize enough).  During this decade, I feel that I "lost me".  I wish I knew then what I know now - getting on with my life and frankly, being able to be genuinely thankful for "scraps" of time and attention.  Life would have been so much better (and I suspect the marriage would have been shorter). 

Finally, our DIL left our son and abandoned her two children.  He is raising them alone and we are still trying to repair this relationship.  I am so sorry - I hope some else here can offer more hope and advice..

[herbalescapes]

I would caution against saying anything, because what is there really to say?  To a young couple, calling once or twice a month may seem more than sufficient.  It's not uncommon for the parents to have to do the reaching out for visiting with young AC.  Even for older AC.  Growing up the parents did all the social work and that can be a hard habit to break.  Staying with friends so they don't drive drunk is good sense.  Complaining about that could really get you in a heap of trouble.

You say your DIL is reserved around you.  Just  because she is reserved doesn't mean she doesn't like you.  If you approach her reservedness (?) as dislike, that will influence how you view herI actions and how you respond, but not in a good way.  Unless she has said pointblank, "MIL, I don't like you,"  give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just reserved.  That could save you some heartache. 

Try to wipe away the wedding disappointments.  Just because they didn't want your engagement ring, doesn't mean they were rejecting you.  Not everyone has the same taste.  As much as you may have dreamed of passing on your engagement ring, DS/DIL may have had dreams about the perfect diamond.  That's their privilege.  You say the wedding was huge.  I had 150 guests at my 5 hour reception.  That meant that I would have had 2 minutes per guest on average - not even considering taking time to eat a little or use the restroom.  Normally I'd expect the MOG to have more facetime with the happy couple than average, but here's an instance where you can chalk it up to the business of the day rather than a deliberate snub.  I'm having a tough time imagining an innocent reason for no pics of your side, but could that be the fault of the photographer?  My wedding photographer spent most of the reception snapping candids of all the guests and a table shots.  It would have been hard for me to make sure he didn't get photos of my DH's FOO (had I been inclined to do so).  Has DIL or DS made any comments comparing your wedding gift to her parents' wedding gift?  Or comments about the rehearsal dinner vs the reception? 

Her FOO has the home field advantage.  It's easy in such a situation to see deliberate slights when people are just a little clueless or have a different views.  What does it matter that her parents have the litter mate of the puppy they got?  It's not that odd that a young couple would want to go to a beach house if one was available.  When our kids are babies, toddlers, preschoolers, they want mom and dad more than anyone.  But the pre-teen and teenaged years have them pulling away to forge their own identities and independence.  Their adulthood may never conform to our expectations of how close and involved we want it to be.  Try to build on what you do have - a couple visits to you each year, a couple calls a month, seeing them when you go visit their city.  As hard as it is, don't compare what you have to what her FOO has.  Parents aren't supposed to compare their children to each other; by the same token, they shouldn't compare what each FOO has.  If her family lived 1,000 miles away and only saw them once a year and only got a call or two a month, would you feel like your situation was so lacking? 

Good luck.

[Yankee30]

Wow, Herbalescapes, that is probably just what I needed. I was suspecting I was whining and you pretty much confirmed it. There are a few other odd things that have happened but I won't go into them all here. Everything together makes me feel like her parents are doing all they can to pull the couple to them. They are perfectly nice people - different priorities than my DH and I have but nice people. My son is loved, no doubt about it. The ring? my older son has it now - waiting for the right time for him to propose to his girlfriend. I didn't feel slighted - I felt like it wasn't good enough. But as you said, she has every right to want perfection. The dog? It just reinforces the feeling I have that her parents are trying to be best buds with the kids.  At the wedding, in a toast, her father called them their "best friends." I cringed. But I guess it is just a matter of different points of view. The photos? Our side had 3 tables, theirs had 20. We were on the side, at the back of the room. Maybe that is how the photographer missed us. I always had the feeling that because we didn't pay up for the wedding (they went waaay over the generous budget her parents set and we didn't pitch in more. I think her parents took care of it once the kids got so into debt) that we were not going to be included in many things to do with the wedding. Being reserved? No, sorry, it is only around me and my husband. There really is something there that I haven't been able to get past. But now I see I need to let it go. I have a very busy, full life and this whole situation with my son has been nagging at me. Sort of how when we were in grade school, it was hurtful when the cool group didn't include me on the playground. I don't feel included. So time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with it. But my heart is hurting and I miss my son.  And he is clueless - or at least so under her/their spell that he wouldn't get it anyway. I know you all are  right. Saying something next week won't change things anyway and would only serve to muddy the waters.

[Stilllearning]

Yankee, I certainly know what you are talking about!  Sometimes it really gets me down too.  I live in the same town as my DS and DIL and they don't even call me on special occasions (birthday, Mother's day, Christmas even) but they post pictures on facebook about visiting their other family.  I have backed off pretty much entirely but whenever I let myself think about it I get hurt and upset.  He is my oldest son and definitely the most sensitive one.  I never would have thought that he would turn away so completely! 

For now when my mind turns to him, and starts digging the pit for me to sink in and drown, I turn my focus to things that make me happy and I remind myself of two things.

1) Those who anger you control you
2) No one can make me unhappy without my permission

I admit that I pictured a much different life than this after my children were grown but so do lots of people.  If I focus on the things I am grateful for my attitude and my life improve.

For the record, I think you are doing a wonderful job and if you can keep from mentioning your disappointment in the current arrangement you probably should.  I think the next time they show up for dinner I would only have enough main courses (steaks?) for the people you invited........maybe they will get the hint when you have to add place settings and split the food?

[Monroe]

Yankee - you say you paid for a rehearsal dinner for 100 people and that wasn't enough?  The girl's parents gave them a generous budget for the wedding and they exceeded it?  You didn't chip in more and perhaps that was resented?   

The huge rehearsal dinner you hosted was more than enough.  That young couple should be deeply appreciative of your generosity - and if they went over budget on the wedding itself -- well, that 's what budgets are for.  They should have re-grouped and cut some items from the wedding itself. 

Whatever happened to the rehearsal dinner being simply a matter of feeding the wedding party who had practiced the ceremony?  Why does it have to be a mini-reception of all the same people who will be in attendance the following evening?  Why do young couples expect not one but TWO large fancy sit-down dinners on the weekend of their wedding?   

Yankee - you did more than your part.  The young people are rather self-absorbed, and they need some time to mature.  You are NOT whining, in my opinion.  You are just observing matters - and are justifiably hurt.   I suspect they don't love the girl's parents more - they just like the beach house, the golf, etc.  They are young and immature.  You are not the only one.  Read some of Pen's threads - she has faced the same situation.  Don't doubt yourself - just keep busy and enjoy YOUR life.  Let him miss YOU. 

[freespirit]

Oh dear, feeling jealous towards the other family is one of the worst feelings there is. The question is; how to fight the jealousy; not the family who is trying to steal your son.

Have you ever tried this? Tell your son how delighted you are that they got the other dog, can go to the beach house, and all the rest of the glorious blah blahs.

Be a really good actress. Show enthusiasm and joy for his new life. Ask to see photos of the beach house, and just ooooo and aaa over all the big and little developments  happening to them.

If you can pull this off; they just may involve you more, and not feel threatened, themselves, sensing that you might be  jealous.

If they don't react any differently, then you can go on to plan B....ahem...please don't ask me what plan B is, ...but we can cross that bridge when...and if...it's necessary, but I don't think it will be.

[luise.volta]

What wise and fun FreeSpirit you are! Wise...Plan A. And fun...Plan B! 

[freespirit]

 

[tryingmybest]

Yankee can SO identify! When  both sons got married I was AMAZED how they turned away. After reading this site and seeing how universal this phenomenon was I did some "psychological" research that basically said men have to separate from their FOO ( mostly mom ) in order to completely gender identify and become the "stallion of their own herd", or some such bunkum. I just figured if they were focused on being "men" any pressure from me to maintain our prior relationship would be seen as trying to keep them kids, and push them away further.
So I focused ( thank you Luise) on me and developing my post motherhood life, I enjoyed seeing them when I did and strongly supported everything they were doing...reinforcing their status as independent adults. Facebook is a minefield , I made a separate "folder" for them, DIL's and their families, called it The Outlaws actually, and took them out of my news feed. That way you can see when the posts come in, you can choose not to look at them at all, or scan them when you are in a good place, and able to deal with them. I also posted every great thing our family, and I did, emphasizing the life is going on just great thank you very much.
I was also very supportive to the DIL's. I hated the fact their parents didn't have to deal with this wrenching pull away, but they just don't.
It's funny, but the calls that cut off to nothing are starting up again and they are making real efforts to reconnect with their FOO.  They get kind of baffled when we have other commitments and they have to fit into our schedule, but hey that's life kiddos. Hang in there, I know it hurts but it does get better.

[Lillycache]

Welcome to the confusing and sometimes heartbreaking world of "Mother of the Groom"  OR  MIL.   I'm sure you have heard that old saying.  "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife... a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life"   Truer words have never been written IMO.. because it is what it is.  Most of us are not prepared for this when our sons marry... we are blindsided by this reality as we are all sure that OUR sons will always be close to us and always be there for us.  I have heard many young women say it will never happen to them with their son because THEY will know exactly how to behave as a MIL..  It simply isn't true, because it seems that no matter HOW one reacts or "behaves"  it's the wrong way somehow..

While I am sure there are loving inclusive DILs out there, most of us here have experienced the other.  To us it seemed like it was a mission to separate their new husband from his family.. ESPECIALLY his mother... and totally absorb him into hers.   Many times they are assisted by the elder females in their FOO.. which in my case meant the constant and relentless critiquing and criticizing of my every move, word, or assumed motives.   I gave up.. and as many have said here, have focused my MY life and MY happiness..  It's all you can do..  It's that or be miserable looking for recognition and acceptance that never seems to materialize.    I prefer to be happy.. and not always waiting for validation from someone who has no business evaluating me. 

[Pooh]

And I so don't think it's whiney.....I think it's normal.  When we are used to being included in our AC's life, it's hard to all of sudden be sidelined for the Super Bowl Team

[Pen]

I agree with Pooh, I don't think it's whiny. Losing a relationship with your child is big. My situation is very similar to yours, except that my DIL actually voiced her/her FOO's hatred of us (caused by nothing we'd done, according to DIL, just by who we were.) They also hate all their ILs, go figure. Very closed group, so I guess I'm grateful they've accepted DS. We must have done something right in raising such an acceptable man, lol.

[Yankee30]

Thank you everyone. It is good to know I am not alone and I am not imagining things. You all have given me good advice and support! Last week's dinner went ok. It was pretty fast and we had other extended family members with us but I kept it light and happily paid for dinner. My son and DIL will be meeting us at a relative's home in another state for a weekend in August. I am looking forward to it and will take my cues from there. In the past few days I have been thinking about things I do - and I realize I must watch what comes out of my mouth ie think before speaking. Maybe it is "age" creeping up on me but my filter system needs work. SO between now and the time we go away, I need to work on thinking, then speaking or reacting. Just being proactive but it is something I have seen in myself recently.