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My Ex-husband's wife has died

Started by Lillycache, July 02, 2013, 06:33:25 am

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elsieshaye

Wow, Lilly.  I can't even imagine how I'd react. Definitely a lot of complex feelings to process. You're doing a good job taking care of yourself and working through it. Sending you supportive and healing thoughts.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Lillycache

I've decided to go to the wake anyway...    My Ex and his wife went to my husbands wake when he died in exactly the same way she did...  They were very comforting....  So.. I'll return the gesture to him.   besides.. all his brothers and sisters are coming up from ALabama... I would really love to see everyone again... DS is terrified.. lol!!  His wife of course will be there and he's worried.   He needn't be... so long as she stays away from me... and I told him that.   I don't plan on even making eye contact.. 

luise.volta

Tuck all of us into a little, invisible pocket right over your heart and we will go with you, LC. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

I am glad I decided to go to the wake.  My EX-husbands two brothers were there and I was so happy to see them and reconnect after all these years.   I really loved them and was so hurt when the divorce meant I had to divorce the family too.  BUT they were in their early 20's at the time and involved in their own lives, so I cannot hold that against them..  It was great to see them and talk about old times.    I was NOT however prepared to see my Ex the way he is.  He is very sick himself and is taking his wife's death very hard.. He even fainted up at the coffin, which really shook up the wake and everyone there.  I'm a nurse, my DH is a respiratory therapist and there was a paramedic there..  The Ex came to right away.. he just hadn't eaten all day, and had taken all his meds and combined with the stress was just too much..   All I could think of was  "Oh great.. now I have to do CPR on my Ex!"  Yuck for the mouth to mouth.. ewwww...    lol!!   BUT  it didn't come to that. 

DIL certainly confused me.  She came up to me while I was looking after my Ex and threw her arms around me and thanked me for coming... What  the heck?...  I just stood there... I didn't know what to  say, so I said "you're welcome"...   I'm not even going to waste time pondering that..    I was happy to see my BILs and hopefully we can stay in contact.  All and all... it was a pretty interesting wake. 

luise.volta

I'm so touched by the way you worked your way through this, LC. At how you honored your feelings and how you processed them. You're an inspiration, to me, and I'm sure to many. Thank you for sharing the way you combined honesty with integrity. I know you came to vent and to ask for support but in the process you were a role model to many of us, demonstrating that it's possible to go deeply into anger and dispair without getting stuck there and becoming self-absorbed or unkind. I'm in awe and sending love... 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

LC, my internet connection was cut about 10 days ago when I moved so I'm sorry to be late to follow up.

What an incredible waterfall of emotions to deal with.  Good for you for going to the wake and paying back the kindness of your ex when your husband died, and what a difficult time it must have been to be around so many people with so many deep emotional connections. 

I'll second Luise, I'm in awe too.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Lillycache

AAAAAAAAnd....  Not just 10 minutes ago..... my EX sent me a FB friend request....  Not sure what to make of that..  lol!!!    Don't worry...  He's not after me.. and my DH is fine with me accepting..  Life is STRANGE!

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Great to hear how well everything went.  I've been thinking about you and what a tough situation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

dedicatedmom

I haven't been around to read this earlier but I am so understanding of your feelings. This is tough because at the time this woman was not so nice to your kids, you were right to feel bad toward her. She was absolutely wrong. She should have had compassions for your kids. Sounds like you have really tried in the past to look past that and was respectful of her when she wasn't necessarily to your children. Of course when people die, we feel bad even if it is someone who was an adversary. Sometimes I am worred about how I will react if my ex dies before me (he has a lot of health problems due to drinking, smoking etc.). There are always feelings that come to the surface at those times. Isn't it great to have this place to come and express our feelings without judgment? Good luck to you and bless you ;)

Lillycache

Just on a silly and perhaps a tad bit catty note..  My DILs family were all there.. Mom, dad, Sisters, and of course Auntie... Well... I know for a fact that they weren't particularly close to my Ex's wife..  She hadn't been any more involved with them than I was allowed to be.   Well  holy cow... you should have heard them.... the sobbing and the weeping and the wailing... It was embarrassing... particularly the Auntie..  lol!!    I have to think that performance was for MY benefit..  I think they were trying to tell me "Oh look how much we loved the woman that broke up your family"     I was getting ready to rip open a card and say... "And the Oscar goes TOOOOOOO Auntie Joanie!!!"   BUt I basically ignored the whole lot of them and socialized with my long lost brothers-in-law...  Finally with wailing wall gave up and left..   

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Oh........I would have had to bite my tongue........"Funny, you didn't seem to like her much when she was breathing" would have come to mind.

You handled the whole situation incredibly well.  Class act.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pooh

Ha ha!  And look on the up side, it's just affirmation on how they are and why you are better off not having to deal with them!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

LC, you are a class act. Wise woman indeed! Thanks for the updates.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb