Those pesky emotional triggers

[Pen]

Boo-hoo. I spent the day recently with an old friend and heard many stories of how wonderful her DD's FILs are and how fun it is to include/be included in both FOO's celebrations & get-togethers which they do constantly. Happy as I am for my dear friend, I feel sorry for myself and my DH & DD, and also feel bad for feeling sorry for myself and not being purely happy for my friend. I know, what a cycle.

These triggers are going to zing me constantly unless I go into complete isolation. I've been working on acceptance but am frustrated because I'm not completely over this stuff yet. None of our friends can relate since they all have family around and see/communicate with their AC regularly. I know they don't mean to make me feel bad by asking about DS or telling me about their AC/extended families. Sometimes it feels as if DH & I must have really messed up, since no one else in our circle is having this problem (although they've sometimes had other issues with their kids.)

On days like today, with celebratory picnics and other gatherings happening (Independence Day here in the States), I wish DH & I had a family or group of friends to hang with. (We do have an event to go to later, but it's just the two of us in a crowd of 20,000 of our dearest friends, lol.) Our "real" friends are busy with their families and forget/don't really care that we're alone, and it isn't their responsibility to make up for our lack of family, IMO.

It's not like DH & I are sitting around all depressed and eating cup-a-soups in our underwear or whatever, but it feels like something's missing or like we're missing out on the big fun everyone else is having...and then I immediately go to "what's wrong with us that we have no family/AC/friends to hang with" and so on. Another cycle I perpetuate.

So, boo-hoo. It's a Pen Pity Party today. I thought maybe I needed a good cry and a dose of gratitude so I rented the tsunami movie "The Impossible" with Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor. I did tear up quite a few times but no major waterworks. Geesh, I'm a hard case these days. Now that I see this written in black & white I realize how much worse it could be and I'm glad my AC are healthy and thriving in their lives and that DH & I have a great life together. I'm just a bit lonely for some family support and some social interaction, I guess.

[Stilllearning]

Pen I completely understand!  For the last three years I have tried to ignore Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I used to have all sorts of relatives over but since my DS got married and started to ignore us entirely for all occasions my mood has been so bad that I don't feel like participating anymore.  If you find your way out of this flying funk please pass your tips along.  I could use some help too!  For now I just try to plan something else for special days (hiking, fishing, boating for me but maybe something different for you) that keeps my mind off of the fact that it is a 'special family day' and gives me something else to enjoy.  Good luck to you!

[luise.volta]

This is the place, Pen. And you're right, the other side of the coin is always gratitude. Sending love...

[elsieshaye]

Sending you love, Pen.  There are sad days with this estrangement business, to be sure. Holidays, especially.  It helps to just write it all out like you did.

[luise.volta]

Yes, that's true, E. I was thinking of my deceased son yesterday and how he and his two little sons (now in their 40s) used to build and launch rockets on the 4th of July. My son had been a Marine and his Dad was awarded the Bronze Star in WWII.

[Pen]

Thanks, guys! Your support always helps me get through these setbacks. I chose to enjoy the holiday with DH and then spent today with an old friend, shopping & lunching. I also spent a little time in my garden area. We had a huge roadrunner hanging around, really cool to see. No, he didn't go "meep meep," lol.

So SL, my tips for today would be: Redirect yourself by remembering things you're grateful for; plan something enjoyable with a supportive person; treat yourself; spend time in nature. No, these tactics didn't completely eradicate my problem with DS, but it isn't front & center right now. It was nice to get a little break from it.

Meep meep!! Moving on

[Stilllearning]

Thanks for the tips Pen!  I may need a refresher course now and then.  LOL

[Pooh]

I am behind but still sending you late hugs

By the way, I always liked Wile E. Coyote better....felt sorry for the bugger.  But you know what?  He had some really bad days but yet never let it stop him from his next adventure

[Keys Girl]

Pen, last year some friends from decades ago, were supposed to get together with me for the first time in 5 years.  He was the best man at our wedding, my ex's best friend and his wife and I have been "girl pals" for decades.  They have two sons and now a grand daughter.   She loves to talk about the grand daughter (of course) and I knew that they were unaware that I was not in touch with my son and was not invited to the wedding.

I didn't want to be roasted over the coals of any well meaning questions or even just have to hash it all up again from a to z. I could have just cancelled.  I decided that protecting my emotional well being was Job #1 and didn't really want to cancel if I could avoid it.

I sent them a short email a few days before we were supposed to get together saying "My relationship with my son is not what it used to be and you likely don't know that.  There is nothing to be done so talking about it upsets me greatly.  I would be happy to get together with you but with the understanding that no conversations will be held about this.

We got together, not a word was brought up about the "situation" and we had a nice time.  Conversations about all kinds of other topics just fell into place.

I think you should tell your friend "I'm happy for you that your family is so close knit and you have such great times together, but I would prefer that you share the bulk of the detail about these times with one of your other friends who has a similar situation, who can relate to you a lot more than I can.  My situation is different and when I hear about your fun times, it's another needless reminder that things turned out the way they did, not the way I hoped or expected them to so I would prefer that we limit the feedback about your family and their activities to a smaller part of our time together".  Send her an email or tell her yourself, whatever is easier, but what you are really doing is reminding her in a gentle way that she is being just a little self absorbed and insensitive to you.  Not to mention, things can happen and happy families can find themselves in unexpected, even tragic circumstances.  Your friend may be crying on your shoulder a few weeks or months from now.  She doesn't have any guarantees that the happy times she's enjoying now will continue. 

If she's a great friend, she won't want to upset you. 

It's not a pity party, it's a goulash of all those negative, destructive emotions that will give you another five minutes of feeling that there is a hole in your heart.  It's not the recipe you used and you don't have to eat it.

Tell her, Pen.  You'll find out if she's the kind of friend who wouldn't want to bring you another minute of sadness, as I found out with my friends.

And of course, if she continues to fill your ears with the same wonderful unending chain of her family events after you've told her.........I'd cut her off like a fish on a line.

KG





   

[Elise]

KG- thanks for the great input. I struggle with this type of situation as well and your advice is wonderful.  I have been distancing myself more from a formerly close friend in the last couple of years due to this, not knowing how to approach telling her why I am distancing. She is aware of my situation and seems not to realize it is difficult to always hear about her happy close family.

[Lillycache]

I know how hard it is to listen to other grandmas do the "grandma brag" thing.  I have really tried to listen and be happy for them... but I can't..  However, most of my friends know the situation and really steer clear of going overboard with the grandma stuff.   Except ONE co-worker... who was well aware of my situation... and in fact I had told her that it was hurtful to me to hear her going on and on.   So the very last time I even spoke to here was when she dismissed me with a wave of her hand and continued blathering on and on about how much her grandson loves her and wants to stay with her... (of course.. she only has daughters)    I walked away from her and have never spoken to her again....   Don't dismiss someone with a wave of the hand... like my situation was of no concern to her..  Of course it wasn't... but anyone with one ounce of understanding would have buttoned her darn lip..  Right?    I've learned to separate myself from hurtful people and situations..  And like my Southern MIL used to say.. "I do on them like a dog does a fireplug"  LOL!!!!   She was a hoot!!

[Pooh]

I do agree with you ladies that if hearing those stories from your friends is so hurtful and stressful for you that it is leaving you hurting, you should limit yourself in whatever way you need.  I am going to throw this out there though as this is where my thought process lies...which by now, you know is weird

I am the opposite.  I feel like if I shut my friends out because I can't hear their happy stories, then I am the one being self-absorbed.  My DS problem is simply that.  It's my issue and not theirs.  It's not their fault that they have good relationships with their AC or GC and even my two best friends who understand my situation and hate it for me, have happy news to share about their lives, which mainly includes their AC or GC.

Do I hate it that they get to see their GC and I don't?  Yes, it makes me feel sorry for myself at times, but then again, I also am happy for them that they have good relationships and don't have to deal with it like I do.  I wouldn't wish anything less for them.  Also I have found that eventually, they have issues as well.  It may not be with an AC or GC, but I hear how bad they have it at their jobs, or how bad sometimes their DH's are about helping, etc.  And then I am the one that gets to talk about how good my DH is and my job is.  I'm sure they probably get tired of hearing how nice my DH is (and seeing it) when they have issues with theirs. 

Kind of a give and take?  And in my mind, that's what friendship is about.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the greatness. I think each person has to do what's right for themselves, but if I cut out everyone in my life that talks about their families,  AC and GC in a good way, eventually there will be no one left. 

P.S.  Lilly, I would have done the same with a co-worker that I didn't have that type of relationship with.

[luise.volta]

I have strong feelings on this but/and they may be exclusively mine. Here's my vent: I'm kind of an "in-betweener." I don't often ask others not to be themselves and to monitor their conversations to accommodate to me...but I do when I feel strongly about it. I mostly gravitate toward those I have the most in common with when I can but we all know that's not always easy. For instance, I draw the line, when my closest friend here at my retirement center (I adore her sense of humor and she loves mine but/and we don't agree on this issue) starts to go off about my DS for not "caring" because she thinks he doesn't visit me often enough or stay long enough. Her DDs write her checks and count out her meds when she could still easily do it herself and they "hover." I'm not drawn to unnecessary dependence (my term) but that doesn't make either of us wrong. I get that it isn't obligatory on her DD's part, it comes from the heart and works well for all concerned. The problem is that I accept her/them and she sometimes criticizes me/us.

Case in point: when DH was dying four months ago, she volunteered to sit with me. He was in his last coma and I was holding his hand and singing to him when she bustled into his room telling me she would stay as until my DS arrived. I told her he wasn't coming because I had asked him not to and to just stand by. She started in telling my how terrible he was, anyhow. I told her that she had her ethics and we had ours and if she said anything more I would ask her to leave. She shut up and stayed. As soon as DH passed, my DS came to take me off campus for a while...which is what worked best for me.

We're all unique and that doesn't necessarily make us right or wrong. Usually I politely leave a situation that doesn't work for me...but there are times when that won't work and if I'm not given respect, I demand it.

[Pen]

I honestly want to be able to share in my friends' joy and happiness w/o spending days in self-centered sorrow afterward. My friends aren't out to hurt me, I don't think. It doesn't make my situation better if I'm oblivious of other families and their good fortunes.

But, if it turned into a purposeful, blatant disregard for my feelings (the hand-waving dismissal, for example) I'd certainly say something.